When Is it Healthy To Live “Out Of The Box”, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
Many people consider living “out of the box” as a positive character trait. It represents individuality, the confidence for people to do their “own thing”, and to have a colorful personality. People who are “in the box” are robots, boring, non-thinkers. As with other categories, people can “jam” their personal preferences into a category that’ll legitimize negative behaviors and attitudes. Here are some thoughts on this topic:
I believe that it’s never a positive decision to live out of the box, and I don’t promote living out of the box. Instead, I suggest that people live in the box, but let their feet dangle out. I don’t promote people living out of the box because:
I’m uncomfortable in trusting the character of people who do whatever they want, without any concern for what others think, even if their decisions are mostly positive. Since they’re out of the box, they hardly ever ask for advice. Under pressure they may make a wrong decision. When the initial decision requires further decisions, I’ll allow their mistakes to take a “life of their own”. Living within a framework will often limit the extent of a bad decision, because the communal framework has a rhythm into which people will “fall back”, and which will “bring them back”. For example, if they became lazy about attending Davening, belonging to a community will naturally “draw” them back to Shul. Below are a few examples of why it’s better to go with a group, than to do things on their own:
a) If everyone in the community learns Torah at a certain time, joining them at that time will result in fewer missed of learning days, than if they learned at a different time or place.
b) Those that live out of the box often don’t have a Rebbi whom they follow. They may, also, look for a Rebbi who’s out of the box, someone who licenses them to do whatever they want. Even if they have a mainstream Rebbi, they’ll consider his advice as suggestions, and not as decisions.
c) Those who pride themselves on being out of the box, are often “just plain” irresponsible. They don’t show up to appointments on time, can’t schedule their time more than a few minutes beforehand and, in general, can’t be relied upon. I’m still searching for the out of the box person who’s more responsible than I just described.
2) Belonging to a community, and acting accord to its rules, teaches children that there are boundaries, and when those boundaries are crossed, their options become limited. For example, they can choose to go to any Minyan that they want, but they don’t have a choice as to whether, or not, they’ll attend on time. They can stay up late, but they don’t have a choice as to when they’ll wake up the next morning to go to school/shul.
It’s important to belong to a community. When parents don’t have boundaries, their children will learn from their actions that they can also do whatever “they feel is right”. (Out of the box people “feel” they don’t bother believing. I changed it everywhere but in this context) While their parents may have, mostly, made responsible decisions, their children have learned the shallower lesson that, “if I feel that it’s what I should do, then I’ll do it”. They’ll “turn” against their parents when their views differ. The parents are often unaware that it was their chosen lifestyle that planted the seeds of their children’s rebellion.
3) Living out of the box may seem harmless when people first move into a community. They’re considered “colorful”, and people enjoy speaking with them. However, as time passes, they, and everyone else, will realize that they’re different, and that they’re still outsiders. They’ve lived their lives to the beat of a different drummer and, recognizing it, their neighbors reciprocated in kind, creating a mutual gap between the out of the box family and its community. Eventually, they’ll feel isolated, and become resentful of their neighbors and Rebbi.
4) In many cases both of the spouses live life with the same attitude. However, often one spouse, and/or the children, will suffer, because the dominating personality causes the entire family to be “looked at as different”. Being “forced” to live out of the box will cause them to feel as if they don’t belong. Their Peyos may be shorter/longer than everyone else's. Their children may be the only ones who attend a school on the other side of town, or is home schooled. Their father is the only one who Davens “at the top of his lungs”, or claps during Davening. They sense the differences between their family and everyone else’s.
“Growing up” and feeling differently isn’t healthy and, although its effect may be understood, it’s underestimated by most people. Everyone should believe that they belong somewhere, such as in a family, class, and/or community. Children, and especially teenagers, who are forming the identity that’ll stay with them for their entire lives, have a need to belong that’s greater than adults.
On the other hand, living in the box, and allowing their feet to dangle out of it, will allow people to become fully integrated within the communal rhythm. They’ll attend all the communal classes, share in all the events, and contribute the same amount of time, and energy, as everyone else, to help their community grow.
Yes, they’re still different. They never miss a Shiur, but may be the only ones in the group to come with an Artscroll Gemoro. They may always bring treats, such as doughnuts, or the like. They may be contagiously upbeat, and use creative words, and expressions, that are uncommon in the community. They always have a story, and it's fun to be around them.
People who live out of the box have a need to be themselves, and may not sufficiently consider the feelings of others. Those people who live in the box are always concerned with other people’s feelings.
Living in the box with their feet dangling out will demonstrate to their children that people’s individuality is important, and should be cultivated. Nevertheless, everyone needs to belong to a system. Belonging to a group, and having an advisor, doesn’t mean that they’re boring, and don’t think. It means that everyone must respect a system, even if they believe that they can do better, by making their own decisions.
I believe that it’s never a positive decision to live out of the box, and I don’t promote living out of the box. Instead, I suggest that people live in the box, but let their feet dangle out. I don’t promote people living out of the box because:
I’m uncomfortable in trusting the character of people who do whatever they want, without any concern for what others think, even if their decisions are mostly positive. Since they’re out of the box, they hardly ever ask for advice. Under pressure they may make a wrong decision. When the initial decision requires further decisions, I’ll allow their mistakes to take a “life of their own”. Living within a framework will often limit the extent of a bad decision, because the communal framework has a rhythm into which people will “fall back”, and which will “bring them back”. For example, if they became lazy about attending Davening, belonging to a community will naturally “draw” them back to Shul. Below are a few examples of why it’s better to go with a group, than to do things on their own:
a) If everyone in the community learns Torah at a certain time, joining them at that time will result in fewer missed of learning days, than if they learned at a different time or place.
b) Those that live out of the box often don’t have a Rebbi whom they follow. They may, also, look for a Rebbi who’s out of the box, someone who licenses them to do whatever they want. Even if they have a mainstream Rebbi, they’ll consider his advice as suggestions, and not as decisions.
c) Those who pride themselves on being out of the box, are often “just plain” irresponsible. They don’t show up to appointments on time, can’t schedule their time more than a few minutes beforehand and, in general, can’t be relied upon. I’m still searching for the out of the box person who’s more responsible than I just described.
2) Belonging to a community, and acting accord to its rules, teaches children that there are boundaries, and when those boundaries are crossed, their options become limited. For example, they can choose to go to any Minyan that they want, but they don’t have a choice as to whether, or not, they’ll attend on time. They can stay up late, but they don’t have a choice as to when they’ll wake up the next morning to go to school/shul.
It’s important to belong to a community. When parents don’t have boundaries, their children will learn from their actions that they can also do whatever “they feel is right”. (Out of the box people “feel” they don’t bother believing. I changed it everywhere but in this context) While their parents may have, mostly, made responsible decisions, their children have learned the shallower lesson that, “if I feel that it’s what I should do, then I’ll do it”. They’ll “turn” against their parents when their views differ. The parents are often unaware that it was their chosen lifestyle that planted the seeds of their children’s rebellion.
3) Living out of the box may seem harmless when people first move into a community. They’re considered “colorful”, and people enjoy speaking with them. However, as time passes, they, and everyone else, will realize that they’re different, and that they’re still outsiders. They’ve lived their lives to the beat of a different drummer and, recognizing it, their neighbors reciprocated in kind, creating a mutual gap between the out of the box family and its community. Eventually, they’ll feel isolated, and become resentful of their neighbors and Rebbi.
4) In many cases both of the spouses live life with the same attitude. However, often one spouse, and/or the children, will suffer, because the dominating personality causes the entire family to be “looked at as different”. Being “forced” to live out of the box will cause them to feel as if they don’t belong. Their Peyos may be shorter/longer than everyone else's. Their children may be the only ones who attend a school on the other side of town, or is home schooled. Their father is the only one who Davens “at the top of his lungs”, or claps during Davening. They sense the differences between their family and everyone else’s.
“Growing up” and feeling differently isn’t healthy and, although its effect may be understood, it’s underestimated by most people. Everyone should believe that they belong somewhere, such as in a family, class, and/or community. Children, and especially teenagers, who are forming the identity that’ll stay with them for their entire lives, have a need to belong that’s greater than adults.
On the other hand, living in the box, and allowing their feet to dangle out of it, will allow people to become fully integrated within the communal rhythm. They’ll attend all the communal classes, share in all the events, and contribute the same amount of time, and energy, as everyone else, to help their community grow.
Yes, they’re still different. They never miss a Shiur, but may be the only ones in the group to come with an Artscroll Gemoro. They may always bring treats, such as doughnuts, or the like. They may be contagiously upbeat, and use creative words, and expressions, that are uncommon in the community. They always have a story, and it's fun to be around them.
People who live out of the box have a need to be themselves, and may not sufficiently consider the feelings of others. Those people who live in the box are always concerned with other people’s feelings.
Living in the box with their feet dangling out will demonstrate to their children that people’s individuality is important, and should be cultivated. Nevertheless, everyone needs to belong to a system. Belonging to a group, and having an advisor, doesn’t mean that they’re boring, and don’t think. It means that everyone must respect a system, even if they believe that they can do better, by making their own decisions.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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