my concern for the mainstream student, (part four) by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I’ve received many responses based on the first three parts of this article. Those responses have led me to write this part four. Everyone agreed with my message, even with its urgent tone. Nevertheless, those responses didn’t make me confident that anything would change. Most people didn’t commit themselves to changing their approach, or becoming more active. Instead, they used the article to confirm that “the system” wasn’t doing enough.
(I become very frustrated when people blame, or place responsibility on, the system. Who’s the system? Is it the community’s selfless people who are already doing more than they’re able to do, with less funding than is needed to succeed? Or, is it the people who are lamenting that the system isn’t doing enough?)
Many people believed that the system was so bad that there was nothing that anyone could do. Others felt exhilarated that everything was bleak. The most disturbing aspect of those responses was that I didn’t receive any responses from parents for whom the message was written. Those that responded felt “safe” in responding to me.
I’m writing this to those who were affected by my message, who realize that they are affected, but who may feel “frozen, and overwhelmed and, as a defense mechanism, have chosen to “hide. I’d like to share with them a technique that I use when I have to force myself to act, when my initial reaction is to “hide. The technique has motivated me to act, even when I didn’t want to think about the issue and, certainly, when I was unprepared to do anything about it.
People are often aware that something in their lives requires a change. When I say that they’re aware, I mean that they’re aware that if they don’t change, something catastrophic will take place. They may lose their job, or a close family, or friend, relationship. They may be at risk of getting divorced. Their awareness isn’t simply about personal growth, which doesn’t motivate many people. It’s more serious. It’s about their lives crumbling around them.
Some people are so adept at denying their problems that they’re oblivious to the fact that their lives are crumbling. Nevertheless, subconsciously, they’re very mindful that their lives may crumble. That subconscious awareness causes their instincts to “kick” in. Their instincts begin to “nudge” them, and “asks” them to focus on what’s bothering them. That nudging is “telling” them that they’re in need of change. The nudge can be called their conscious or Yetzer Tov, although it often appears as guilt. What’s important is that all people have built in systems that tells them that something’s happening inside of them, and demands that they think about it.
The nudge, which brings the issue to the forefront, creates feelings of guilt, and/or inadequacies. When confronted with the nudge, people will: 1) ignore it; 2) challenge it, with biased “logic”, facts which are “almost” true, and which allow them to deny that their life is crumbling; 3) act on it (which few people will do).
The first two choices remove the feelings of guilt immediately, by convincing them that everything’s fine. People choose them because they find it too difficult to change. Ignoring and/or denying, requires less effort than changing. However, they’re unaware that ignored/denied problems will come to haunt them, when the problems increase and become unsolvable. At this time people realize that they knew all along that there was a problem, and the guilt was greater than they ever imagined.
How did I help myself? Imagine if people couldn’t, or wouldn’t, “push” aside the nudge telling them that something needs their attention? The guilt would increase until they couldn’t “stand it”, and then they’d have no choice but to correct the problem. While that may sound painful, and it is, it’s a powerful motivator. No one wants to feel guilty for not following through with their responsibilities. No one wants to feel like someone else’s failure is their fault. All people want to believe that they’re good. If they won’t allow themselves to believe it through denial, they’ll have to know it by rising to the challenge, and doing what they’re supposed to do.
I accept that my feelings of guilt are deserving, knowing that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to, and knowing that I have a long list of tasks “in front” of me. It represents my strongest motivator to follow through with my long list of tasks, despite how the process makes me feel about myself. Initially, acknowledging that I should feel guilty is a painful process. After doing it a few times, I’ve become accustomed to being pro-active and to change and grow. Once I’ve passed the threshold from “running” away from the guilt feeling, I’ve become comfortable in confronting what I know to be true, and it becomes may first reaction.
Most parents are aware of how well their children are doing in school, and life in general. They’re more than aware of their scholastic achievements, and classroom attendance. They’re also aware of whether their children are in a “healthy” place, if they “disappear” without accountability, if they have friends whose names, and backgrounds, are secretive, and if they feel a general uneasiness when thinking of their prospects for the future. Parents are also aware of the subtle nuances that, individually, are meaningless but, collectively, “scream” that their children aren’t doing well. In addition, parents are often aware that they’re “hiding” behind their need to feel like “everything’s okay”.
Parents should “catch” themselves before they make generic comments that they, subconsciously, know aren’t honest. Comments include, “He’ll finish high school, and go to Eretz Yisroel, and I’m sure he’ll be all right”. Such a comment is based on hope, and is intended to divert the parents’ attention from what they know requires their attention. This doesn’t constitute a plan.
“So s/he’s not the best student”. The conversation which led to that comment was usually a warning to parents that they (teacher and/or friend) are worried about the direction that his/her life is taking, and not about the academic level. When the parents respond that they’re comfortable, and know that s/he’s not the best student, it’s also a diversion.
Confronting their children’s present behavior will require parents’ to dedicate significant time, emotional, and financial, energy. Instead of ignoring/challenging what they know to be true, parents should embrace what they know is true, and accept their responsibilities.
In closure: This series of articles may make me appear as an alarmist. Nevertheless, I believe that there’s real cause for alarm. I’m asking all of my readers, whether it’s for children who are still under their jurisdiction, or for a school with several hundred students, to please share these thoughts with those who share your responsibilities, If readers feel the need, they can contact me, so that, together, we can make the coming generation a better one than we imagined possible.
(I become very frustrated when people blame, or place responsibility on, the system. Who’s the system? Is it the community’s selfless people who are already doing more than they’re able to do, with less funding than is needed to succeed? Or, is it the people who are lamenting that the system isn’t doing enough?)
Many people believed that the system was so bad that there was nothing that anyone could do. Others felt exhilarated that everything was bleak. The most disturbing aspect of those responses was that I didn’t receive any responses from parents for whom the message was written. Those that responded felt “safe” in responding to me.
I’m writing this to those who were affected by my message, who realize that they are affected, but who may feel “frozen, and overwhelmed and, as a defense mechanism, have chosen to “hide. I’d like to share with them a technique that I use when I have to force myself to act, when my initial reaction is to “hide. The technique has motivated me to act, even when I didn’t want to think about the issue and, certainly, when I was unprepared to do anything about it.
People are often aware that something in their lives requires a change. When I say that they’re aware, I mean that they’re aware that if they don’t change, something catastrophic will take place. They may lose their job, or a close family, or friend, relationship. They may be at risk of getting divorced. Their awareness isn’t simply about personal growth, which doesn’t motivate many people. It’s more serious. It’s about their lives crumbling around them.
Some people are so adept at denying their problems that they’re oblivious to the fact that their lives are crumbling. Nevertheless, subconsciously, they’re very mindful that their lives may crumble. That subconscious awareness causes their instincts to “kick” in. Their instincts begin to “nudge” them, and “asks” them to focus on what’s bothering them. That nudging is “telling” them that they’re in need of change. The nudge can be called their conscious or Yetzer Tov, although it often appears as guilt. What’s important is that all people have built in systems that tells them that something’s happening inside of them, and demands that they think about it.
The nudge, which brings the issue to the forefront, creates feelings of guilt, and/or inadequacies. When confronted with the nudge, people will: 1) ignore it; 2) challenge it, with biased “logic”, facts which are “almost” true, and which allow them to deny that their life is crumbling; 3) act on it (which few people will do).
The first two choices remove the feelings of guilt immediately, by convincing them that everything’s fine. People choose them because they find it too difficult to change. Ignoring and/or denying, requires less effort than changing. However, they’re unaware that ignored/denied problems will come to haunt them, when the problems increase and become unsolvable. At this time people realize that they knew all along that there was a problem, and the guilt was greater than they ever imagined.
How did I help myself? Imagine if people couldn’t, or wouldn’t, “push” aside the nudge telling them that something needs their attention? The guilt would increase until they couldn’t “stand it”, and then they’d have no choice but to correct the problem. While that may sound painful, and it is, it’s a powerful motivator. No one wants to feel guilty for not following through with their responsibilities. No one wants to feel like someone else’s failure is their fault. All people want to believe that they’re good. If they won’t allow themselves to believe it through denial, they’ll have to know it by rising to the challenge, and doing what they’re supposed to do.
I accept that my feelings of guilt are deserving, knowing that I’m not doing what I’m supposed to, and knowing that I have a long list of tasks “in front” of me. It represents my strongest motivator to follow through with my long list of tasks, despite how the process makes me feel about myself. Initially, acknowledging that I should feel guilty is a painful process. After doing it a few times, I’ve become accustomed to being pro-active and to change and grow. Once I’ve passed the threshold from “running” away from the guilt feeling, I’ve become comfortable in confronting what I know to be true, and it becomes may first reaction.
Most parents are aware of how well their children are doing in school, and life in general. They’re more than aware of their scholastic achievements, and classroom attendance. They’re also aware of whether their children are in a “healthy” place, if they “disappear” without accountability, if they have friends whose names, and backgrounds, are secretive, and if they feel a general uneasiness when thinking of their prospects for the future. Parents are also aware of the subtle nuances that, individually, are meaningless but, collectively, “scream” that their children aren’t doing well. In addition, parents are often aware that they’re “hiding” behind their need to feel like “everything’s okay”.
Parents should “catch” themselves before they make generic comments that they, subconsciously, know aren’t honest. Comments include, “He’ll finish high school, and go to Eretz Yisroel, and I’m sure he’ll be all right”. Such a comment is based on hope, and is intended to divert the parents’ attention from what they know requires their attention. This doesn’t constitute a plan.
“So s/he’s not the best student”. The conversation which led to that comment was usually a warning to parents that they (teacher and/or friend) are worried about the direction that his/her life is taking, and not about the academic level. When the parents respond that they’re comfortable, and know that s/he’s not the best student, it’s also a diversion.
Confronting their children’s present behavior will require parents’ to dedicate significant time, emotional, and financial, energy. Instead of ignoring/challenging what they know to be true, parents should embrace what they know is true, and accept their responsibilities.
In closure: This series of articles may make me appear as an alarmist. Nevertheless, I believe that there’s real cause for alarm. I’m asking all of my readers, whether it’s for children who are still under their jurisdiction, or for a school with several hundred students, to please share these thoughts with those who share your responsibilities, If readers feel the need, they can contact me, so that, together, we can make the coming generation a better one than we imagined possible.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. I have felt for MANY YEARS that there is something wrong with the assumption that if we just get our kids through school, if they are just stepping into a mainstream school every day and coming home, day after day after day, then they will be OK and we have been successful as parents. I don't know how other parents feel, but I have gone through years of feeling like there is no choice but to keep pushing my kids out the door in the morning and as long as they are still going to school and performing the basic requirements, that is all that matters. I believe that perceptive people can see which students are really OK and which ones are just "pretending", as the article mentions. This is a very big issue because many people think that there are only certain "problem kids" that have "issues" and everyone else is ok, so really there is not such a big problem out there. I believe, as the article states, that there are many children and teens who are not really being successful in school and the issues will come out eventually. We need intervention VERY EARLY ON. Or, we need a different approach to education in general, that incorporates social/emotional skills, not as a nice extra, but as a given!
S.S
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