When Caring Hurts Us & Those We Love, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I received the following question via email:
Hello hope your keeping well? Just wanted to ask - you know when ppl tell you stuff that is upsetting let's say they tell you a secret or a disturbing thing (you must have it all day) how do you feel sorry for that person but not let it affect you and your mood or frame of mind, even if that person is close to you (a good friend or family member)
Your question makes the assumption that you have to listen to them. I’d like to challenge that assumption. You have to first decide what works with your personal levels of Yishuv Hadaas before, and after, you listen. For how long can you listen (to talk of divorce, unhappy children, etc.); how often (does your friend call you every day, and keep you on the phone for an hour); and from whom (listening to a random classmate, is different than listening to your best friend, or sibling)?
Let’s assume you can handle it, and are comfortable in being a listener to your friends. All you need are some additional skills. I’ll suggest what I consider a healthy, balanced, perspective of the world, and the people in it, that you need to know.
1) The world, in general, isn’t emotionally healthy. This is true to a very strong degree, and covers a very wide range of issues. Therefore, I can believe anything that I hear. Let’s say someone tells you that, sadly, they’re divorcing after being married for twenty years, or that they did something terrible and it makes them feel very guilty. That’s not news? We know that those things happen. We’re only shocked because the “stories” are about a person we know, which brings that, individual, story “close to home”. Since the actual story isn’t something that I consider shocking, I remind myself that I’ve a right to become disappointed, but not shocked.
I use the same advice in my personal life. I’ve known enough people who died young to know that it happens in families. Everyone who’s lost a child, knows others who’ve lost children. Nevertheless, those who were experiencing their own loss were shocked that such a thing could happen, as if it had never happened before. People are expected to be distraught, and even shattered, but shocked isn’t a legitimate emotion. Removing the shocked portion from our reaction makes listening to others easier.
2) I believe in people, and know that whatever they’re doing now isn’t indicative of how they’ll act in 6 months, when they’re married, and settle in. Therefore, whatever I’m told I don’t see as the final chapter. I see it as only the beginning of their life. I can “handle” listening to people’s concerns, and complaints, knowing that, in most cases, things will fall into place.
Listening is more difficult when it’s adults who are speaking, and it’s their lives that are going in the wrong direction. For example, imagine people who are in an unhappy marriage, somewhat depressed, have weak personalities, etc. Even when it doesn’t look like I can significantly change their lives, I know that I can at least brighten up their day. I can always make a difference. Knowing that I can make a difference leads me to the next point.
3) I try not to think about myself when I listen to other people’s problems. I also try not to think too much about the person to whom I’m listening. Focusing on myself, and certainly on the other person, can get me depressed. I don’t think of who I am, but of what I can do right now. I don’t focus on the people who are complaining, but on what I can do to make their lives easier, even if all I can do is listen to them.
This takes practice, but is a worthwhile project. One of the difficult parts of succeeding is avoiding becoming a martyr. Martyrs also ignore themselves, but do it in an unhealthy manner. The difference between a martyr and what I’m suggesting, is subtle, and requires a greater discussion than I can place on paper. As always, you can call me, and we can discuss it.
4) The next thought is usually reserved for a mentor, and you seem to be playing the role of mentor. While I do care about the people to whom I talk, I deliberately keep an emotional distance. I do it not only for selfish reasons, but also because I’m aware that I’m more effective that way. I also try to avoid burn out, something that’s common in this field. I avoid becoming subjective in my advice, because I think of the person as “you’re like my son/daughter.”
However, distancing yourself, emotionally, from the person that you’re trying to help can be complicated. The person may become resentful but will, later, appreciate the advice you’ve given. You may look back and say to yourself, “To maximize my effectiveness I must make my friend upset at me”. When the people I was trying to help thought I wasn’t caring enough, I had to deal with their backlash of appearing to be too calculated. Eventually, people saw my advice, and always being there for them, as an uncommon form of caring.
5) An extension of this is that I remind myself that I’m not responsible to help anyone. I’m only responsible to create an environment (even if it’s only through listening and advising) that’ll give them their greatest chance for success. Once I do that, I become comfortable knowing that I’m helping as many people as I possibly can. Doing what’s right is important, and knowing I did what was right, even if the results were mixed, has a calming effect on me.
You may respond to me that all of this advice is great when you get a random call, but what if the person is a close friend, classmate, or sibling? The answer is the same as what I’ve just described. The difference is that when the person in need of a listening ear is a close friend, relative etc., while my advice is still easy to understand, it’s very difficult to apply.
If you care enough about them to really want to help, you’ll have to make sure you don’t care too much. If you want what’s best for them, you have to be prepared to respond, when necessary, in a non-friendly manner. In other words, if you really care, you’ll only focus on one thing, and that’s being effective. You won’t focus on being nice, friendly, or even caring; you’ll only focus on being effective. Being effective is caring, it just doesn’t seem to be.
I hope this that has answered your question. I certainly got an article out of it. Please let me know if this has helped you, and if you have any other questions.
Yes this is what I wanted. I just feel that I always have the lowest level of control I have to watch my family and let them get on with their mistakes/problems whilst always
Not being allowed to "help" because they don't want help they want to be sad they want to be depressed they want to focus on the latest saga. I have to seem passive and ever happy but not to happy otherwise that aggravates them
(Before I respond to this last e-mail I must remind readers that this particular e-mail involves ineffective parents. However, this doesn’t, in any manner, intend to infer that parents are usually the problem. On the contrary, most parents are sincere, effective, and their children’s greatest asset, even though their children may not (yet) be aware of it. The message of this article will often apply to parents who worry about their children, and friends who worry about each other.)
I think your only solution is to recognize your family as a “situation”. This means that when your mother says she wants to disappear when she turns 60, even though she knows that saying that bothers you, is for you to think like an “outsider” would. You’d say the following: “I love _____ dearly, but she isn’t healthy. She’s so unhappy she can’t think of others. I really feel bad for her”. A similar analysis should be used for any unhealthy person with whom you’re forced to share your life.
The problem this creates is that you’ll become depressed, staying in a home in which you have to remind yourself that both your parents are in need of significant emotional assistance. There’s nothing you can do to solve that problem. You can only lessen your pain by finding friends, or getting involved in a project. Maybe you can find a job that’s meaningful. This will allow you to move forward until things become easier.
The point is that not every situation can be solved. Some have to be accepted, managed, and survived. Your job is to do your best at accepting, managing, and surviving.
There’s one more thing that you can do. You have to learn not to think too much (that’s my latest thought). We often dwell on things on which we don’t have to dwell. We know the conclusion. We know how thinking about it will make us feel. Instead, when you’re confronted with the typical negative dialogue that repeatedly “plays out” in your mind, say to yourself: “I’ve been there many times. There’s nothing to think about. It’s sad. I have to go _______ that’s in my room. “
While it may be sad not to have a solution to a problem, some people find that, in a certain way, it makes it easier to accept. There’s closure. You know you can’t change your past. You know you can’t make things “normal”. This allows you to stop trying, and to direct all your energies into accepting, and finding, alternatives, while you’re still living at home.
I, then, received the following email from a second person:
Hi, I just want to ask you for some advice on my relationship with my friend. I was in New York for the weekend with a few of my good old friends, and for the first time this year I actually felt happy and carefree. It was great, and I was still in that bubble after I got home, until I got together with ____. Then everything just fell flat. I'm wondering now if It's because I was away from her, and not thinking about her at all that I had such a great time. And if that's the case, I really need to break away from her. I just don't have the heart to do that. I can't leave her alone now, but I really can't handle it anymore. What am I supposed to do?
This is going to be a difficult conversation. The question isn’t whether she’ll fall apart if you distance yourself from her. She’ll fall apart and it’ll be terrible for her. The question you have to ask yourself is “should I befriend a person if it’ll be terrible for me, but it’ll be worse for her”.
I can answer your question from a right/wrong perspective, but that answer may not “sit well” with you. The answer is that you have to distance yourself from her. (If you want to know how to do this without appearing as a bad person, and by also taking care of your friend, I can you offer some ideas)
All people are responsible for themselves, before anyone else. This means that it’s not about degrees. People don’t have to say, and have no right to say, “Well, it’ll be bad for me if I stay friendly, but much worse for her if I don’t. There’s no “point system” when a person’s health is at stake.
You were placed on this earth to live a healthy life, and that precedes everything else. One of the reasons you can’t help people at your emotional expense is because you can’t live in a manner in which you ignore the long term effect it’ll have on your own life. Helping her, will cost you the ability to help other people, including your spouse, future kids, etc. People are often unable to look at the broader picture because that picture hasn’t been “painted” yet. Therefore, even if knowing that it’s important to live a life that’ll allow you to help others in the future doesn’t make you feel good now, you should follow this guideline: “No one should help anyone else at the expense of their own emotional health.
The reason this answer won’t make you feel good enough to readily accept it, is because people want to feel good about themselves when they make a tough decision. Sadly, this doesn’t happen often, because most decisions require that one side of the decision gets what they want, while the other side gets nothing. Therefore, regardless of your decision, something will have to make you feel badly, and even guilty. Realizing that feeling badly is part of many decisions, should make you more comfortable in deciding to move on.
Hello hope your keeping well? Just wanted to ask - you know when ppl tell you stuff that is upsetting let's say they tell you a secret or a disturbing thing (you must have it all day) how do you feel sorry for that person but not let it affect you and your mood or frame of mind, even if that person is close to you (a good friend or family member)
Your question makes the assumption that you have to listen to them. I’d like to challenge that assumption. You have to first decide what works with your personal levels of Yishuv Hadaas before, and after, you listen. For how long can you listen (to talk of divorce, unhappy children, etc.); how often (does your friend call you every day, and keep you on the phone for an hour); and from whom (listening to a random classmate, is different than listening to your best friend, or sibling)?
Let’s assume you can handle it, and are comfortable in being a listener to your friends. All you need are some additional skills. I’ll suggest what I consider a healthy, balanced, perspective of the world, and the people in it, that you need to know.
1) The world, in general, isn’t emotionally healthy. This is true to a very strong degree, and covers a very wide range of issues. Therefore, I can believe anything that I hear. Let’s say someone tells you that, sadly, they’re divorcing after being married for twenty years, or that they did something terrible and it makes them feel very guilty. That’s not news? We know that those things happen. We’re only shocked because the “stories” are about a person we know, which brings that, individual, story “close to home”. Since the actual story isn’t something that I consider shocking, I remind myself that I’ve a right to become disappointed, but not shocked.
I use the same advice in my personal life. I’ve known enough people who died young to know that it happens in families. Everyone who’s lost a child, knows others who’ve lost children. Nevertheless, those who were experiencing their own loss were shocked that such a thing could happen, as if it had never happened before. People are expected to be distraught, and even shattered, but shocked isn’t a legitimate emotion. Removing the shocked portion from our reaction makes listening to others easier.
2) I believe in people, and know that whatever they’re doing now isn’t indicative of how they’ll act in 6 months, when they’re married, and settle in. Therefore, whatever I’m told I don’t see as the final chapter. I see it as only the beginning of their life. I can “handle” listening to people’s concerns, and complaints, knowing that, in most cases, things will fall into place.
Listening is more difficult when it’s adults who are speaking, and it’s their lives that are going in the wrong direction. For example, imagine people who are in an unhappy marriage, somewhat depressed, have weak personalities, etc. Even when it doesn’t look like I can significantly change their lives, I know that I can at least brighten up their day. I can always make a difference. Knowing that I can make a difference leads me to the next point.
3) I try not to think about myself when I listen to other people’s problems. I also try not to think too much about the person to whom I’m listening. Focusing on myself, and certainly on the other person, can get me depressed. I don’t think of who I am, but of what I can do right now. I don’t focus on the people who are complaining, but on what I can do to make their lives easier, even if all I can do is listen to them.
This takes practice, but is a worthwhile project. One of the difficult parts of succeeding is avoiding becoming a martyr. Martyrs also ignore themselves, but do it in an unhealthy manner. The difference between a martyr and what I’m suggesting, is subtle, and requires a greater discussion than I can place on paper. As always, you can call me, and we can discuss it.
4) The next thought is usually reserved for a mentor, and you seem to be playing the role of mentor. While I do care about the people to whom I talk, I deliberately keep an emotional distance. I do it not only for selfish reasons, but also because I’m aware that I’m more effective that way. I also try to avoid burn out, something that’s common in this field. I avoid becoming subjective in my advice, because I think of the person as “you’re like my son/daughter.”
However, distancing yourself, emotionally, from the person that you’re trying to help can be complicated. The person may become resentful but will, later, appreciate the advice you’ve given. You may look back and say to yourself, “To maximize my effectiveness I must make my friend upset at me”. When the people I was trying to help thought I wasn’t caring enough, I had to deal with their backlash of appearing to be too calculated. Eventually, people saw my advice, and always being there for them, as an uncommon form of caring.
5) An extension of this is that I remind myself that I’m not responsible to help anyone. I’m only responsible to create an environment (even if it’s only through listening and advising) that’ll give them their greatest chance for success. Once I do that, I become comfortable knowing that I’m helping as many people as I possibly can. Doing what’s right is important, and knowing I did what was right, even if the results were mixed, has a calming effect on me.
You may respond to me that all of this advice is great when you get a random call, but what if the person is a close friend, classmate, or sibling? The answer is the same as what I’ve just described. The difference is that when the person in need of a listening ear is a close friend, relative etc., while my advice is still easy to understand, it’s very difficult to apply.
If you care enough about them to really want to help, you’ll have to make sure you don’t care too much. If you want what’s best for them, you have to be prepared to respond, when necessary, in a non-friendly manner. In other words, if you really care, you’ll only focus on one thing, and that’s being effective. You won’t focus on being nice, friendly, or even caring; you’ll only focus on being effective. Being effective is caring, it just doesn’t seem to be.
I hope this that has answered your question. I certainly got an article out of it. Please let me know if this has helped you, and if you have any other questions.
Yes this is what I wanted. I just feel that I always have the lowest level of control I have to watch my family and let them get on with their mistakes/problems whilst always
Not being allowed to "help" because they don't want help they want to be sad they want to be depressed they want to focus on the latest saga. I have to seem passive and ever happy but not to happy otherwise that aggravates them
(Before I respond to this last e-mail I must remind readers that this particular e-mail involves ineffective parents. However, this doesn’t, in any manner, intend to infer that parents are usually the problem. On the contrary, most parents are sincere, effective, and their children’s greatest asset, even though their children may not (yet) be aware of it. The message of this article will often apply to parents who worry about their children, and friends who worry about each other.)
I think your only solution is to recognize your family as a “situation”. This means that when your mother says she wants to disappear when she turns 60, even though she knows that saying that bothers you, is for you to think like an “outsider” would. You’d say the following: “I love _____ dearly, but she isn’t healthy. She’s so unhappy she can’t think of others. I really feel bad for her”. A similar analysis should be used for any unhealthy person with whom you’re forced to share your life.
The problem this creates is that you’ll become depressed, staying in a home in which you have to remind yourself that both your parents are in need of significant emotional assistance. There’s nothing you can do to solve that problem. You can only lessen your pain by finding friends, or getting involved in a project. Maybe you can find a job that’s meaningful. This will allow you to move forward until things become easier.
The point is that not every situation can be solved. Some have to be accepted, managed, and survived. Your job is to do your best at accepting, managing, and surviving.
There’s one more thing that you can do. You have to learn not to think too much (that’s my latest thought). We often dwell on things on which we don’t have to dwell. We know the conclusion. We know how thinking about it will make us feel. Instead, when you’re confronted with the typical negative dialogue that repeatedly “plays out” in your mind, say to yourself: “I’ve been there many times. There’s nothing to think about. It’s sad. I have to go _______ that’s in my room. “
While it may be sad not to have a solution to a problem, some people find that, in a certain way, it makes it easier to accept. There’s closure. You know you can’t change your past. You know you can’t make things “normal”. This allows you to stop trying, and to direct all your energies into accepting, and finding, alternatives, while you’re still living at home.
I, then, received the following email from a second person:
Hi, I just want to ask you for some advice on my relationship with my friend. I was in New York for the weekend with a few of my good old friends, and for the first time this year I actually felt happy and carefree. It was great, and I was still in that bubble after I got home, until I got together with ____. Then everything just fell flat. I'm wondering now if It's because I was away from her, and not thinking about her at all that I had such a great time. And if that's the case, I really need to break away from her. I just don't have the heart to do that. I can't leave her alone now, but I really can't handle it anymore. What am I supposed to do?
This is going to be a difficult conversation. The question isn’t whether she’ll fall apart if you distance yourself from her. She’ll fall apart and it’ll be terrible for her. The question you have to ask yourself is “should I befriend a person if it’ll be terrible for me, but it’ll be worse for her”.
I can answer your question from a right/wrong perspective, but that answer may not “sit well” with you. The answer is that you have to distance yourself from her. (If you want to know how to do this without appearing as a bad person, and by also taking care of your friend, I can you offer some ideas)
All people are responsible for themselves, before anyone else. This means that it’s not about degrees. People don’t have to say, and have no right to say, “Well, it’ll be bad for me if I stay friendly, but much worse for her if I don’t. There’s no “point system” when a person’s health is at stake.
You were placed on this earth to live a healthy life, and that precedes everything else. One of the reasons you can’t help people at your emotional expense is because you can’t live in a manner in which you ignore the long term effect it’ll have on your own life. Helping her, will cost you the ability to help other people, including your spouse, future kids, etc. People are often unable to look at the broader picture because that picture hasn’t been “painted” yet. Therefore, even if knowing that it’s important to live a life that’ll allow you to help others in the future doesn’t make you feel good now, you should follow this guideline: “No one should help anyone else at the expense of their own emotional health.
The reason this answer won’t make you feel good enough to readily accept it, is because people want to feel good about themselves when they make a tough decision. Sadly, this doesn’t happen often, because most decisions require that one side of the decision gets what they want, while the other side gets nothing. Therefore, regardless of your decision, something will have to make you feel badly, and even guilty. Realizing that feeling badly is part of many decisions, should make you more comfortable in deciding to move on.
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