When To Voice One's Opinions, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I recently read the following quote from Elie Wiesel, that I noticed on a friend’s wall: We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. The comment was made in response to the victims of the holocaust, but it’s also true in many other areas.
I’ve spoken to many people who’ve told me that they like to stay neutral when they’re called as a reference for a Shidduch, business partner, or Chavruso. They’ll deliberately not disclose information that would place any of the above at risk, because they don’t want to hurt someone’s chances of “moving ahead’ in life.
Such people should ask themselves the following questions: Won’t their silence effect those people to the same extent as speaking would? Why “hurt” one side over the other? In the case of a Shidduch, for example, couldn’t the silence favor an unhealthy person, and place a healthy person at risk of having an unhappy life, a possible divorce, and, possibly, having children who’ll never know what it means to be healthy? Silence isn’t as simple, or honest, as the common response, “I don’t like to speak badly about anyone”.
I’d like to suggest that many people don’t have as strong a selfless aversion to taking sides as they believe that they do. I believe that the reason is that people don’t want to make their lives complicated by receiving repeated phone calls, having to be confronted, and then defend, or deny, what they said to those people of whom they spoke critically, and/or don’t want to grapple with the guilt feelings associated with breaking up a Shidduch.
Another reason why many remain silent is that they were taught when they were young, by their peers, and sometimes even by adults, that they should never “snitch” on others. Underlying that “rule” was the rule of “protecting one’s own”. All students in one school were “one’s own” group. The school staff belonged to another group. Whenever a person’s name is placed on a Shidduch resume, that person becomes their own, and must be protected from those who don’t “belong” to their group.
Responding to requests from strangers for information about one’s friends or relatives, and deciding how to respond based on how friendly they are with the relative/friend is unfair. People are responsible, to whatever degree they can, to help anyone who would be unfairly treated without their intervention.
Nevertheless, there are times when people shouldn’t become involved:
1) When they aren’t certain which side is correct. Voicing an opinion without having a basis for the opinion is a self-serving act, and is usually done because people want to join in when others are having fun. I’ve sometimes avoided giving negative information about someone who may be a perfect Shidduch, when I suspected that despite the person’s (possibly significant) faults, the person who requested the information may have, what I refer to as complementing faults, which “balanced” the first person's faults. That means that, despite one sides imperfection, the other person may be as imperfect, giving them their best chance of a happy marriage than if they married anyone else.
I’ve seen people take sides because they were caught in the “wave” of opposition, and the momentum of people challenging others. Such behavior goes against the Torah’s teaching. A beautiful Medrash (Parshas Mishpotim) describes such behavior as that of dogs. When one dog howls at night the rest join in, without giving thought as to why they’re howling.
It’s almost impossible to know what “really” happened after partners split up, couples divorced, or friends went their separate ways. Therefore, I avoid having opinions, certainly don’t voice them and, most certainly, don’t become involved. I’ll often find out that the spouse/partner/friend who seemed to have been mistreated, is really the antagonist, and not the victim.
2) When more competent people are already involved. Instead of becoming excited because they can get into the middle of the fray, and believe that they share a mission with the competent people, they should see any involvement of theirs that may hurt someone else as unwanted, and left to those competent people. If they’re, truthfully, the best suited, they should become involved but, even then, do it reluctantly. They should never feel excited about getting “dirty”.
3) People aren’t responsible to “pay” a price, to become involved. Halacha states that even judges don’t have to accept cases that they believe will cause them and/or, their family, to suffer, as a result of becoming involved.
When any of these reasons apply, people should remember to make certain that their silence won’t mislead others. Withholding information, or making the inquirer believe that there’s nothing else to know is misleading.
These three points should be absolute, except when someone’s already involved. Once people are involved they have a greater, moral, obligation to help, than when the situation is being presented to them for the first time. For example, schools require fewer reasons to reject an applicant, than when they ask a student who’s already enrolled to leave the school.
I was once involved in a divorce and custody battle. As I advocated for one side, I was maligned by the other side. When various “pieces” of new information shifted my position, I found myself maligned by the first side. I learned, sadly, that it’s almost never worthwhile to become involved in highly emotional cases because, regardless of one’s position, people’ll run the risk of ruining their reputation, losing friends, etc. I’ve learned, since then, to choose carefully before I become involved in the lives of others.
When should people become involved, voice their opinions, or intervene to help some people while hurting others? The answer needs to be decided on a case by case basis, and often after consulting with a Rav. What’s important to know is that the decision to become, or not become, involved, isn’t a choice, but an obligation, and shouldn’t be made based on any personal preference.
I’ve spoken to many people who’ve told me that they like to stay neutral when they’re called as a reference for a Shidduch, business partner, or Chavruso. They’ll deliberately not disclose information that would place any of the above at risk, because they don’t want to hurt someone’s chances of “moving ahead’ in life.
Such people should ask themselves the following questions: Won’t their silence effect those people to the same extent as speaking would? Why “hurt” one side over the other? In the case of a Shidduch, for example, couldn’t the silence favor an unhealthy person, and place a healthy person at risk of having an unhappy life, a possible divorce, and, possibly, having children who’ll never know what it means to be healthy? Silence isn’t as simple, or honest, as the common response, “I don’t like to speak badly about anyone”.
I’d like to suggest that many people don’t have as strong a selfless aversion to taking sides as they believe that they do. I believe that the reason is that people don’t want to make their lives complicated by receiving repeated phone calls, having to be confronted, and then defend, or deny, what they said to those people of whom they spoke critically, and/or don’t want to grapple with the guilt feelings associated with breaking up a Shidduch.
Another reason why many remain silent is that they were taught when they were young, by their peers, and sometimes even by adults, that they should never “snitch” on others. Underlying that “rule” was the rule of “protecting one’s own”. All students in one school were “one’s own” group. The school staff belonged to another group. Whenever a person’s name is placed on a Shidduch resume, that person becomes their own, and must be protected from those who don’t “belong” to their group.
Responding to requests from strangers for information about one’s friends or relatives, and deciding how to respond based on how friendly they are with the relative/friend is unfair. People are responsible, to whatever degree they can, to help anyone who would be unfairly treated without their intervention.
Nevertheless, there are times when people shouldn’t become involved:
1) When they aren’t certain which side is correct. Voicing an opinion without having a basis for the opinion is a self-serving act, and is usually done because people want to join in when others are having fun. I’ve sometimes avoided giving negative information about someone who may be a perfect Shidduch, when I suspected that despite the person’s (possibly significant) faults, the person who requested the information may have, what I refer to as complementing faults, which “balanced” the first person's faults. That means that, despite one sides imperfection, the other person may be as imperfect, giving them their best chance of a happy marriage than if they married anyone else.
I’ve seen people take sides because they were caught in the “wave” of opposition, and the momentum of people challenging others. Such behavior goes against the Torah’s teaching. A beautiful Medrash (Parshas Mishpotim) describes such behavior as that of dogs. When one dog howls at night the rest join in, without giving thought as to why they’re howling.
It’s almost impossible to know what “really” happened after partners split up, couples divorced, or friends went their separate ways. Therefore, I avoid having opinions, certainly don’t voice them and, most certainly, don’t become involved. I’ll often find out that the spouse/partner/friend who seemed to have been mistreated, is really the antagonist, and not the victim.
2) When more competent people are already involved. Instead of becoming excited because they can get into the middle of the fray, and believe that they share a mission with the competent people, they should see any involvement of theirs that may hurt someone else as unwanted, and left to those competent people. If they’re, truthfully, the best suited, they should become involved but, even then, do it reluctantly. They should never feel excited about getting “dirty”.
3) People aren’t responsible to “pay” a price, to become involved. Halacha states that even judges don’t have to accept cases that they believe will cause them and/or, their family, to suffer, as a result of becoming involved.
When any of these reasons apply, people should remember to make certain that their silence won’t mislead others. Withholding information, or making the inquirer believe that there’s nothing else to know is misleading.
These three points should be absolute, except when someone’s already involved. Once people are involved they have a greater, moral, obligation to help, than when the situation is being presented to them for the first time. For example, schools require fewer reasons to reject an applicant, than when they ask a student who’s already enrolled to leave the school.
I was once involved in a divorce and custody battle. As I advocated for one side, I was maligned by the other side. When various “pieces” of new information shifted my position, I found myself maligned by the first side. I learned, sadly, that it’s almost never worthwhile to become involved in highly emotional cases because, regardless of one’s position, people’ll run the risk of ruining their reputation, losing friends, etc. I’ve learned, since then, to choose carefully before I become involved in the lives of others.
When should people become involved, voice their opinions, or intervene to help some people while hurting others? The answer needs to be decided on a case by case basis, and often after consulting with a Rav. What’s important to know is that the decision to become, or not become, involved, isn’t a choice, but an obligation, and shouldn’t be made based on any personal preference.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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