Running An (Almost) Functional Home, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
In the course of my work, I'm exposed to many types of families, most of whom fall into two types, the effective and ineffective ones. However, there's also a third type, those who appear effective now, but years later will prove to be ineffective. It is this third type that will be the subject of the next few articles. Although these articles will be written in the plural, referring to families. nevertheless, the message also applies to individuals.
Many families consider their outward appearances as very important, and that's the way it should be. There's no doubt that people should act differently in public from how they act in private. My mother, in one of her cynical moments, described the normal family as, "a family that can appear normal in public". The gist of her comment was that all individuals and families have quirks. It's those families who can't control those quirks, that step beyond what's considered normal, who're considered less than normal.
At what point does a family sacrifice too much to maintain a wholesome public appearance? I believe that there are two conditions that will allow this:
The first condition is that the parents make certain that everything they're doing to preserve the family image, will also help, or at least not hurt, their children. If this is not the case, then the parents should take whatever steps are necessary to help their children improve to the best of their abilities, even if the issues that require improvement (such as needing a tutor, or dealing with an eating disorder), will cause those issues to become public. This is their responsibility to their children. Insisting that they appear emotionally healthy in public, at the cost of holding back opportunities that would make them into healthier children is wrong, and something that they will regret later.
The second condition is that they're aware that their family is a "work in progress". (I've written previously about being honest with oneself. If you're interested in this topic, please call the office and we'll send those related articles to you.) If the parents believe that everything is okay when in reality it isn't, one of two common problems will follow:
a)The children may become engrained with worrying about appearances, become superficial, never learn about healthy relationships, or how to cultivate their personal thoughts, likes, and dislikes. It'll always be about what other people will think.
b)The children realize that their parents approach is wrong and they become very resentful, and angry, at their parents and with any siblings that agree with their parents' approach. The parents, unaware of the source of the anger, respond by treating their children as if they're mentally ill.
Parents must be aware that when problems are submerged, those same problems, or other new ones, will eventually surface. Sadly, until they surface, which may not happen for many years, submerging the issues may appear to "work". The house may run smoothly for years. The children may be well behaved, the delight of their teachers and grandparents, and everyone may appear to be happy. Everything about the parents approach seems to confirm that submerging the issues was the right approach. The parents believe that they're running the house efficiently, teaching the children with a hands on approach and, in general, are cultivating a better than average family.
As the children get older, cracks begin to become visible. Some children aren't happy, others begin to act with Chutzpah, and still others begin to compromise the families' religious standards. Some children will require different schools, others outpatient therapy, and still others inpatient facilities.
In most cases the parents haven't learned the lessons that they should have. If multiple problems are taking place, and with multiple children, there may be a common cause. Deviations from the family norms that repeat themselves, are a sign that it isn't "by chance". If there's a common cause within the family, it's probably the parents who're the most likely cause. They have the greatest input and affect on their children, more than any siblings, Rabbeim and friends. To conclude differently would require long discussions with experienced Mechanchim who're very familiar with the family dynamics.
Many parents continue to be unaware that it's their approach that's flawed. Since the children's issues vary and seem unrelated ("What does our children's desire to listen to non Jewish music have to do with anything that we did?"), parents draw one of two conclusions:
a)"We need to repeat everything we've done in the past but do it even more intensely". This conclusion will intensify the problem with the remaining children.
b)"It's the children that are the problem." They're sick, angry, or any other attribute to explain their behavior in a manner that disassociates it from the parents' approach. Since the parents need to keep their personal images intact, they convince themselves that they're the ones who're good, and it's their children who aren't.
There's another point worthy of mention. Many of these parents lack self esteem. (I've also written articles on this subject.) Worrying about what people may think of you is healthy, up to a point. Past that point it's self serving. In many cases, the parents who insist that everyone must believe that their family is healthy, also insist that their children believe that the parents are perfect.
Perfect is a "tricky" word. Most parents will admit to making errors, but never on this topic. They'll say, "Yes, we make mistakes, but in this case we're definitely right".
I apologize for painting such a bleak picture. However, this issue, which is more common than many people believe, is very damaging. Although most families don't demonstrate the symptoms as strongly as I'm describing, many of them do. There's an even greater number of families that, to varying degrees, have to improve the balance between their individual and public appearance needs.
In the coming weeks I'll describe additional, intangible, problems created by parents who focus on the family and not on individual children. I'll also suggest solutions to help such families repair the years of damage caused by such attitudes.
Last week's article introduced some of the problems that are created when parents are overly concerned with their public images. This week I'll describe some additional problems.
Most parents that are more concerned with their public image than with their children, will deny having such an attitude. They'll admit that they're worried about how their children dress in public, but will hide family faults in order to have better Shidduch opportunities. They're very concerned with what the neighbors are saying about them, but believe that their concern for a good public image is an isolated trait, not one that defines their attitudes. They'll also explain how their concern with a good public image is for the betterment of their family. By denying this attitude, and claiming that they have their children's best interests in mind, they justify their approach towards public opinion and ignore their children's protests.
The problem is that the parents also claim to share their children's goals. When the children are young, they believe their parents. However, as they get older, situations arise. They may prefer to go to a very close friend's Simcha instead of a family one; the parents insist on choosing the children's clothing, or the parents may control their children's choice of camps, schools, and friends, based on which ones are more popular or more "mainstream". There are many other examples and, in most cases, multiple ones that take place over the years.
If the parents and children have different goals, they'll make different choices. Some children will accept their parents' choices, although intuitively they realize that those choices don't reflect what's best for them.
Some children become angry. Instead of realizing that their parents are not perfect (and maybe very far from perfect), they "shut down". They act without thinking. They do what they want, regardless of how damaging it may be for them. They often become the opposite of their parents, purposely ruining both their own and their parents' reputations within the community, as a subconscious, or maybe conscious, way of "getting back" at their parents.
Other children become resentful and, after a while, have an epiphany. Their parents don't care about them as much as they thought their parents did. Instead, they realize that their parents care more about what people think about them and their reputations. When that happens, the children are crushed.
Children are supposed to grow in a noncomplex environment. They're supposed to believe that life is fair, people are good, and that their parents love them more than anything else. This epiphany shatters all those beliefs. The disillusionment is too much for them to handle. What makes this worse is that most children don't have the emotional strength to confront their parents by telling them what they just realized. Instead, they argue with them about specific circumstances, causing their parents to believe that they're just spoiled and/or rebellious. The children scream for certain types of clothing, or camps, and, realizing that their parents have a different set of priorities, begin to resent their parents.
The parents are unaware of their children's thoughts. Instead they see rebellious children. Without any outside intervention, it will be almost impossible to explain to the parents how to improve their children's behavior. The children get therapy, but it can't help them, since the core issues aren't brought to the surface. In many cases, these parents don't even have a Rebbi with whom to discuss the issues. Even if the children become aware of what the core issues are, their parents will not change their approach. They have no way out, begin to believe that life isn't fair, and that there's no hope for them ever to be happy.
The three most damaging aspects for parents who care more about their public image than their children are:
1) People with poor self images often have a rigid view of right and wrong, because they strongly believe in what they do. They don't tolerate deviations by anyone, not even their spouses or children. If their views are not followed, it will confirm their worst fears, that they're not good people. Needless to say, this causes an immense amount of stress.
Stress is a killer. I'm not referring to it in the medical sense, but in its effect on the family unit. Stress is intangible and is denied by many people. ("I'm not stressed, it's because you're being terrible to me.") Stress destroys Sholom Bayis (marital harmony), relationships between parents and children, and may even destroy the children. Parents unwilling to accept blame, deny contributing to their children's shortcomings.
2) Children raised in homes that emphasize positive public images generally have rules that don't serve them. Since the children believe that their parents are more concerned with themselves than with anything else, they see a distorted view of how to succeed in life. They're constantly attempting to achieve "a" (their personal well being), and believe that their parents are also trying to help them. However, when their parents offer a solution, which in reality is for "b" (public image), they believe "b" is supposed to achieve "a". The children follow their parents lead believing that solutions can come from ineffective approaches.
3) The children will not trust anyone. Their trust in their parents has been shattered, and since parents are expected to be the ones children can trust more than anyone, they won't trust anyone else.
This creates multiple problems when trying to repair this damage. The children are unable to believe that anyone cares about them. They don't have their parents on their side, and they refuse to replace them with any other advisor or friend. Their inability to trust people often extends itself beyond role models. They find it difficult to make friendships, as friendships are based on trust. They continue to lead lonely lives, void of any meaningful relationships. This often continues until they make an extreme move, such as running away or taking drugs. When this happens, the parents, who believed that their children were only unhappy, are forced to confront the reality that their children are in need of serious intervention.
In the next article, I'll discuss solutions to the problems mentions in these last two articles.
The previous two articles focused on the negative effects of homes in which emphasis was more on public opinion than on the individual children. I highlighted how those effects were subtle, went unnoticed for years, and how the parents contributions to the problems were usually denied by them. in this last article I'll suggest the steps necessary to improve the children's emotional health and their relationship with the parents.
Correcting past errors requires two separate goals:
a) Insuring that from now on the parents will focus on the individual children's well being.
b) The parents will take the steps necessary to heal the children from their previous errors.
Healing involves several steps:
1) The parents must accept their own contribution to the problems. As I mentioned earlier, the parents contribution is intangible however they can easily blame multiple tangible causes such as spouses, siblings, community and, of course, the children. (Spouses have used these articles to force their spouses to change, creating mental tug-of-war of who should learn the lesson)
As part of appreciating their contributions to the issues, the parents must realize that if their contributions were removed, the children would most probably be immensely more well adjusted, happy, and act consistent with the family image. Further, the parents must be willing to talk about their contribution without diverting the conversation to other causes, which, in reality, are only symptoms of the problems.
2) The parents must take step one and make a clear statement to each child that they, the parents, will act with their children's well being in mind. The goal is to earn the trust of each child. Parents must shatter their children's pre-conceived ideas of how their parents will think and act.
Before I mention the third step, I'd like to mention three related thoughts.
a) Parents must independently work on their self esteem and relationship skills in order to improve their parenting skills and their children's impressions of them. These are almost certainly underlying factors.
b) Parent's must explain to themselves why they, the parents are responsible to change for their own children. Isn't it true that it is the children who must respect and change for their parents? In addition, if we, the parents, begin changing for our children, won't this remove whatever respect still exists?
My answer is that parent's don't have to change their parenting approach. What I'm suggesting is the quickest, and possibly the only way, to help make their children emotionally healthy. With regard to stripping parents of any respect their children may have had for them, my answer is somewhat stark. If the children are manifesting difficult behaviors consistent with those mentioned in the first two articles, then, contrary to whatever the parents may think, they already don't have any respect for them.
In general, people respect those that acknowledge mistakes and character flaws, especially if they're significant ones. They certainly won't respect those who have glaring mistakes that everyone knows but are denied by the persons who manifest them flaws. In short, asking parents to admit to mistakes and change for their children's sake will almost certainly increase parental respect, not lesson it.
c) These ideas may seem drastic. (The third one may appear the most drastic). Why can't parents do it right from here on? Why do I require a "public" apology? The reason is that, in addition to changing their parenting approach, parents must also instill confidence and trust in them. After 10, 15, or 20 years of suffocating parenting this will not be easy. Making a quick comment and apology during breakfast will not satisfy their children. They'll think, "My parents are doing it again. Do they really expect ten years of mistreatment can end with 15 words? They don't mean it. " Although the children may be wrong and their parents may want to treat their children with greater respect, their children's reaction is understandable and will block any meaningful change on the part of the their parents.
3) The parents must focus on their relationship with, and respect, for their children. This doesn't mean that they must treat their children as equals. All individuals deserve to be treated with respect. Children have a right to make personal decisions and to be contributors in the decision making process in areas that involve them. Of equal importance are the small things, such as parents discussing their children when they are present, and even embarrass them in front of others. I've seen this done to children who are fifteen and older.
Parents must make necessary changes even at the cost of public opinion. They must be willing to disrupt the homes rhythm, such as the neatness or scheduling, even accepting their children's behavior (every family has their own standards of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior) that is normally not tolerated. The parents must once again become a positive factor in their children's lives. They won't succeed if they constantly tell them to clean up, be home on time, make us proud, and don't forget to....
A part of respected the individual children is giving greater disclosure between family members. In many families illnesses are not shared with siblings. (I was recently told about a child being in a hospital, but the parents didn't tell the siblings the reason for the admittance.) In general, the importance of privacy has reached paranoiac proportions. Why do so many people block their phone numbers when they call other people? How bad would it be for children to know what their parents do for a living?
4) Parents should allow their children to be exposed to other families. (Of course, they must be emotionally healthy families.) Many families try to keep their children "close to home". My advice is to let them go to friends for Shabbos, babysit and be allowed out of their home like other families. They must be exposed to other normal families. Part of a suffocating upbringing is lack of exposure to "normalcy". They're going to be missing relationship skills if, while growing up in their own home, they don't experience a caring home environment.
5) The parents must have a less rigid view of what is to be considered right and wrong. To do this they must, find a Rebbi or mentor from whom to ask advice. An important part of increasing self esteem is a willingness to ask for advice, and accept that other people may understand things better. This may be true even if "I've been a parent for 20 years and know what I am doing".
Following what I've suggested may be difficult for multiple reasons: a) I'm asking parents to act against years of behavior, which was based on their value system. b) Parents must accept these changes without stressing. Stress, as I wrote kills relationships I'm asking parents to be super human. They'll only have the energy to do it if they appreciate that their actions caused most of the issues and, more than anything else, want their children, married or unmarried, to be happy and healthy. c) be made more difficult by their children taking advantage of their newfound freedom and patience. I'm asking the parents to "open the door wide". The "door" may be religious issues, curfew issues or sleeping late issues. Parents must observe and smile. In addition, many of their older children, those who the parents may have believed, were on their side, will begin to explain how resentful they also feel. Since they're finally doing the right things, the parents will be flooded with complaints and resentment.
Parents must suffer through the most difficult few weeks, or months of their whole lives. Their reward will be that the following months and years will be their best. The Nachas they try to have others, those outside their home, believe that they have, will finally be theirs.
Many families consider their outward appearances as very important, and that's the way it should be. There's no doubt that people should act differently in public from how they act in private. My mother, in one of her cynical moments, described the normal family as, "a family that can appear normal in public". The gist of her comment was that all individuals and families have quirks. It's those families who can't control those quirks, that step beyond what's considered normal, who're considered less than normal.
At what point does a family sacrifice too much to maintain a wholesome public appearance? I believe that there are two conditions that will allow this:
The first condition is that the parents make certain that everything they're doing to preserve the family image, will also help, or at least not hurt, their children. If this is not the case, then the parents should take whatever steps are necessary to help their children improve to the best of their abilities, even if the issues that require improvement (such as needing a tutor, or dealing with an eating disorder), will cause those issues to become public. This is their responsibility to their children. Insisting that they appear emotionally healthy in public, at the cost of holding back opportunities that would make them into healthier children is wrong, and something that they will regret later.
The second condition is that they're aware that their family is a "work in progress". (I've written previously about being honest with oneself. If you're interested in this topic, please call the office and we'll send those related articles to you.) If the parents believe that everything is okay when in reality it isn't, one of two common problems will follow:
a)The children may become engrained with worrying about appearances, become superficial, never learn about healthy relationships, or how to cultivate their personal thoughts, likes, and dislikes. It'll always be about what other people will think.
b)The children realize that their parents approach is wrong and they become very resentful, and angry, at their parents and with any siblings that agree with their parents' approach. The parents, unaware of the source of the anger, respond by treating their children as if they're mentally ill.
Parents must be aware that when problems are submerged, those same problems, or other new ones, will eventually surface. Sadly, until they surface, which may not happen for many years, submerging the issues may appear to "work". The house may run smoothly for years. The children may be well behaved, the delight of their teachers and grandparents, and everyone may appear to be happy. Everything about the parents approach seems to confirm that submerging the issues was the right approach. The parents believe that they're running the house efficiently, teaching the children with a hands on approach and, in general, are cultivating a better than average family.
As the children get older, cracks begin to become visible. Some children aren't happy, others begin to act with Chutzpah, and still others begin to compromise the families' religious standards. Some children will require different schools, others outpatient therapy, and still others inpatient facilities.
In most cases the parents haven't learned the lessons that they should have. If multiple problems are taking place, and with multiple children, there may be a common cause. Deviations from the family norms that repeat themselves, are a sign that it isn't "by chance". If there's a common cause within the family, it's probably the parents who're the most likely cause. They have the greatest input and affect on their children, more than any siblings, Rabbeim and friends. To conclude differently would require long discussions with experienced Mechanchim who're very familiar with the family dynamics.
Many parents continue to be unaware that it's their approach that's flawed. Since the children's issues vary and seem unrelated ("What does our children's desire to listen to non Jewish music have to do with anything that we did?"), parents draw one of two conclusions:
a)"We need to repeat everything we've done in the past but do it even more intensely". This conclusion will intensify the problem with the remaining children.
b)"It's the children that are the problem." They're sick, angry, or any other attribute to explain their behavior in a manner that disassociates it from the parents' approach. Since the parents need to keep their personal images intact, they convince themselves that they're the ones who're good, and it's their children who aren't.
There's another point worthy of mention. Many of these parents lack self esteem. (I've also written articles on this subject.) Worrying about what people may think of you is healthy, up to a point. Past that point it's self serving. In many cases, the parents who insist that everyone must believe that their family is healthy, also insist that their children believe that the parents are perfect.
Perfect is a "tricky" word. Most parents will admit to making errors, but never on this topic. They'll say, "Yes, we make mistakes, but in this case we're definitely right".
I apologize for painting such a bleak picture. However, this issue, which is more common than many people believe, is very damaging. Although most families don't demonstrate the symptoms as strongly as I'm describing, many of them do. There's an even greater number of families that, to varying degrees, have to improve the balance between their individual and public appearance needs.
In the coming weeks I'll describe additional, intangible, problems created by parents who focus on the family and not on individual children. I'll also suggest solutions to help such families repair the years of damage caused by such attitudes.
Last week's article introduced some of the problems that are created when parents are overly concerned with their public images. This week I'll describe some additional problems.
Most parents that are more concerned with their public image than with their children, will deny having such an attitude. They'll admit that they're worried about how their children dress in public, but will hide family faults in order to have better Shidduch opportunities. They're very concerned with what the neighbors are saying about them, but believe that their concern for a good public image is an isolated trait, not one that defines their attitudes. They'll also explain how their concern with a good public image is for the betterment of their family. By denying this attitude, and claiming that they have their children's best interests in mind, they justify their approach towards public opinion and ignore their children's protests.
The problem is that the parents also claim to share their children's goals. When the children are young, they believe their parents. However, as they get older, situations arise. They may prefer to go to a very close friend's Simcha instead of a family one; the parents insist on choosing the children's clothing, or the parents may control their children's choice of camps, schools, and friends, based on which ones are more popular or more "mainstream". There are many other examples and, in most cases, multiple ones that take place over the years.
If the parents and children have different goals, they'll make different choices. Some children will accept their parents' choices, although intuitively they realize that those choices don't reflect what's best for them.
Some children become angry. Instead of realizing that their parents are not perfect (and maybe very far from perfect), they "shut down". They act without thinking. They do what they want, regardless of how damaging it may be for them. They often become the opposite of their parents, purposely ruining both their own and their parents' reputations within the community, as a subconscious, or maybe conscious, way of "getting back" at their parents.
Other children become resentful and, after a while, have an epiphany. Their parents don't care about them as much as they thought their parents did. Instead, they realize that their parents care more about what people think about them and their reputations. When that happens, the children are crushed.
Children are supposed to grow in a noncomplex environment. They're supposed to believe that life is fair, people are good, and that their parents love them more than anything else. This epiphany shatters all those beliefs. The disillusionment is too much for them to handle. What makes this worse is that most children don't have the emotional strength to confront their parents by telling them what they just realized. Instead, they argue with them about specific circumstances, causing their parents to believe that they're just spoiled and/or rebellious. The children scream for certain types of clothing, or camps, and, realizing that their parents have a different set of priorities, begin to resent their parents.
The parents are unaware of their children's thoughts. Instead they see rebellious children. Without any outside intervention, it will be almost impossible to explain to the parents how to improve their children's behavior. The children get therapy, but it can't help them, since the core issues aren't brought to the surface. In many cases, these parents don't even have a Rebbi with whom to discuss the issues. Even if the children become aware of what the core issues are, their parents will not change their approach. They have no way out, begin to believe that life isn't fair, and that there's no hope for them ever to be happy.
The three most damaging aspects for parents who care more about their public image than their children are:
1) People with poor self images often have a rigid view of right and wrong, because they strongly believe in what they do. They don't tolerate deviations by anyone, not even their spouses or children. If their views are not followed, it will confirm their worst fears, that they're not good people. Needless to say, this causes an immense amount of stress.
Stress is a killer. I'm not referring to it in the medical sense, but in its effect on the family unit. Stress is intangible and is denied by many people. ("I'm not stressed, it's because you're being terrible to me.") Stress destroys Sholom Bayis (marital harmony), relationships between parents and children, and may even destroy the children. Parents unwilling to accept blame, deny contributing to their children's shortcomings.
2) Children raised in homes that emphasize positive public images generally have rules that don't serve them. Since the children believe that their parents are more concerned with themselves than with anything else, they see a distorted view of how to succeed in life. They're constantly attempting to achieve "a" (their personal well being), and believe that their parents are also trying to help them. However, when their parents offer a solution, which in reality is for "b" (public image), they believe "b" is supposed to achieve "a". The children follow their parents lead believing that solutions can come from ineffective approaches.
3) The children will not trust anyone. Their trust in their parents has been shattered, and since parents are expected to be the ones children can trust more than anyone, they won't trust anyone else.
This creates multiple problems when trying to repair this damage. The children are unable to believe that anyone cares about them. They don't have their parents on their side, and they refuse to replace them with any other advisor or friend. Their inability to trust people often extends itself beyond role models. They find it difficult to make friendships, as friendships are based on trust. They continue to lead lonely lives, void of any meaningful relationships. This often continues until they make an extreme move, such as running away or taking drugs. When this happens, the parents, who believed that their children were only unhappy, are forced to confront the reality that their children are in need of serious intervention.
In the next article, I'll discuss solutions to the problems mentions in these last two articles.
The previous two articles focused on the negative effects of homes in which emphasis was more on public opinion than on the individual children. I highlighted how those effects were subtle, went unnoticed for years, and how the parents contributions to the problems were usually denied by them. in this last article I'll suggest the steps necessary to improve the children's emotional health and their relationship with the parents.
Correcting past errors requires two separate goals:
a) Insuring that from now on the parents will focus on the individual children's well being.
b) The parents will take the steps necessary to heal the children from their previous errors.
Healing involves several steps:
1) The parents must accept their own contribution to the problems. As I mentioned earlier, the parents contribution is intangible however they can easily blame multiple tangible causes such as spouses, siblings, community and, of course, the children. (Spouses have used these articles to force their spouses to change, creating mental tug-of-war of who should learn the lesson)
As part of appreciating their contributions to the issues, the parents must realize that if their contributions were removed, the children would most probably be immensely more well adjusted, happy, and act consistent with the family image. Further, the parents must be willing to talk about their contribution without diverting the conversation to other causes, which, in reality, are only symptoms of the problems.
2) The parents must take step one and make a clear statement to each child that they, the parents, will act with their children's well being in mind. The goal is to earn the trust of each child. Parents must shatter their children's pre-conceived ideas of how their parents will think and act.
Before I mention the third step, I'd like to mention three related thoughts.
a) Parents must independently work on their self esteem and relationship skills in order to improve their parenting skills and their children's impressions of them. These are almost certainly underlying factors.
b) Parent's must explain to themselves why they, the parents are responsible to change for their own children. Isn't it true that it is the children who must respect and change for their parents? In addition, if we, the parents, begin changing for our children, won't this remove whatever respect still exists?
My answer is that parent's don't have to change their parenting approach. What I'm suggesting is the quickest, and possibly the only way, to help make their children emotionally healthy. With regard to stripping parents of any respect their children may have had for them, my answer is somewhat stark. If the children are manifesting difficult behaviors consistent with those mentioned in the first two articles, then, contrary to whatever the parents may think, they already don't have any respect for them.
In general, people respect those that acknowledge mistakes and character flaws, especially if they're significant ones. They certainly won't respect those who have glaring mistakes that everyone knows but are denied by the persons who manifest them flaws. In short, asking parents to admit to mistakes and change for their children's sake will almost certainly increase parental respect, not lesson it.
c) These ideas may seem drastic. (The third one may appear the most drastic). Why can't parents do it right from here on? Why do I require a "public" apology? The reason is that, in addition to changing their parenting approach, parents must also instill confidence and trust in them. After 10, 15, or 20 years of suffocating parenting this will not be easy. Making a quick comment and apology during breakfast will not satisfy their children. They'll think, "My parents are doing it again. Do they really expect ten years of mistreatment can end with 15 words? They don't mean it. " Although the children may be wrong and their parents may want to treat their children with greater respect, their children's reaction is understandable and will block any meaningful change on the part of the their parents.
3) The parents must focus on their relationship with, and respect, for their children. This doesn't mean that they must treat their children as equals. All individuals deserve to be treated with respect. Children have a right to make personal decisions and to be contributors in the decision making process in areas that involve them. Of equal importance are the small things, such as parents discussing their children when they are present, and even embarrass them in front of others. I've seen this done to children who are fifteen and older.
Parents must make necessary changes even at the cost of public opinion. They must be willing to disrupt the homes rhythm, such as the neatness or scheduling, even accepting their children's behavior (every family has their own standards of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior) that is normally not tolerated. The parents must once again become a positive factor in their children's lives. They won't succeed if they constantly tell them to clean up, be home on time, make us proud, and don't forget to....
A part of respected the individual children is giving greater disclosure between family members. In many families illnesses are not shared with siblings. (I was recently told about a child being in a hospital, but the parents didn't tell the siblings the reason for the admittance.) In general, the importance of privacy has reached paranoiac proportions. Why do so many people block their phone numbers when they call other people? How bad would it be for children to know what their parents do for a living?
4) Parents should allow their children to be exposed to other families. (Of course, they must be emotionally healthy families.) Many families try to keep their children "close to home". My advice is to let them go to friends for Shabbos, babysit and be allowed out of their home like other families. They must be exposed to other normal families. Part of a suffocating upbringing is lack of exposure to "normalcy". They're going to be missing relationship skills if, while growing up in their own home, they don't experience a caring home environment.
5) The parents must have a less rigid view of what is to be considered right and wrong. To do this they must, find a Rebbi or mentor from whom to ask advice. An important part of increasing self esteem is a willingness to ask for advice, and accept that other people may understand things better. This may be true even if "I've been a parent for 20 years and know what I am doing".
Following what I've suggested may be difficult for multiple reasons: a) I'm asking parents to act against years of behavior, which was based on their value system. b) Parents must accept these changes without stressing. Stress, as I wrote kills relationships I'm asking parents to be super human. They'll only have the energy to do it if they appreciate that their actions caused most of the issues and, more than anything else, want their children, married or unmarried, to be happy and healthy. c) be made more difficult by their children taking advantage of their newfound freedom and patience. I'm asking the parents to "open the door wide". The "door" may be religious issues, curfew issues or sleeping late issues. Parents must observe and smile. In addition, many of their older children, those who the parents may have believed, were on their side, will begin to explain how resentful they also feel. Since they're finally doing the right things, the parents will be flooded with complaints and resentment.
Parents must suffer through the most difficult few weeks, or months of their whole lives. Their reward will be that the following months and years will be their best. The Nachas they try to have others, those outside their home, believe that they have, will finally be theirs.
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