my world - their world, by Rabbi shmuel GLUCK:
I, recently, had an incident with a teenager who stopped calling me by my name, when he became upset with me. Instead, when he speaks to my staff, he refers to me as “an authority”. I became a category, and not a person. I was less than human. He did this to protect himself from having to take anything I say into consideration. After all, I’m like all the other authorities in his life. This teenager, like many others, has found a way to ignore the suggestions of others, without having to respond with a reasonable “defense”.
In some communities it’s common for parents to describe to their children people who don’t belong to their group by categorizing them. People that aren’t Frum are called “Goyim”. The parents’ intent is often sincere. They have a fear that their children will learn from a Jew who isn’t Frum, or not as Frum as they are. They believe that by calling them Goyim, their children will distance themselves from them, and won’t become negatively impacted by them.
There are other people who’ll categorize anyone who disagree with them as anti-Semites, or those who, sadly, don’t understand them, as Nebechs. It’s become common for some people to turn anyone who disagrees with their lifestyle, into something less than human.
There are many people who don’t deliberately turn others into less than human. But, they see everyone as a part of a category. There are children, old people, Baalei Teshuva, etc. Something about them makes them different and, in some way, “less” then they are.
For example, many adults see children as being less important than they are. Many parents, in particular, act as if the laws of Bain Odom L’chaveiro don’t apply to them and their children. They subconsciously forget that young people (their children and others), are people, and must be treated accordingly, with the possible exceptions of “Chinuch moments”, when the parents must, in order to train their children, risk hurting their feelings. Believing that their own children are different from “regular” people, often extends itself to when these children become grandparents. Since they’re their children, they suspend the laws of Bain Odom L’chaveiro.
The same is true with how many adults see older people. Seeing them as “old people” they talk about them with less sensitivity and with an overall decrease for their concerns, and or a belief that their opinions can’t be trusted.
Putting people into categories, regardless of the motivation, will create significant compromises on the quality of people’s own lives, and will damage the lives of others. Below are some ways that it does this?.
1) From a Torah perspective, putting people into categories makes it more difficult to have empathy for them. For example, it becomes difficult to fulfill V’ohavto L’reiacho Komocho, love your friend as you love yourself, if they aren’t “friends”, but are somehow “less”. People can’t fulfill the responsibility to be Nosei B’ol Im Chaveiro, to carry their friend’s burden, if they aren’t friends.
2) Categorizing people isolates people from all those they’ve catagorized, and over time, the group of people they’ll trust will become smaller. Categorizing people may be convenient in the short term, and an easy “go-to” solution. Once the category “sticks”, it becomes difficult to retract the decision to exclude people from the category.
3) Categorizing people will damage children, and one of two things may happen: a) Either the children will continue their parents’ practices, and if they do, they’ll often do it in a more extreme manner. They’ll even categorize their own parents, and their parents’ beliefs. The parents’ own techniques will be used against them.
Interestingly, but no less sad, is that parents are often unaware of that fact that they’re categorizing people. When the children place their parents into convenient categories, the conflicts between parents and children become explosive. The parents will deny the childrens’ accusations that they “trained” them. Not “seeing’ the root of the problem will make it exceedingly difficult for the parents to help their children “grow” out of the problem.
b) The second possibility is that the children will believe that the Jewish religion is biased (children see almost everything that parents do as being religious based), closeminded and, therefore, it’s not a way of life that they’re interested in living. In this scenario, as in the previous one, the parents own defense is used against them.
There’s a more effective way to defend against the lifestyles of others when parents feel threatened by their values. Several members of my family have personalities that “transcend” age, gender, and culture. They easily connect with all people, and make all people feel comfortable. Their secret is that they see all people as being people.
They may respect some, have pity on others, and even try to avoid a few, but they never see anyone as less than human. Instead, they always put things into perspective. People can be “good people, who have a difficult time keeping their word”. People can “be generous, decent, people, but whose values aren’t the same as ours”. One may even add, “As long as each group is consistent with their values, even if not perfect, they’re good people. It’s when we each learn from other people’s faults, that we become less than good people”.
Considering some people less than human, which amounts to an “all or nothing” approach, may work. If it does work, it brings the risk that those who adhere to it, will lack Midos, as they polarize themselves. Of greater concern is that it often doesn’t work, and will cause more damage than parents can imagine.
With the more effective approach, being firm about values, having a healthy relationship with Hashem, and family, and clearly articulating the families’ positions, will bring a smaller risk of a compromisation of standards, and a minimal risk of “losing” any one, or any relationship. In addition, this approach incorporates all the guidelines of Bain Odom L’chaveiro, making it Hashem’s preferred method.
In some communities it’s common for parents to describe to their children people who don’t belong to their group by categorizing them. People that aren’t Frum are called “Goyim”. The parents’ intent is often sincere. They have a fear that their children will learn from a Jew who isn’t Frum, or not as Frum as they are. They believe that by calling them Goyim, their children will distance themselves from them, and won’t become negatively impacted by them.
There are other people who’ll categorize anyone who disagree with them as anti-Semites, or those who, sadly, don’t understand them, as Nebechs. It’s become common for some people to turn anyone who disagrees with their lifestyle, into something less than human.
There are many people who don’t deliberately turn others into less than human. But, they see everyone as a part of a category. There are children, old people, Baalei Teshuva, etc. Something about them makes them different and, in some way, “less” then they are.
For example, many adults see children as being less important than they are. Many parents, in particular, act as if the laws of Bain Odom L’chaveiro don’t apply to them and their children. They subconsciously forget that young people (their children and others), are people, and must be treated accordingly, with the possible exceptions of “Chinuch moments”, when the parents must, in order to train their children, risk hurting their feelings. Believing that their own children are different from “regular” people, often extends itself to when these children become grandparents. Since they’re their children, they suspend the laws of Bain Odom L’chaveiro.
The same is true with how many adults see older people. Seeing them as “old people” they talk about them with less sensitivity and with an overall decrease for their concerns, and or a belief that their opinions can’t be trusted.
Putting people into categories, regardless of the motivation, will create significant compromises on the quality of people’s own lives, and will damage the lives of others. Below are some ways that it does this?.
1) From a Torah perspective, putting people into categories makes it more difficult to have empathy for them. For example, it becomes difficult to fulfill V’ohavto L’reiacho Komocho, love your friend as you love yourself, if they aren’t “friends”, but are somehow “less”. People can’t fulfill the responsibility to be Nosei B’ol Im Chaveiro, to carry their friend’s burden, if they aren’t friends.
2) Categorizing people isolates people from all those they’ve catagorized, and over time, the group of people they’ll trust will become smaller. Categorizing people may be convenient in the short term, and an easy “go-to” solution. Once the category “sticks”, it becomes difficult to retract the decision to exclude people from the category.
3) Categorizing people will damage children, and one of two things may happen: a) Either the children will continue their parents’ practices, and if they do, they’ll often do it in a more extreme manner. They’ll even categorize their own parents, and their parents’ beliefs. The parents’ own techniques will be used against them.
Interestingly, but no less sad, is that parents are often unaware of that fact that they’re categorizing people. When the children place their parents into convenient categories, the conflicts between parents and children become explosive. The parents will deny the childrens’ accusations that they “trained” them. Not “seeing’ the root of the problem will make it exceedingly difficult for the parents to help their children “grow” out of the problem.
b) The second possibility is that the children will believe that the Jewish religion is biased (children see almost everything that parents do as being religious based), closeminded and, therefore, it’s not a way of life that they’re interested in living. In this scenario, as in the previous one, the parents own defense is used against them.
There’s a more effective way to defend against the lifestyles of others when parents feel threatened by their values. Several members of my family have personalities that “transcend” age, gender, and culture. They easily connect with all people, and make all people feel comfortable. Their secret is that they see all people as being people.
They may respect some, have pity on others, and even try to avoid a few, but they never see anyone as less than human. Instead, they always put things into perspective. People can be “good people, who have a difficult time keeping their word”. People can “be generous, decent, people, but whose values aren’t the same as ours”. One may even add, “As long as each group is consistent with their values, even if not perfect, they’re good people. It’s when we each learn from other people’s faults, that we become less than good people”.
Considering some people less than human, which amounts to an “all or nothing” approach, may work. If it does work, it brings the risk that those who adhere to it, will lack Midos, as they polarize themselves. Of greater concern is that it often doesn’t work, and will cause more damage than parents can imagine.
With the more effective approach, being firm about values, having a healthy relationship with Hashem, and family, and clearly articulating the families’ positions, will bring a smaller risk of a compromisation of standards, and a minimal risk of “losing” any one, or any relationship. In addition, this approach incorporates all the guidelines of Bain Odom L’chaveiro, making it Hashem’s preferred method.
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