my concern for the mainstream student, (part THREE of three) by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I hope that parents/Mechanchim, and teenagers, will take the message of this article to heart.
Parents and Mechanchim
1) Most students will stay in mainstream schools, whether, or not, they’re the best matches for them. Many students need mentors, personal Rebbis, or confidants (certainly 20-50% do). Schools should build this need into their programs, budgets permitting. Parents must also be willing to include the added expense of individual “attention” for their children into their budgets. If they don’t pay for it now, they’ll likely pay for it later, by helping their children in unhappy marriages or, worse, divorce.
Choosing the mentor, Rebbi, or confidant must be done carefully. Looking exclusively for the most learned, or popular, should be avoided. Role models must be willing to dedicate their time, be constantly available, understand people, be team players, have their own Rebbi, and be living healthy lifestyles. The exact requirements for a perfect match are too detailed for this article. It’s time to stop thinking of mentors as only being necessary for people who are off the Derech.
2) Although I believe that mainstream environments are excellent, they aren’t/can’t be customized approaches and, therefore they often won’t be able to sufficiently help students who are lacking in the three above areas (see part 2) it’s clear to me that many more teenagers should be removed from mainstream environments, and placed in environments that’ll cultivate an appreciation for those areas. However, many students avoid these other environments, knowing that they can hide in a large, mainstream, class. This belief of mine has received significant resistance, and I’d like to discuss some of them.
a. Mechanchim and parents are concerned that non-mainstream environments will teach their children additional bad habits, as their peers will “share” what they “know” with others. That’s a legitimate concern. Nevertheless, allowing that concern to overshadow the likely outcome of teenagers who prove themselves incapable of having healthy lifestyles, is downplaying the concerns that I’ve described.
b. Many parents believe that all non-mainstream environments are infested with students who use drugs and other dangerous vices. Although it’s true that the most popular non-mainstream schools are infested, nevertheless, there are a growing number of alternative environments (Areivim’s multiple residences are just some of them) which have adopted the philosophy that I prescribe. We need to: a) keep them busy, b) help them feel accomplished, and c) surround them with healthy people. While risks can’t be erased, they can be minimized to the point where the advantages make the risks acceptable.
c. It’s important for parents to acknowledge that much of their resistance is due to their fear of their personal shame from others, and their feelings of failure for themselves. Such feelings are natural; however, they don’t need to be addressed now, as the flaw in their reasoning will be evident to any objective person. Parents should be reminded that the personal shame that they’ll experience in later years will be significantly greater, and last longer, than any that they may feel now, if they don’t address the issues.
3) Parents and Mechanchim must stop believing that they always understand their children and students. In many cases they only see their children’s/student's’ outer layer. This creates a misplaced confidence in how well they understand what their children/students are experiencing. This may result in delaying any necessary services for months, and even years later than when they were first needed.
In a similar vein parents/Mechanchim shouldn’t downplay negative behavior. They should acknowledge, without overreacting, that their children/students need medicine or therapists. At the least they should consider these possibilities, and allow someone else to be involved in the decision process.
To those in need of this article
1) The greatest motivator of change is the clarity of having a picture of what you want/expect the outcome to be. Almost everyone has friends that are in different age groups and social circles. This means that 17 year olds may have friends who are 20+ years old, who still aren’t respected because they’re still living a “fake life”, even as they date quality Shidduchim. This should shatter the 17 year olds’ perception that they’ll change when they get older. There are 25 year olds’ who have 30 year old friends, on the brink of divorce, because of their behaviors, which are similar to theirs.
People are generally, even if only subconsciously, aware of the anticipated outcome, but push it to the back of their minds. Don’t do it. Let the outcome (you don’t intervene) confront you every day.
2) Don’t focus on your behaviors; focus on the thoughts that lead to the behaviors. The thoughts are selfish. You believe that you can get away with the minimum requirements; you believe that people will always like and, therefore, forgive you. These myths may have begun as truths, but they planted the seeds of your misguided adulthood. You must confront those myths.
3) Be willing to “let go” of everything you’ve embraced, such as an unwillingness to go out of your comfort zone, or a belief that, “I don’t have to do that”. The process may be painful, but you’ll have to accept it as a part of the healing process. Accept that everything you’ve known to be true may not be true.
4) Your strongest asset will be tenacity. Keep at it every day, despite the feeling that you haven’t changed enough, and/or that no one will notice that you’ve grown.
5) Don’t trust yourself. Your judgment is biased and hasn’t served you well until now. Adopt a Rebbi or some other advisor. Have the strength to allow their decisions to override yours. (Finding the right advisor requires skill, and I’ll gladly walk people through the process.)
If you believe that these five points won’t help you change, it’s because you’re unaccustomed to working hard. This’s the most necessary component of the therapy to change. You have to stop expecting others to find “angles” to fix your inadequacies. It’s time to embrace hard work, and personal responsibility.
In closure: This series of articles may make me appear as an alarmist. Nevertheless, I truly believe that there’s real cause for alarm. I’m asking all of my readers, whether it’s for your children, who are still under your jurisdiction, or a school of several hundred students, to please share these thoughts with those who share your responsibilities, If necessary, please contact me, so that, together, we can make the coming generation a better one than we imagined possible.
Parents and Mechanchim
1) Most students will stay in mainstream schools, whether, or not, they’re the best matches for them. Many students need mentors, personal Rebbis, or confidants (certainly 20-50% do). Schools should build this need into their programs, budgets permitting. Parents must also be willing to include the added expense of individual “attention” for their children into their budgets. If they don’t pay for it now, they’ll likely pay for it later, by helping their children in unhappy marriages or, worse, divorce.
Choosing the mentor, Rebbi, or confidant must be done carefully. Looking exclusively for the most learned, or popular, should be avoided. Role models must be willing to dedicate their time, be constantly available, understand people, be team players, have their own Rebbi, and be living healthy lifestyles. The exact requirements for a perfect match are too detailed for this article. It’s time to stop thinking of mentors as only being necessary for people who are off the Derech.
2) Although I believe that mainstream environments are excellent, they aren’t/can’t be customized approaches and, therefore they often won’t be able to sufficiently help students who are lacking in the three above areas (see part 2) it’s clear to me that many more teenagers should be removed from mainstream environments, and placed in environments that’ll cultivate an appreciation for those areas. However, many students avoid these other environments, knowing that they can hide in a large, mainstream, class. This belief of mine has received significant resistance, and I’d like to discuss some of them.
a. Mechanchim and parents are concerned that non-mainstream environments will teach their children additional bad habits, as their peers will “share” what they “know” with others. That’s a legitimate concern. Nevertheless, allowing that concern to overshadow the likely outcome of teenagers who prove themselves incapable of having healthy lifestyles, is downplaying the concerns that I’ve described.
b. Many parents believe that all non-mainstream environments are infested with students who use drugs and other dangerous vices. Although it’s true that the most popular non-mainstream schools are infested, nevertheless, there are a growing number of alternative environments (Areivim’s multiple residences are just some of them) which have adopted the philosophy that I prescribe. We need to: a) keep them busy, b) help them feel accomplished, and c) surround them with healthy people. While risks can’t be erased, they can be minimized to the point where the advantages make the risks acceptable.
c. It’s important for parents to acknowledge that much of their resistance is due to their fear of their personal shame from others, and their feelings of failure for themselves. Such feelings are natural; however, they don’t need to be addressed now, as the flaw in their reasoning will be evident to any objective person. Parents should be reminded that the personal shame that they’ll experience in later years will be significantly greater, and last longer, than any that they may feel now, if they don’t address the issues.
3) Parents and Mechanchim must stop believing that they always understand their children and students. In many cases they only see their children’s/student's’ outer layer. This creates a misplaced confidence in how well they understand what their children/students are experiencing. This may result in delaying any necessary services for months, and even years later than when they were first needed.
In a similar vein parents/Mechanchim shouldn’t downplay negative behavior. They should acknowledge, without overreacting, that their children/students need medicine or therapists. At the least they should consider these possibilities, and allow someone else to be involved in the decision process.
To those in need of this article
1) The greatest motivator of change is the clarity of having a picture of what you want/expect the outcome to be. Almost everyone has friends that are in different age groups and social circles. This means that 17 year olds may have friends who are 20+ years old, who still aren’t respected because they’re still living a “fake life”, even as they date quality Shidduchim. This should shatter the 17 year olds’ perception that they’ll change when they get older. There are 25 year olds’ who have 30 year old friends, on the brink of divorce, because of their behaviors, which are similar to theirs.
People are generally, even if only subconsciously, aware of the anticipated outcome, but push it to the back of their minds. Don’t do it. Let the outcome (you don’t intervene) confront you every day.
2) Don’t focus on your behaviors; focus on the thoughts that lead to the behaviors. The thoughts are selfish. You believe that you can get away with the minimum requirements; you believe that people will always like and, therefore, forgive you. These myths may have begun as truths, but they planted the seeds of your misguided adulthood. You must confront those myths.
3) Be willing to “let go” of everything you’ve embraced, such as an unwillingness to go out of your comfort zone, or a belief that, “I don’t have to do that”. The process may be painful, but you’ll have to accept it as a part of the healing process. Accept that everything you’ve known to be true may not be true.
4) Your strongest asset will be tenacity. Keep at it every day, despite the feeling that you haven’t changed enough, and/or that no one will notice that you’ve grown.
5) Don’t trust yourself. Your judgment is biased and hasn’t served you well until now. Adopt a Rebbi or some other advisor. Have the strength to allow their decisions to override yours. (Finding the right advisor requires skill, and I’ll gladly walk people through the process.)
If you believe that these five points won’t help you change, it’s because you’re unaccustomed to working hard. This’s the most necessary component of the therapy to change. You have to stop expecting others to find “angles” to fix your inadequacies. It’s time to embrace hard work, and personal responsibility.
In closure: This series of articles may make me appear as an alarmist. Nevertheless, I truly believe that there’s real cause for alarm. I’m asking all of my readers, whether it’s for your children, who are still under your jurisdiction, or a school of several hundred students, to please share these thoughts with those who share your responsibilities, If necessary, please contact me, so that, together, we can make the coming generation a better one than we imagined possible.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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comments, questions & responses from our readers
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Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. I have felt for MANY YEARS that there is something wrong with the assumption that if we just get our kids through school, if they are just stepping into a mainstream school every day and coming home, day after day after day, then they will be OK and we have been successful as parents. I don't know how other parents feel, but I have gone through years of feeling like there is no choice but to keep pushing my kids out the door in the morning and as long as they are still going to school and performing the basic requirements, that is all that matters. I believe that perceptive people can see which students are really OK and which ones are just "pretending", as the article mentions. This is a very big issue because many people think that there are only certain "problem kids" that have "issues" and everyone else is ok, so really there is not such a big problem out there. I believe, as the article states, that there are many children and teens who are not really being successful in school and the issues will come out eventually. We need intervention VERY EARLY ON. Or, we need a different approach to education in general, that incorporates social/emotional skills, not as a nice extra, but as a given!
S.S
S.S
