Seeing Things As They Are, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
People are often unsure of whether to speak “straight” to others, or tell them what they want to hear. For instance, parents are generally uncertain of whether to give their children the most important reasons for doing Mitzvohs (because Hashem wants them to), or to sugarcoat the Mitzvohs, describing true, but less important, reasons. For example, “dressing with Tzinius will make people proud of you, and you’ll feel good about yourself”. This question isn’t limited to parents. Most people won’t listen to the “real” reasons and, therefore, people won’t tell them the real reasons, preferring to see the issues, and life, as being neat, simple, and guilt free.
I usually suggest that people not insist on telling things to others straight, except in Chinuch situations. Instead, people should “let go” when others insist on seeing life neater, simpler, and more guilt free, than it really is. Even in many Chinuch situations it’s often advisable that parents focus on their children’s actions, and delay explaining the Mitzvohs until they mature. This same challenge, of whether to explain the issue at hand based on the real reason, or the sugarcoated one, also applies to situations with spouses, parents, and friends. If people can afford to wait before explaining the real reasons for specific issues (meaning, it won’t have a negative impact on anyone’s life), they should wait.
However, in some circumstances, allowing people to see the world more simply than it really is, can be very damaging. In these cases people should be “awakened” from the belief that life is always simple, and see the world as it really is, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
The world of “marketing” is a great example. Businesses don’t always describe their products accurately, and may leave out their most significant strengths. Instead, they describe what people want to hear, and what will make them feel good about themselves. Businesses have no desire to be honest; they’re only interested in selling their products. In the next few paragraphs I’d like to describe Areivim’s services in a manner that won’t fit into people’s neat, simple, and guilt free, version, of life and community.
Many people in our community are excited about people who “work the street”. This means meeting teenagers in their own territory, such as in pizza stores, and the 7-11’s of the world. They want teen organizations to “get out there”, hang out at 7-11, and other popular places, and mingle with wayward teenagers every moment of the day. Although, hanging out with teenagers is very important, and Areivim does a significant amount of it, it’s not the most important task.
People interested in “outreach” should place its importance into perspective. It’s important to do outreach in order to become friendly with a teenager, because that’ll allow a person to become the teen’s mentor, role model and, will eventually, advise him how best to live his life. Many people stop at the mentor stage (just hanging out), and don’t consider it important to become the teen’s role model (someone who the teen, will emulate on his own), and finally become his advisor when you directly instill Torah, and other life values and skills, and create an emotionally healthy, adult, spouse, and parent.
How much energy should be dedicated to outreach? I believe it should be 25%. The rest of the organization’s resources should be dedicated to helping those teens become emotionally healthy adults, spouses, and parents. As with much of what people do throughout their lives, the “fun stuff” (hanging out with teenagers and just enjoying themselves) is only a small part of their day. The remaining part of the day is the tedious, detailed, unacknowledged, hard work.
In addition to doing more than just hanging out with teenagers, there’s a second aspect of mentoring which usually isn’t discussed in public forums. I often speak to parents who ask me to “set the boy straight”. They explain to me that their son’s a sweet boy, who only needs a lot of structure. They assure me that he’ll flourish with structure. Within a few days it becomes clear that the teen has at least one serious diagnosis, isn’t religious, and lacks basic social skills. Why do many parents insist on downplaying their children’s situations? I assume it’s to avoid guilt feelings, and allow them to believe the problem can be quickly solved by taking short cuts. Acknowledging the severity of a situation would make their lives too uncomfortable, and expensive, for them to accept.
Instead, they paint a picture, and insist that anyone who “works” with their teenager accept the picture. If their simplistic view is challenged, the challenger is excluded from their “circle”, and the parents look for someone else who’ll “buy” into their view of the problem. Sadly, in many cases, they continue to find new people, until their son explodes, and the issues can’t be denied.
In many communities the same things happen. People, neighborhoods, and some schools, still embrace the attitude of “this doesn’t happen here”. While that attitude is becoming increasingly less common, people still have a tendency to downplay what needs to be done.
Areivim has made several changes in its approach to protect against the deterioration of our generation of teenagers. We’ve done it because most Rabbonim, and possibly all mental health professionals, believe that taking teenagers for pizza isn’t enough anymore, despite well-meaning people insisting that it is. Mentoring teenagers a few times a week is also not enough to make teens at risk healthy enough to grow into responsible adults. Pizza and “hanging out” are important, but they must be followed with consistent exposure to healthy lifestyles.
To acknowledge the severe risks, illnesses, and counterproductive beliefs, facing our teenagers (and young, and not so young, adults), requires people to leave their neat view of mentoring, and realize that the “fun stuff” is only a small part of what’s required to create internalized, long term, change. Otherwise, they’ll oversimplify what needs to be done to help today’s teenagers, and future generations will continue to progressively deteriorate.
If parents won’t downplay risk, whether it’s general risk, which is common to all teens within their age, culture, and gender, or individual risk, which is the result of the individuals personality, friends, and previous experiences, maybe they’ll agree to the following examples:
1) All families should filter their children’s phones, even those of their “good” children.
2) Parents shouldn’t allow their teenagers to stay home alone for Shabbos, regardless of how good they are.
3) Parents must reconsider whether placing their teenagers in the “best” Yeshiva is what’s best for that, individual, child.
4) Parents of difficult children should acknowledge the possibility that their children may need more than just mentoring.
5) Children may need therapists, medications, or other intense intervention.
When parents finally realize this, they’ll realize how much they need Areivim.
Finally, please, remember that our children are precious. They deserve honesty from their parents, Rabbeim, and community; and they should do whatever they can for them, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
Areivim prides itself on sensing what the community needs before many others. I believe that the message of this article, that teenagers need a more involved form of mentoring in order to create emotionally healthy adults, will be mainstream thought in several years. Help Areivim today so that tomorrow will be even better.
I usually suggest that people not insist on telling things to others straight, except in Chinuch situations. Instead, people should “let go” when others insist on seeing life neater, simpler, and more guilt free, than it really is. Even in many Chinuch situations it’s often advisable that parents focus on their children’s actions, and delay explaining the Mitzvohs until they mature. This same challenge, of whether to explain the issue at hand based on the real reason, or the sugarcoated one, also applies to situations with spouses, parents, and friends. If people can afford to wait before explaining the real reasons for specific issues (meaning, it won’t have a negative impact on anyone’s life), they should wait.
However, in some circumstances, allowing people to see the world more simply than it really is, can be very damaging. In these cases people should be “awakened” from the belief that life is always simple, and see the world as it really is, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
The world of “marketing” is a great example. Businesses don’t always describe their products accurately, and may leave out their most significant strengths. Instead, they describe what people want to hear, and what will make them feel good about themselves. Businesses have no desire to be honest; they’re only interested in selling their products. In the next few paragraphs I’d like to describe Areivim’s services in a manner that won’t fit into people’s neat, simple, and guilt free, version, of life and community.
Many people in our community are excited about people who “work the street”. This means meeting teenagers in their own territory, such as in pizza stores, and the 7-11’s of the world. They want teen organizations to “get out there”, hang out at 7-11, and other popular places, and mingle with wayward teenagers every moment of the day. Although, hanging out with teenagers is very important, and Areivim does a significant amount of it, it’s not the most important task.
People interested in “outreach” should place its importance into perspective. It’s important to do outreach in order to become friendly with a teenager, because that’ll allow a person to become the teen’s mentor, role model and, will eventually, advise him how best to live his life. Many people stop at the mentor stage (just hanging out), and don’t consider it important to become the teen’s role model (someone who the teen, will emulate on his own), and finally become his advisor when you directly instill Torah, and other life values and skills, and create an emotionally healthy, adult, spouse, and parent.
How much energy should be dedicated to outreach? I believe it should be 25%. The rest of the organization’s resources should be dedicated to helping those teens become emotionally healthy adults, spouses, and parents. As with much of what people do throughout their lives, the “fun stuff” (hanging out with teenagers and just enjoying themselves) is only a small part of their day. The remaining part of the day is the tedious, detailed, unacknowledged, hard work.
In addition to doing more than just hanging out with teenagers, there’s a second aspect of mentoring which usually isn’t discussed in public forums. I often speak to parents who ask me to “set the boy straight”. They explain to me that their son’s a sweet boy, who only needs a lot of structure. They assure me that he’ll flourish with structure. Within a few days it becomes clear that the teen has at least one serious diagnosis, isn’t religious, and lacks basic social skills. Why do many parents insist on downplaying their children’s situations? I assume it’s to avoid guilt feelings, and allow them to believe the problem can be quickly solved by taking short cuts. Acknowledging the severity of a situation would make their lives too uncomfortable, and expensive, for them to accept.
Instead, they paint a picture, and insist that anyone who “works” with their teenager accept the picture. If their simplistic view is challenged, the challenger is excluded from their “circle”, and the parents look for someone else who’ll “buy” into their view of the problem. Sadly, in many cases, they continue to find new people, until their son explodes, and the issues can’t be denied.
In many communities the same things happen. People, neighborhoods, and some schools, still embrace the attitude of “this doesn’t happen here”. While that attitude is becoming increasingly less common, people still have a tendency to downplay what needs to be done.
Areivim has made several changes in its approach to protect against the deterioration of our generation of teenagers. We’ve done it because most Rabbonim, and possibly all mental health professionals, believe that taking teenagers for pizza isn’t enough anymore, despite well-meaning people insisting that it is. Mentoring teenagers a few times a week is also not enough to make teens at risk healthy enough to grow into responsible adults. Pizza and “hanging out” are important, but they must be followed with consistent exposure to healthy lifestyles.
To acknowledge the severe risks, illnesses, and counterproductive beliefs, facing our teenagers (and young, and not so young, adults), requires people to leave their neat view of mentoring, and realize that the “fun stuff” is only a small part of what’s required to create internalized, long term, change. Otherwise, they’ll oversimplify what needs to be done to help today’s teenagers, and future generations will continue to progressively deteriorate.
If parents won’t downplay risk, whether it’s general risk, which is common to all teens within their age, culture, and gender, or individual risk, which is the result of the individuals personality, friends, and previous experiences, maybe they’ll agree to the following examples:
1) All families should filter their children’s phones, even those of their “good” children.
2) Parents shouldn’t allow their teenagers to stay home alone for Shabbos, regardless of how good they are.
3) Parents must reconsider whether placing their teenagers in the “best” Yeshiva is what’s best for that, individual, child.
4) Parents of difficult children should acknowledge the possibility that their children may need more than just mentoring.
5) Children may need therapists, medications, or other intense intervention.
When parents finally realize this, they’ll realize how much they need Areivim.
Finally, please, remember that our children are precious. They deserve honesty from their parents, Rabbeim, and community; and they should do whatever they can for them, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
Areivim prides itself on sensing what the community needs before many others. I believe that the message of this article, that teenagers need a more involved form of mentoring in order to create emotionally healthy adults, will be mainstream thought in several years. Help Areivim today so that tomorrow will be even better.
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