Reverse Discrimination & Other Illogical Thoughts, By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck:
This article is pointing out some common illogical and therefore unfair thoughts that sometimes go through people's minds. Most commonly found in teenagers, adults are not exempt from living their lives believing in some of the misconceptions presented in this article.
There are few solutions to offer when a person insists on being illogical. Often the need to be illogical is prompted by an inability to change. Without the illogic, the person would feel too guilty and would have to change. All one can hope for is the person becoming aware of what he are doing. Often he must learn the lesson on his own. Parents, or friends, can “hint” to him what he is doing. Telling it to him in a forceful manner forces him to “insist” that he is right causing the opposite of the desired effect. The lesson must come from within or the person living with these misconceptions will argue his point, denying what everyone understands as the unfairness to others.
The first illogical thought involves a teenager who I was recently speaking to. He insisted that he had a right to discuss with a young boy, a neighbor, a topic that the boy’s parents wouldn’t approve of. He explained to me that he feels there is nothing wrong with the topic and that, with his own children; he would also bring up such topics. My response was that, I felt, the father should be able to make that decision and that it was unfair that one person on the block should appoint himself as the sole arbitrator of what everyone’s standards should be. Although I believe that I ‘dented” his conviction, I certainly didn’t fully convince him of his error.
As illogical as his position seems to be it can be traced from its origin enough to understand where it comes from. There is a phrase in American society referred to as reverse discrimination. In short it’s the belief that, because certain groups, such as women and minorities have been left out of the American dream it’s fair to give them an advantage of the average American male for jobs and other opportunities. The result is that the average American, someone who didn’t participate or gain from past discriminatory behaviors, can find himself being discriminated against when he applies for the same jobs that women and minorities are applying for, in order to “even out the score”.
This concept is the core of many teenagers I speak to. Many feel that, when younger, they were mistreated. They might even be correct. Whether they are correct or not doesn’t legitimize their conclusion. Sometimes consciously, other times not, they feel the right, even a need, to “even out the score” on others. These “others” generally are not the ones that had anything to do with the suffering or difficulties that the person went through.
In my illustration, many teenagers feel that they were forced to listen to values, criticisms and what they refer to as speeches, all against their will. They have also been mistreated by those giving them those speeches. In turn, they will “force” others to hear about their values and views. In their mind, they are making right, what has been wronged by them. I believe that, to some degree, this attitude also contributes the following points.
A second illogical thought is that, “If I don’t understand it, I don’t have to listen”. I speak to teenagers who “decide” that I won’t mind their etching their initials into my furniture because “You can’t really see it anyway”. Or, they smoke in my home because, “If you open the window the smell goes away”. Like in the previous example they feel they are the sole judge on what makes sense or doesn’t.
A third illogical thought is the attitude that, “I can do what I want to do”. The thought of having freedom to do what one wants ignores the reality that different lives overlap with each other. This means that not everyone can do everything they want to do.
For instance, a person might feel that he can come home as late as he wants. This might be true. Another person might feel that once he goes to sleep he doesn’t have to wake up because someone is walking around the house in the middle of the night. That is also true. Two lives are overlapping and someone has to be inconvenienced for the other person.
Who should be the inconvenienced is sometimes difficult, but is often obvious. A parent, owning the home and paying the rent has more rights than the son does. The person who is responsible for the issue at hand, such as how to fix something, should have the right to decide whether to fix it or not.
The fourth illogical thought is that, “since I am allowed to do this, (whatever “this” might be) then it can’t be held against me when I do it.” There are many examples of this. The teenager might feel that growing his hair long is his right. Therefore, he might conclude, it’s unfair for a potential employer to be critical of the teenager’s decision to grow it long.
The fifth illogical thought goes like this: “Since I have the right to do this you should pay for it”. Examples would include, demanding a parent to pay for a place ticket since the parent allows the teenager to go somewhere for the summer. A cheaper example would be a teenager assuming the parent will pay for pizza simply because the parent lets him go out with a friend. Permission and entitlement are two separate concepts, but are often blurred in the mind of the hopeful recipient.
The sixth one is that many people understand that they need to change their life. They must wake up early, stop smoking (Whatever it is that they’re smoking) change their group of friends and they must interact more responsibly with family and community. Appreciating how difficult it will be to change, they wait for the perfect opportunity to begin changing. They wait for the new job, the new school, or some other outside force to make the change easier.
There are several fallacies with this approach. The first is that life takes us in different directions based on our abilities to succeed in those directions. Many of these abilities are intangible. Some of these intangibles are our motivation, strong desire for change, and how we, in an intangible manner, present ourselves to others. Having fun, for instance, crushes the motivation to change. Waiting to change itself holds us back from the changes that the person himself admits to be necessary.
This article is the result, not of a specific incident but of a thought, maybe more of a distortion that many of us have. Most people’s lives are not “neat”. We are good at one thing, bad at another. Often what we are good and bad at are intertwined with each other. We are, to a degree, a living contradiction.
No, our lives are not neat at all. We may take Davening seriously and that is truly a part of “who I am”. But it may also be true that you often come late to Davening. A woman may truly be a Baalas Chesed but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t lose patience with her children.
Many people react to these contradictions as being “fake” or some other term to negate the positives that are within each of us. When speaking to others we conclude, “See, he really isn’t a good person”. But this is not fair. We are, as creatures of emotion and conflict, the sum total everything that we do.
Yet, when we speak to others we like to present our lives as being neat. We gloss over our faults, ignoring them or speaking about them as if their trivial, not really relevant, or are not a part of the broader picture. If we can’t do that we state our faults as “this is who I am” hoping to quickly divert the conversation to more pleasant subjects. There is nothing wrong with presenting ourselves to others like that. Everyone should present themselves to others in as positive a spin as possible.
But here is where it gets complicated. Presenting ourselves to others as living a neat and consistent life is, when done moderately, is the correct way to present oneself to others. But that doesn’t mean everyone should be expected to believe it. Do you expect others to treat you as if you truly live a neat life? Or can they treat you based on the reality that your life is not as neat as you present it?
But that is not my real question. Yes, I should protect myself as best I can while I should act to you as gracious as I possibly can.
The real question is about whether you recognize how un-neat your life really is? I always tell people that people often look at things wrongly. It’s my job to look at you softly, overlooking your weaknesses. But it’s your job to look at yourself critically (Not overly so, but critical in a positive manner) highlighting all your faults. We usually do the opposite. We are critical of others while rationalizing our faults.
You asked me to accept your faults. Are you accepting your faults? Are you aware that the incident involved certain things that make employment, marriage (if you get over your hang up of getting married) and any close relationship impossible to sustain.
I often talk to teenagers who feel they will never be included in the adult world. They feel that they will always be “fringe”. They think adults and Yeshiva guys will always look down at them. It’s not true and the perception is damaging. It makes them not want to try. Some of your comments hinted to your believing that you will always be fringe, never a “real” person.
You asked me to acknowledge how you have improved during the last few months, which I did, and truly believe to be so. What I guess bothered me about your comments last night were that you spoke about certain traits of your which you asked me to accept as being a part of who you are and will always be. I find that hard to accept. I would like to believe that you will work on them even if, right now, your plate is full, working on other things and that, although you will get to it, you won’t get to it for a while. That I can handle.
Some of the traits which you seemed to declare as being who you are and that I need to get used to them are:
Can I forgive, yes, Can I forget, not if I am being asked to believe that it will, in some form or happen again. I need to remember these incidents to keep on guard. If I have to remember these incidents, then our relationship, although strong, will not be as strong as it could be. If, on the other hand, I am told that what took place two nights ago is something that disappoints you and is a part of your quest for change and all your asking is for patience, I can look beyond the incident with hope and confidence.
There are few solutions to offer when a person insists on being illogical. Often the need to be illogical is prompted by an inability to change. Without the illogic, the person would feel too guilty and would have to change. All one can hope for is the person becoming aware of what he are doing. Often he must learn the lesson on his own. Parents, or friends, can “hint” to him what he is doing. Telling it to him in a forceful manner forces him to “insist” that he is right causing the opposite of the desired effect. The lesson must come from within or the person living with these misconceptions will argue his point, denying what everyone understands as the unfairness to others.
The first illogical thought involves a teenager who I was recently speaking to. He insisted that he had a right to discuss with a young boy, a neighbor, a topic that the boy’s parents wouldn’t approve of. He explained to me that he feels there is nothing wrong with the topic and that, with his own children; he would also bring up such topics. My response was that, I felt, the father should be able to make that decision and that it was unfair that one person on the block should appoint himself as the sole arbitrator of what everyone’s standards should be. Although I believe that I ‘dented” his conviction, I certainly didn’t fully convince him of his error.
As illogical as his position seems to be it can be traced from its origin enough to understand where it comes from. There is a phrase in American society referred to as reverse discrimination. In short it’s the belief that, because certain groups, such as women and minorities have been left out of the American dream it’s fair to give them an advantage of the average American male for jobs and other opportunities. The result is that the average American, someone who didn’t participate or gain from past discriminatory behaviors, can find himself being discriminated against when he applies for the same jobs that women and minorities are applying for, in order to “even out the score”.
This concept is the core of many teenagers I speak to. Many feel that, when younger, they were mistreated. They might even be correct. Whether they are correct or not doesn’t legitimize their conclusion. Sometimes consciously, other times not, they feel the right, even a need, to “even out the score” on others. These “others” generally are not the ones that had anything to do with the suffering or difficulties that the person went through.
In my illustration, many teenagers feel that they were forced to listen to values, criticisms and what they refer to as speeches, all against their will. They have also been mistreated by those giving them those speeches. In turn, they will “force” others to hear about their values and views. In their mind, they are making right, what has been wronged by them. I believe that, to some degree, this attitude also contributes the following points.
A second illogical thought is that, “If I don’t understand it, I don’t have to listen”. I speak to teenagers who “decide” that I won’t mind their etching their initials into my furniture because “You can’t really see it anyway”. Or, they smoke in my home because, “If you open the window the smell goes away”. Like in the previous example they feel they are the sole judge on what makes sense or doesn’t.
A third illogical thought is the attitude that, “I can do what I want to do”. The thought of having freedom to do what one wants ignores the reality that different lives overlap with each other. This means that not everyone can do everything they want to do.
For instance, a person might feel that he can come home as late as he wants. This might be true. Another person might feel that once he goes to sleep he doesn’t have to wake up because someone is walking around the house in the middle of the night. That is also true. Two lives are overlapping and someone has to be inconvenienced for the other person.
Who should be the inconvenienced is sometimes difficult, but is often obvious. A parent, owning the home and paying the rent has more rights than the son does. The person who is responsible for the issue at hand, such as how to fix something, should have the right to decide whether to fix it or not.
The fourth illogical thought is that, “since I am allowed to do this, (whatever “this” might be) then it can’t be held against me when I do it.” There are many examples of this. The teenager might feel that growing his hair long is his right. Therefore, he might conclude, it’s unfair for a potential employer to be critical of the teenager’s decision to grow it long.
The fifth illogical thought goes like this: “Since I have the right to do this you should pay for it”. Examples would include, demanding a parent to pay for a place ticket since the parent allows the teenager to go somewhere for the summer. A cheaper example would be a teenager assuming the parent will pay for pizza simply because the parent lets him go out with a friend. Permission and entitlement are two separate concepts, but are often blurred in the mind of the hopeful recipient.
The sixth one is that many people understand that they need to change their life. They must wake up early, stop smoking (Whatever it is that they’re smoking) change their group of friends and they must interact more responsibly with family and community. Appreciating how difficult it will be to change, they wait for the perfect opportunity to begin changing. They wait for the new job, the new school, or some other outside force to make the change easier.
There are several fallacies with this approach. The first is that life takes us in different directions based on our abilities to succeed in those directions. Many of these abilities are intangible. Some of these intangibles are our motivation, strong desire for change, and how we, in an intangible manner, present ourselves to others. Having fun, for instance, crushes the motivation to change. Waiting to change itself holds us back from the changes that the person himself admits to be necessary.
This article is the result, not of a specific incident but of a thought, maybe more of a distortion that many of us have. Most people’s lives are not “neat”. We are good at one thing, bad at another. Often what we are good and bad at are intertwined with each other. We are, to a degree, a living contradiction.
No, our lives are not neat at all. We may take Davening seriously and that is truly a part of “who I am”. But it may also be true that you often come late to Davening. A woman may truly be a Baalas Chesed but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t lose patience with her children.
Many people react to these contradictions as being “fake” or some other term to negate the positives that are within each of us. When speaking to others we conclude, “See, he really isn’t a good person”. But this is not fair. We are, as creatures of emotion and conflict, the sum total everything that we do.
Yet, when we speak to others we like to present our lives as being neat. We gloss over our faults, ignoring them or speaking about them as if their trivial, not really relevant, or are not a part of the broader picture. If we can’t do that we state our faults as “this is who I am” hoping to quickly divert the conversation to more pleasant subjects. There is nothing wrong with presenting ourselves to others like that. Everyone should present themselves to others in as positive a spin as possible.
But here is where it gets complicated. Presenting ourselves to others as living a neat and consistent life is, when done moderately, is the correct way to present oneself to others. But that doesn’t mean everyone should be expected to believe it. Do you expect others to treat you as if you truly live a neat life? Or can they treat you based on the reality that your life is not as neat as you present it?
But that is not my real question. Yes, I should protect myself as best I can while I should act to you as gracious as I possibly can.
The real question is about whether you recognize how un-neat your life really is? I always tell people that people often look at things wrongly. It’s my job to look at you softly, overlooking your weaknesses. But it’s your job to look at yourself critically (Not overly so, but critical in a positive manner) highlighting all your faults. We usually do the opposite. We are critical of others while rationalizing our faults.
You asked me to accept your faults. Are you accepting your faults? Are you aware that the incident involved certain things that make employment, marriage (if you get over your hang up of getting married) and any close relationship impossible to sustain.
I often talk to teenagers who feel they will never be included in the adult world. They feel that they will always be “fringe”. They think adults and Yeshiva guys will always look down at them. It’s not true and the perception is damaging. It makes them not want to try. Some of your comments hinted to your believing that you will always be fringe, never a “real” person.
You asked me to acknowledge how you have improved during the last few months, which I did, and truly believe to be so. What I guess bothered me about your comments last night were that you spoke about certain traits of your which you asked me to accept as being a part of who you are and will always be. I find that hard to accept. I would like to believe that you will work on them even if, right now, your plate is full, working on other things and that, although you will get to it, you won’t get to it for a while. That I can handle.
Some of the traits which you seemed to declare as being who you are and that I need to get used to them are:
- Your impulsivity, regardless of how unfair it is to others, such as with the car.
- Your being a friend who is unable to be expected to always act like a friend
- Your wanting to do your own thing, such as not go to sleep or wake up at a normal time
Can I forgive, yes, Can I forget, not if I am being asked to believe that it will, in some form or happen again. I need to remember these incidents to keep on guard. If I have to remember these incidents, then our relationship, although strong, will not be as strong as it could be. If, on the other hand, I am told that what took place two nights ago is something that disappoints you and is a part of your quest for change and all your asking is for patience, I can look beyond the incident with hope and confidence.
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