What Makes A Person Sensitive, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I’d like to offer you (this is an e-mail that I sent to a close student) your first course for advanced studies on the topic of life coach / mentor / marriage. I’d like to introduce this topic with an example from your personal life. Please resist the urge to respond that “I know I need to work on this. We’ve spoken about this several times”. I’m not discussing your behavior. I’m focusing on your thoughts at the moment that you’ve make many of your decisions, whether consciously or subconsciously, that allows your behavior to continue. Here’s an example.
When, we as a group, are going somewhere, you come just late enough to require us to wait about five minutes. While we wait for you there’s the common polite silence. Some of the group are annoyed, since they all came on time and have full schedules.
I’d like to be clear that I don’t believe that you have any of the following thoughts, since you aren’t a selfish person. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that it’s impossible for people to repeatedly come a few minutes late unless they have one, or a combination, of the following three thoughts lodged in their minds:
1) You aren’t the least bit concerned about how your actions will affect others. This would indicate a self-absorbed behavior.
2) You’re concerned with how your actions will affect others. However, those extra 5 minutes of sleep are so important to you, that you believe it’s reasonable to “ask” the others to understand that, despite their loss of 5 minutes each, your sleep legitimizes their loss.
3) You don’t fully grasp what takes place when you come five minutes late. You’re unaware of how you’re affecting the group, and what goes through their minds.
I’m aware that all three of these options may seem to you as offensive accusations. They aren’t intended be. What I’ve described is exceedingly common in many people. Many people refuse to accept the fact that demonstrating one of these three, unacknowledged, thoughts, will cause people to be insensitive whether or not they’re aware of it.
Here’s a simple way for you to confirm my, above, theory. Ask yourself; “could I possibly come 5 minutes late if: 1) I cared about how I was inconveniencing others; 2) I realized that my 5 minutes was costing others 45 minutes; and 3) I was aware of what others were thinking about me while they were forced to wait? I think it would be impossible to come late if those thoughts we’re in your mind.
Now let’s forget about your coming late to group events. Can people mentor others, if they aren’t in touch with themselves, their surroundings, with the relationship between the two? Now, forget about mentoring. Can people be happily married without being in touch with themselves, and certainly their spouses, without an awareness of the relationship between the two?
What you may realize, while reading this, is that superficially caring for others usually isn’t enough for them. People who care for others, superficially, may believe that this is true, but it isn’t.Truly caring for others means that people are aware of and, therefore, sensitive to the needs that most people overlook. It requires people to notice not only what can be seen when they look at others, but also to anticipate what can’t be seen, and only “sensed”. Sensitivity is only possible when people are mindful of others, and their needs.
I often tell people that they can’t be defined as sensitive if they’re only sensitive when they’re “on duty”, such as when they’re entertaining guests, mentoring, or on dates. Being sensitive only during specific times is similar to an employee who’s only doing what s/he does because s/he’s being paid. Their actions aren’t who they are, it’s what they want to do at that moment. When people act sensitively when they’re entertaining others they’re not being sincere, and are really only concerned with making an impression on the others, and/or feeling good about themselves.
Truly sensitive people notice others, even strangers who may be sitting next to them in shul, on a bus, or passing them on the street. True sensitivity is noticing people because it’s instinctive to notice them. (In truth, all positive behavior is instinctive; however, not everyone is in touch with their instincts.)
Some people tell me that they’re not good at noticing things. I’d like to suggest that not noticing is a subconscious lack of caring (excluding those with social limitations, e.g. autistic individuals). I also notice more when I’m in a good mood, and less when I’m in a bad mood.
Even more interesting is that as I become older I notice more categories of people. When I had my first children, I began to notice the young children of others, and I certainly noticed them more than when I was 18 years old. This pattern continued, and today, having an older parent, I notice older people, their adult children, and how they interact with their older parents much more than I did a few years ago.
What my experience has taught me is that people can be sensitive, and insensitive, at the same time, depending on which categories (e.g. young, old, handicapped people, etc.) “connect” with them at that stage of their lives. This should cause people to acknowledge, as I mentioned earlier, that they’re only sensitive for whatever they have a passion, similar to those people who only care about others when they’re entertaining, or at their job. Truly sensitive people are a “constant”. They’re sensitive to everyone, and always in tune with what others are thinking and feeling.
I don’t want you to get the impression that you must behave selflessly regardless of the personal sacrifice. Being sensitive doesn’t demand that people always help everyone at all times. Only after people have been noticed can you make a Torah based decision as to which people you’re responsible to help, and which ones, for various reasons, you aren’t. However, people can, and must, have empathy (and maybe say a little Tehillim) for them. Making those decisions effectively is another conversation and/or e-mail.
When, we as a group, are going somewhere, you come just late enough to require us to wait about five minutes. While we wait for you there’s the common polite silence. Some of the group are annoyed, since they all came on time and have full schedules.
I’d like to be clear that I don’t believe that you have any of the following thoughts, since you aren’t a selfish person. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that it’s impossible for people to repeatedly come a few minutes late unless they have one, or a combination, of the following three thoughts lodged in their minds:
1) You aren’t the least bit concerned about how your actions will affect others. This would indicate a self-absorbed behavior.
2) You’re concerned with how your actions will affect others. However, those extra 5 minutes of sleep are so important to you, that you believe it’s reasonable to “ask” the others to understand that, despite their loss of 5 minutes each, your sleep legitimizes their loss.
3) You don’t fully grasp what takes place when you come five minutes late. You’re unaware of how you’re affecting the group, and what goes through their minds.
I’m aware that all three of these options may seem to you as offensive accusations. They aren’t intended be. What I’ve described is exceedingly common in many people. Many people refuse to accept the fact that demonstrating one of these three, unacknowledged, thoughts, will cause people to be insensitive whether or not they’re aware of it.
Here’s a simple way for you to confirm my, above, theory. Ask yourself; “could I possibly come 5 minutes late if: 1) I cared about how I was inconveniencing others; 2) I realized that my 5 minutes was costing others 45 minutes; and 3) I was aware of what others were thinking about me while they were forced to wait? I think it would be impossible to come late if those thoughts we’re in your mind.
Now let’s forget about your coming late to group events. Can people mentor others, if they aren’t in touch with themselves, their surroundings, with the relationship between the two? Now, forget about mentoring. Can people be happily married without being in touch with themselves, and certainly their spouses, without an awareness of the relationship between the two?
What you may realize, while reading this, is that superficially caring for others usually isn’t enough for them. People who care for others, superficially, may believe that this is true, but it isn’t.Truly caring for others means that people are aware of and, therefore, sensitive to the needs that most people overlook. It requires people to notice not only what can be seen when they look at others, but also to anticipate what can’t be seen, and only “sensed”. Sensitivity is only possible when people are mindful of others, and their needs.
I often tell people that they can’t be defined as sensitive if they’re only sensitive when they’re “on duty”, such as when they’re entertaining guests, mentoring, or on dates. Being sensitive only during specific times is similar to an employee who’s only doing what s/he does because s/he’s being paid. Their actions aren’t who they are, it’s what they want to do at that moment. When people act sensitively when they’re entertaining others they’re not being sincere, and are really only concerned with making an impression on the others, and/or feeling good about themselves.
Truly sensitive people notice others, even strangers who may be sitting next to them in shul, on a bus, or passing them on the street. True sensitivity is noticing people because it’s instinctive to notice them. (In truth, all positive behavior is instinctive; however, not everyone is in touch with their instincts.)
Some people tell me that they’re not good at noticing things. I’d like to suggest that not noticing is a subconscious lack of caring (excluding those with social limitations, e.g. autistic individuals). I also notice more when I’m in a good mood, and less when I’m in a bad mood.
Even more interesting is that as I become older I notice more categories of people. When I had my first children, I began to notice the young children of others, and I certainly noticed them more than when I was 18 years old. This pattern continued, and today, having an older parent, I notice older people, their adult children, and how they interact with their older parents much more than I did a few years ago.
What my experience has taught me is that people can be sensitive, and insensitive, at the same time, depending on which categories (e.g. young, old, handicapped people, etc.) “connect” with them at that stage of their lives. This should cause people to acknowledge, as I mentioned earlier, that they’re only sensitive for whatever they have a passion, similar to those people who only care about others when they’re entertaining, or at their job. Truly sensitive people are a “constant”. They’re sensitive to everyone, and always in tune with what others are thinking and feeling.
I don’t want you to get the impression that you must behave selflessly regardless of the personal sacrifice. Being sensitive doesn’t demand that people always help everyone at all times. Only after people have been noticed can you make a Torah based decision as to which people you’re responsible to help, and which ones, for various reasons, you aren’t. However, people can, and must, have empathy (and maybe say a little Tehillim) for them. Making those decisions effectively is another conversation and/or e-mail.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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