Thoughts of a Disillusioned Jew by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
This ongoing dialogue is between me and a friend who’s been “grappling with religion” over the last few years. He comes from a non-religious family, and became a Baal Teshuva. Over the years, he’s become increasingly disillusioned, with thoughts that are shared by many people, regardless of their background. I believe that readers will gain from “listening in” to our conversations.
I became observant through a kind Rabbi who demonstrated a good life with his wife and children, letting me into their home virtually every Friday night for nearly a year. It was a warm experience, and I wanted to explore religion, I worked very hard on my resentments and my fears. I changed my life style pretty dramatically, learned with a great Rabbi weekly for nearly 2.5 years. I experienced the disillusionment of the humanity of religion, people being in it and the contradictions involved.
As I have grown and explored my motivations and core beliefs I want to be honest, I have really never liked nor believed in religion. However, what I learned, experienced as an observant Jew changed my world-view for the better. The wisdom of Torah I can not deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live. I am willing to learn again, to explore, knowing I am coming from a different place; I don't want my views to determine our children's view of Torah.
I am open to exploring with your guidance.
Warmly,
As always, it was nice to see you and your wonderful family. You should consider yourself blessed (even if life is difficult in other areas of your life). I’m sorry but, as I write this, I find myself thinking of one necessary introduction to our e-mails, than another, until I realize, my email is going to take a lot of pages before I can directly respond to the conversation we had during my visit. I hope you’re willing to come along for the “whole ride”. Let me know when you feel overwhelmed, and if that happens, we can slow down, take a break, or discontinue our conversations, but stay friends.
First, I want to point out that many people go through what you’re going through. There’s no difference in the experience of, for example, a 12 year old boy who sneaks behind the family shed and smokes his first cigarette, and a 12 year old who smokes something worse. While the latter may be placing himself into greater risk than the first, they’re both acting out of peer pressure, curiosity and, usually, a tinge of rebellion.
The differences between you and even the most right wing people that you know, are only in degrees. For both of you they’re the results of confusion, personal experiences, feeling suffocated and, of course, a little rebellion. While most people won’t admit to sharing your concerns, lack of motivation, or conflict, they’re the result of your youthful experiences, and/or having legitimate questions that you were never “allowed” to ask. You’re traveling a road that many people need to travel, but few are willing to travel. I’m, therefore, asking you to travel along this road with pride, and not with shame.
First, let’s “figure out” what is our mission, or goal, and then we’ll determine the rules for achieving it. Although our goal comes first, there’s one rule that’s required to help us achieve our goal.We have to be honest with ourselves, or we’ll never succeed, and/or wrongly conclude that there isn’t any value in living a Torah lifestyle. A lack of honesty will stall the process, and lead to a disappointing outcome.
Most people, including you, made believe that they truly believed whatever they were told to believe. They gravitated to the “right” answers, parroted them to others, and assumed that they believed them with all of their hearts. They ignored the fact that they often acted contrary to those beliefs, and that they never placed enough thought into whether, or not, they truly believed. As we search for real meaning in our lives, but continue along a path of superficial beliefs, we’ll have gained nothing, other than having another failure, “proving” that there’s no such thing as real meaning, and inherent truths, such as those advocated in the Torah.
Our goal is to find out what we really believe, and hope that our belief system will support a healthy lifestyle for you, your wife, and your children. You’ve been exploring the possibility that this lifestyle can be found in a true Torah lifestyle. (Based on your e-mail you have to decide whether that’s your mission, and if it’s not, what it should be.) Don’t mindlessly accept what I’m saying to you. Instead, consider, conclude, and then articulate it to yourself, and see how it sounds to you. Only then will you be able to move to the next step.
Here are some rules to help us achieve our goal, and to decrease your resistance to adopting a Torah lifestyle. If we don’t decrease your resistance, whatever we achieve won’t be sustainable, and you won’t become a part of a Torah lifestyle. Keep in mind that resistance is natural. Every step that we’ll take will offer clarity, but clarity will increase the realization of responsibility. Awareness of responsibility will increase resistance, because many things that people are asked to do make them uncomfortable, because people don’t like being told what to do.
Since there’s a risk that resistance will sabotage our goals, I’m suggesting that our first stages of progress should be taken in a “vacuum”, and be limited to an intellectual, and not a behavioral, voyage. When people are asked to make behavioral changes, the burden, frequently, makes it difficult for them to stay intellectually honest.
I’m also suggesting that we explore areas of the Torah that are simple, and not complex, and that are consistent with our personal natures. Many people want to feel like heroes, and deal with the issues that have frustrated them the most. Instead, let’s build slowly and, once the overall clarity of why we should live a Torah lifestyle has “sunk” in, we’ll confront our more difficult issues.
What do you suggest should be our starting point? I’d like to know if you have any thoughts about it. If not, I’ll suggest some more thoughts. For example, we can make our goal the shattering of some of the preconceived attitudes blocking us from giving religion, G-d, and the Torah, a fair chance.
Before I explain the process people should take to gravitate towards a Torah based lifestyle I want to remove some of the commonly seen points of resistance. You mentioned one of them, and I’d like to dedicate some time to it. People won’t increase their appreciation for a Torah lifestyle if they feel it’s faulty. You wrote: “I experienced the disillusionment of the humanity of religion, people being in it, and the contradictions involved.”
Although, the Rabbi’s may not have done anything wrong, nevertheless, people have built them up into being more than human. One student of mine was surprised that I ate finger food with my fingers. I stopped doing it in public, not because it’s wrong, but because people have an exaggerated, and sometimes such an exaggerated view that it distorts the reality, and expectation, of Rabbis. From my perspective, I find it unfair not to allow me to be human, although I accept it graciously, (most of the time).
Sometimes, a Rabbi may do something inappropriate. What needs to be determined is whether a fault of a follower (the Rabbi) represents a fault in the system (Hashem and his Torah). People must ask themselves, why they become disillusioned with an entire system because a part of the system is faulty. A broad condemnation by people is self-serving, and they believe that it releases them from their religious responsibilities towards Hashem. People accept or, at least, don’t reject, democracy despite its flaws. They shake their head at the individual, and find someone else in whom to believe.
We also need to ask ourselves whether the fault found in this follower (Rabbi) deserves his complete condemnation. The fault may have been a classical human error, a common typical act, except that it was done by a Rabbi. When this happens, they’re often judged too harshly. Does his positive character outweigh his negatives? Did the behavior show evil intent, or was it an oversight, something that’s easy to forgive? A common consideration should be whether the Rabbi, who may have shown a lack of character, would have demonstrated even less character without his Torah background. I know many community leaders with faults. However, I clearly see how the Torah has improved them, even if it hasn’t (yet) made them perfect people.
At other times the resentment against those who are supposed to represent Torah may be the result of people who may feel slighted. Was the Rabbi right in what he did? While the hurt feeling may be natural, it may blind people from being objective? Did he attempt to apologize, even if it was only indirectly?
I think that a part of the issue is that people see the Torah as rigid, and not fluid; and its followers as an institution, and not as individuals. Thinking this way won’t allow people to be practical. The Torah has Halochos, laws. Many laws are based on ideal situations, but some are for less than ideal situations. This doesn’t mean that the Torah is “changing its mind”. These adjustments are based on Halachic guidelines. Rabbinical laws are, in many cases, even more flexible. Nevertheless, they shouldn’t be seen as “the Rabbis say/do what they want”. They’re also based on Halachic guidelines.
The followers of the Torah are people, and not institutions. They’re also human. They have to carpool like the rest of us. They become impatient when they’re tired, and may have wives who complain that they spend too much time with people who won’t listen to them, and aren’t appreciative. These examples, and others, will take a toll on people whom we respect. Sometimes, the people who are critical are the same ones who don’t listen to their advice and don’t appreciate their Rabbi. When people see them as institutions, with rigid expectations, they remove their right to demonstrate human imperfection. Seeing them as people will allow for empathy, and sensitivity, on the part of their students/congregants.
If you allow me to ramble and continue speaking of my peers, I find it interesting that many of them voice the complaints that those in need call them when they have problems, but never call them back when the advice they were given was helpful. The Rabbi is left wondering, and worried, about what happened. Although the Rabbis see themselves as people, those who ask for help, see them as institutions.
While I know that the Torah is perfect, people shouldn’t conclude that its followers are also perfect. I’ve grappled with some Rabbis who didn’t keep their words. I recognize that we’re all human and, instead of being critical, I’ll take a deep breath and move on, without drawing broad conclusions. I do this because I’m afraid that too many people will find out that I’m also only human.
It’s important to understand why our view of Rabbis is an unfair interpretation of our attitude towards a Torah lifestyle. Most people like, or dislike, something for the most peripheral, or biased, reasons. I remember buying my first car because it had a light between the two side doors. In the 80’s that was cool. Nevertheless, that’s not a legitimate reason to buy a car. People may immediately take a liking, or disliking, to someone because of the town from which they came. Does that make any sense?
Our experiences show that genuine reasons aren’t always valid ones. We can give up on something important for a reason which may be legitimate, but isn’t significant enough to change our attitude or behavior. For example, realizing that an employer isn’t as nice as you thought, is a legitimate reason to change your opinion of the employer and the job, but it doesn’t necessarily make it a legitimate reason to quit that job. Finding out that a Rabbi may have less then sterling character, and failed your expectations, may be a real conclusion, but it isn’t a valid explanation for rejecting a Torah lifestyle.
I’m attaching a very long essay that I recently wrote. In it, I touch on how our misconceptions can create attitudes, which cause us to not take advantage of some potentially life altering opportunities.
With your permission I’d like to continue writing about why people should consider living a Torah lifestyle, even before I hear your response to the previous discussion of Rabbis, and what are fair expectations from them. Please don’t gloss over that topic because I’ve “moved” onto the next one.
You also mentioned in your e-mail that, ”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live.” Many people are satisfied because their beliefs are consistent with those of the Torah’s, unaware that when attitude, isn’t followed by behavior, the proper attitudes will be cause for criticism, and not praise.
”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live.” is a powerful statement. Throughout our lives we carry truths on which we don’t act. Those truths hover around us, instill guilt and, often, to cover the guilt, make us feel resentful. What they often don’t do, is to get us to “pull the trigger”, and act on the truths that we carry. What we’re left with is the worst of both worlds, an uneasiness in our souls that we can’t put to rest.
Let’s imagine that someone is 100 pounds overweight. He knows that he should lose weight. He knows that his brother, who’s five years older, and slightly less overweight, just began struggling with high blood pressure and diabetes. Nevertheless, the younger brother doesn’t change his lifestyle. Such a scenario will create a lot of noise in his head: 1) The fear of illness and death; 2) The guilt of living unhealthily and; 3) The guilt about not fulfilling his responsibility to his family. On the other hand there are opposing “noises” in his head: 4) The laziness to change; 5) The love of food; 6) The denial that he’ll get ill; and 7) The constant lie of, “I’ll start tomorrow”.
If you can truly say to yourself that, ”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it’ s the right way to live.”, then you have conflicting noises in your head. You must remove the clutter from your head. You have to figure out which noises are real, and which ones are acting to remove your guilt, without changing your behavior. In your personal life you may be thinking: 1) I want greatness; 2) I want to do what’s morally right; and 3) How can I raise my children without a confused lifestyle? You may also have conflicting thoughts: 4) You ask yourself, Does religion really matter? 5) Is it financially irresponsible to compromise on the quality of my life for something I wasn’t brought up doing?
Keep in mind that embracing this truth doesn’t mean a total lifestyle change. It means a commitment to begin gravitating towards a more religious lifestyle, despite its challenges and sacrifices. How “far” you go, and at what speed you travel, doesn’t have to be determined, or even discussed, at this point.
Embracing the truth means a commitment on your part. Every time you’re bombarded with one of those five thoughts, you’ll have to decide which are “real”, and deflect those that aren’t. Always remind yourself that you’ve previously decided that, ”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live.”
I really should stop and wait for a response. However, unless your response takes us into another direction, my next e-mail will begin to discuss the first step. Allow me a little more time to think about what your first step should be. That step must contain the following conditions:
1) Whatever you undertake must have meaning for you. Does putting on Tefillin, saying Shema, sitting down to a nice Shabbos meal, or committing to undertake daily acts of kindness have meaning for you? Since you’re married, you have to be confident that your choice also has meaning to the rest of your family. You must be certain that it won’t frustrate them, or even make them think that you’ve lost your mind. Hopefully, your family will join your commitment to undertake a Torah lifestyle, but if not, they may at least share your commitment for one of those individual acts mentioned above.
2) Your choice must be sustainable. Can you see yourself putting on Tefillin every day, in a month from now? How about a year from now? If not, choose something else. You can always put on Tefillin, but it shouldn’t be seen as an act that defines success or failure. It’s a side action you’re doing because it’s important to you. Keep in mind that your first undertaking is important, because it represents the beginning of a new momentum. The right choice will “carry” you on your journey. The wrong one will set you back.
3) Choose something that’s easy. Going back to the suggestion of Tefillin, are your mornings rushed? Will putting on Tefillin take too much time? Choose something that won’t affect your schedule, commitments, time, or anything else.
4) One you’ve found the perfect starting point, don’t do anything about it. First, let’s understand it. Why did Hashem tell us to do it? In what way will it enhance our lives? There has to be real meaning in Mitzvohs. Let’s search for what these are. Before beginning any Mitzvoh, we have to ask ourselves if we’re prepared for any ripple effect that may result from doing a mitzvoh properly?
One of the challenges of doing any Mitzvoh properly (sadly, it’s uncommon for Mitzvohs to be done properly), is that it confirms to us that we care. Once we’re confronted with the reality that we care, the guilt of not acting with the same passion that we’ve acknowledged will “kick in”, followed by accelerated efforts to become perfect. This is frequently followed by resentment, and the conflicting noises begin to rise in volume, until our survival reaction “tells” us to drop everything. Let’s do this methodically enough to avoid this cycle. Let’s also learn the skills necessary to respond to it, in the event we can’t avoid it. We have to find something meaningful, but not something which will accelerate the process to a point with which we’re not comfortable.
I’m sorry for writing so much in one sitting. Take your time, and let me know if you want to talk on the phone. I’m still working on a letter to your children. Please be patient but remind me.
I became observant through a kind Rabbi who demonstrated a good life with his wife and children, letting me into their home virtually every Friday night for nearly a year. It was a warm experience, and I wanted to explore religion, I worked very hard on my resentments and my fears. I changed my life style pretty dramatically, learned with a great Rabbi weekly for nearly 2.5 years. I experienced the disillusionment of the humanity of religion, people being in it and the contradictions involved.
As I have grown and explored my motivations and core beliefs I want to be honest, I have really never liked nor believed in religion. However, what I learned, experienced as an observant Jew changed my world-view for the better. The wisdom of Torah I can not deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live. I am willing to learn again, to explore, knowing I am coming from a different place; I don't want my views to determine our children's view of Torah.
I am open to exploring with your guidance.
Warmly,
As always, it was nice to see you and your wonderful family. You should consider yourself blessed (even if life is difficult in other areas of your life). I’m sorry but, as I write this, I find myself thinking of one necessary introduction to our e-mails, than another, until I realize, my email is going to take a lot of pages before I can directly respond to the conversation we had during my visit. I hope you’re willing to come along for the “whole ride”. Let me know when you feel overwhelmed, and if that happens, we can slow down, take a break, or discontinue our conversations, but stay friends.
First, I want to point out that many people go through what you’re going through. There’s no difference in the experience of, for example, a 12 year old boy who sneaks behind the family shed and smokes his first cigarette, and a 12 year old who smokes something worse. While the latter may be placing himself into greater risk than the first, they’re both acting out of peer pressure, curiosity and, usually, a tinge of rebellion.
The differences between you and even the most right wing people that you know, are only in degrees. For both of you they’re the results of confusion, personal experiences, feeling suffocated and, of course, a little rebellion. While most people won’t admit to sharing your concerns, lack of motivation, or conflict, they’re the result of your youthful experiences, and/or having legitimate questions that you were never “allowed” to ask. You’re traveling a road that many people need to travel, but few are willing to travel. I’m, therefore, asking you to travel along this road with pride, and not with shame.
First, let’s “figure out” what is our mission, or goal, and then we’ll determine the rules for achieving it. Although our goal comes first, there’s one rule that’s required to help us achieve our goal.We have to be honest with ourselves, or we’ll never succeed, and/or wrongly conclude that there isn’t any value in living a Torah lifestyle. A lack of honesty will stall the process, and lead to a disappointing outcome.
Most people, including you, made believe that they truly believed whatever they were told to believe. They gravitated to the “right” answers, parroted them to others, and assumed that they believed them with all of their hearts. They ignored the fact that they often acted contrary to those beliefs, and that they never placed enough thought into whether, or not, they truly believed. As we search for real meaning in our lives, but continue along a path of superficial beliefs, we’ll have gained nothing, other than having another failure, “proving” that there’s no such thing as real meaning, and inherent truths, such as those advocated in the Torah.
Our goal is to find out what we really believe, and hope that our belief system will support a healthy lifestyle for you, your wife, and your children. You’ve been exploring the possibility that this lifestyle can be found in a true Torah lifestyle. (Based on your e-mail you have to decide whether that’s your mission, and if it’s not, what it should be.) Don’t mindlessly accept what I’m saying to you. Instead, consider, conclude, and then articulate it to yourself, and see how it sounds to you. Only then will you be able to move to the next step.
Here are some rules to help us achieve our goal, and to decrease your resistance to adopting a Torah lifestyle. If we don’t decrease your resistance, whatever we achieve won’t be sustainable, and you won’t become a part of a Torah lifestyle. Keep in mind that resistance is natural. Every step that we’ll take will offer clarity, but clarity will increase the realization of responsibility. Awareness of responsibility will increase resistance, because many things that people are asked to do make them uncomfortable, because people don’t like being told what to do.
Since there’s a risk that resistance will sabotage our goals, I’m suggesting that our first stages of progress should be taken in a “vacuum”, and be limited to an intellectual, and not a behavioral, voyage. When people are asked to make behavioral changes, the burden, frequently, makes it difficult for them to stay intellectually honest.
I’m also suggesting that we explore areas of the Torah that are simple, and not complex, and that are consistent with our personal natures. Many people want to feel like heroes, and deal with the issues that have frustrated them the most. Instead, let’s build slowly and, once the overall clarity of why we should live a Torah lifestyle has “sunk” in, we’ll confront our more difficult issues.
What do you suggest should be our starting point? I’d like to know if you have any thoughts about it. If not, I’ll suggest some more thoughts. For example, we can make our goal the shattering of some of the preconceived attitudes blocking us from giving religion, G-d, and the Torah, a fair chance.
Before I explain the process people should take to gravitate towards a Torah based lifestyle I want to remove some of the commonly seen points of resistance. You mentioned one of them, and I’d like to dedicate some time to it. People won’t increase their appreciation for a Torah lifestyle if they feel it’s faulty. You wrote: “I experienced the disillusionment of the humanity of religion, people being in it, and the contradictions involved.”
Although, the Rabbi’s may not have done anything wrong, nevertheless, people have built them up into being more than human. One student of mine was surprised that I ate finger food with my fingers. I stopped doing it in public, not because it’s wrong, but because people have an exaggerated, and sometimes such an exaggerated view that it distorts the reality, and expectation, of Rabbis. From my perspective, I find it unfair not to allow me to be human, although I accept it graciously, (most of the time).
Sometimes, a Rabbi may do something inappropriate. What needs to be determined is whether a fault of a follower (the Rabbi) represents a fault in the system (Hashem and his Torah). People must ask themselves, why they become disillusioned with an entire system because a part of the system is faulty. A broad condemnation by people is self-serving, and they believe that it releases them from their religious responsibilities towards Hashem. People accept or, at least, don’t reject, democracy despite its flaws. They shake their head at the individual, and find someone else in whom to believe.
We also need to ask ourselves whether the fault found in this follower (Rabbi) deserves his complete condemnation. The fault may have been a classical human error, a common typical act, except that it was done by a Rabbi. When this happens, they’re often judged too harshly. Does his positive character outweigh his negatives? Did the behavior show evil intent, or was it an oversight, something that’s easy to forgive? A common consideration should be whether the Rabbi, who may have shown a lack of character, would have demonstrated even less character without his Torah background. I know many community leaders with faults. However, I clearly see how the Torah has improved them, even if it hasn’t (yet) made them perfect people.
At other times the resentment against those who are supposed to represent Torah may be the result of people who may feel slighted. Was the Rabbi right in what he did? While the hurt feeling may be natural, it may blind people from being objective? Did he attempt to apologize, even if it was only indirectly?
I think that a part of the issue is that people see the Torah as rigid, and not fluid; and its followers as an institution, and not as individuals. Thinking this way won’t allow people to be practical. The Torah has Halochos, laws. Many laws are based on ideal situations, but some are for less than ideal situations. This doesn’t mean that the Torah is “changing its mind”. These adjustments are based on Halachic guidelines. Rabbinical laws are, in many cases, even more flexible. Nevertheless, they shouldn’t be seen as “the Rabbis say/do what they want”. They’re also based on Halachic guidelines.
The followers of the Torah are people, and not institutions. They’re also human. They have to carpool like the rest of us. They become impatient when they’re tired, and may have wives who complain that they spend too much time with people who won’t listen to them, and aren’t appreciative. These examples, and others, will take a toll on people whom we respect. Sometimes, the people who are critical are the same ones who don’t listen to their advice and don’t appreciate their Rabbi. When people see them as institutions, with rigid expectations, they remove their right to demonstrate human imperfection. Seeing them as people will allow for empathy, and sensitivity, on the part of their students/congregants.
If you allow me to ramble and continue speaking of my peers, I find it interesting that many of them voice the complaints that those in need call them when they have problems, but never call them back when the advice they were given was helpful. The Rabbi is left wondering, and worried, about what happened. Although the Rabbis see themselves as people, those who ask for help, see them as institutions.
While I know that the Torah is perfect, people shouldn’t conclude that its followers are also perfect. I’ve grappled with some Rabbis who didn’t keep their words. I recognize that we’re all human and, instead of being critical, I’ll take a deep breath and move on, without drawing broad conclusions. I do this because I’m afraid that too many people will find out that I’m also only human.
It’s important to understand why our view of Rabbis is an unfair interpretation of our attitude towards a Torah lifestyle. Most people like, or dislike, something for the most peripheral, or biased, reasons. I remember buying my first car because it had a light between the two side doors. In the 80’s that was cool. Nevertheless, that’s not a legitimate reason to buy a car. People may immediately take a liking, or disliking, to someone because of the town from which they came. Does that make any sense?
Our experiences show that genuine reasons aren’t always valid ones. We can give up on something important for a reason which may be legitimate, but isn’t significant enough to change our attitude or behavior. For example, realizing that an employer isn’t as nice as you thought, is a legitimate reason to change your opinion of the employer and the job, but it doesn’t necessarily make it a legitimate reason to quit that job. Finding out that a Rabbi may have less then sterling character, and failed your expectations, may be a real conclusion, but it isn’t a valid explanation for rejecting a Torah lifestyle.
I’m attaching a very long essay that I recently wrote. In it, I touch on how our misconceptions can create attitudes, which cause us to not take advantage of some potentially life altering opportunities.
With your permission I’d like to continue writing about why people should consider living a Torah lifestyle, even before I hear your response to the previous discussion of Rabbis, and what are fair expectations from them. Please don’t gloss over that topic because I’ve “moved” onto the next one.
You also mentioned in your e-mail that, ”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live.” Many people are satisfied because their beliefs are consistent with those of the Torah’s, unaware that when attitude, isn’t followed by behavior, the proper attitudes will be cause for criticism, and not praise.
”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live.” is a powerful statement. Throughout our lives we carry truths on which we don’t act. Those truths hover around us, instill guilt and, often, to cover the guilt, make us feel resentful. What they often don’t do, is to get us to “pull the trigger”, and act on the truths that we carry. What we’re left with is the worst of both worlds, an uneasiness in our souls that we can’t put to rest.
Let’s imagine that someone is 100 pounds overweight. He knows that he should lose weight. He knows that his brother, who’s five years older, and slightly less overweight, just began struggling with high blood pressure and diabetes. Nevertheless, the younger brother doesn’t change his lifestyle. Such a scenario will create a lot of noise in his head: 1) The fear of illness and death; 2) The guilt of living unhealthily and; 3) The guilt about not fulfilling his responsibility to his family. On the other hand there are opposing “noises” in his head: 4) The laziness to change; 5) The love of food; 6) The denial that he’ll get ill; and 7) The constant lie of, “I’ll start tomorrow”.
If you can truly say to yourself that, ”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it’ s the right way to live.”, then you have conflicting noises in your head. You must remove the clutter from your head. You have to figure out which noises are real, and which ones are acting to remove your guilt, without changing your behavior. In your personal life you may be thinking: 1) I want greatness; 2) I want to do what’s morally right; and 3) How can I raise my children without a confused lifestyle? You may also have conflicting thoughts: 4) You ask yourself, Does religion really matter? 5) Is it financially irresponsible to compromise on the quality of my life for something I wasn’t brought up doing?
Keep in mind that embracing this truth doesn’t mean a total lifestyle change. It means a commitment to begin gravitating towards a more religious lifestyle, despite its challenges and sacrifices. How “far” you go, and at what speed you travel, doesn’t have to be determined, or even discussed, at this point.
Embracing the truth means a commitment on your part. Every time you’re bombarded with one of those five thoughts, you’ll have to decide which are “real”, and deflect those that aren’t. Always remind yourself that you’ve previously decided that, ”The wisdom of Torah I cannot deny, I know in my heart it is the right way to live.”
I really should stop and wait for a response. However, unless your response takes us into another direction, my next e-mail will begin to discuss the first step. Allow me a little more time to think about what your first step should be. That step must contain the following conditions:
1) Whatever you undertake must have meaning for you. Does putting on Tefillin, saying Shema, sitting down to a nice Shabbos meal, or committing to undertake daily acts of kindness have meaning for you? Since you’re married, you have to be confident that your choice also has meaning to the rest of your family. You must be certain that it won’t frustrate them, or even make them think that you’ve lost your mind. Hopefully, your family will join your commitment to undertake a Torah lifestyle, but if not, they may at least share your commitment for one of those individual acts mentioned above.
2) Your choice must be sustainable. Can you see yourself putting on Tefillin every day, in a month from now? How about a year from now? If not, choose something else. You can always put on Tefillin, but it shouldn’t be seen as an act that defines success or failure. It’s a side action you’re doing because it’s important to you. Keep in mind that your first undertaking is important, because it represents the beginning of a new momentum. The right choice will “carry” you on your journey. The wrong one will set you back.
3) Choose something that’s easy. Going back to the suggestion of Tefillin, are your mornings rushed? Will putting on Tefillin take too much time? Choose something that won’t affect your schedule, commitments, time, or anything else.
4) One you’ve found the perfect starting point, don’t do anything about it. First, let’s understand it. Why did Hashem tell us to do it? In what way will it enhance our lives? There has to be real meaning in Mitzvohs. Let’s search for what these are. Before beginning any Mitzvoh, we have to ask ourselves if we’re prepared for any ripple effect that may result from doing a mitzvoh properly?
One of the challenges of doing any Mitzvoh properly (sadly, it’s uncommon for Mitzvohs to be done properly), is that it confirms to us that we care. Once we’re confronted with the reality that we care, the guilt of not acting with the same passion that we’ve acknowledged will “kick in”, followed by accelerated efforts to become perfect. This is frequently followed by resentment, and the conflicting noises begin to rise in volume, until our survival reaction “tells” us to drop everything. Let’s do this methodically enough to avoid this cycle. Let’s also learn the skills necessary to respond to it, in the event we can’t avoid it. We have to find something meaningful, but not something which will accelerate the process to a point with which we’re not comfortable.
I’m sorry for writing so much in one sitting. Take your time, and let me know if you want to talk on the phone. I’m still working on a letter to your children. Please be patient but remind me.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
If you enjoyed this article or benefitted from it please consider making a donation to Areivim
© AREIVIM ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Reprinting this article for commercial use without the express consent of Areivim is strictly prohibited. To request permission please contact the Areivim office at 845 371 2760 or info@areivim.com.
comments, questions & responses from our readers
The content of these comments are strictly the opinion of our readers & do not necessarily reflect the views of Areivim.