my concern for the mainstream student, (part TWO of three) by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
Before I discuss what I consider to be the solutions for the issues I raised in part one, I’d like to discuss three areas in which many people have a specific frame of mind and, if they’re left unchanged, it won’t allow them to succeed in life. When people have their “backs to the wall” they act more thoughtfully. This solves the immediate problem created by their selfishness, but it doesn’t make them into better people. Inevitably, more “back to the wall” episodes emerge. These will frustrate them, since they believe that they’re doing more than they ever did before. Nevertheless, their lives won’t improve, because their frame of mind has never changed. They continue to do “almost” enough, almost in time, and almost achieve the desired goal, and believe that they should be appreciated for their efforts.
Instead, in order to succeed in life, as they pass the threshold of teenager to responsible adult, they’ll have to transition their frames of mind from the following three areas:
1) Many teenagers haven’t learned the value of relationships. Many are self-absorbed; doing what makes them feel good. This is true even with boys, and girls, who are Frum, mainstream, and happen to enjoy school. In addition, parenting approaches have evolved, and that’s both good and bad. The fear that parents have of children going “off”, has led many of them to leave their children “alone”, particularly when their children do what they’re supposed to.
Children who are well-behaved, are children who get to do what they want. Really good children, naturally understand the value of relationships. However, there are other children whose behaviors begin to erode, and their parents wonder why they seem less, and less, motivated, as they progress through high school. They wonder why they seem uninterested in religion, and family, and have become less thoughtful than in the past.
2) Many teenagers haven’t learned the importance of having values. They haven’t been taught that keeping their word, or not watching unhealthy things, is bad for them, and/or unfair to others. They don’t understand how anything that interests them can be bad. They don’t know what’s wrong with drinking “just a little”, or staying up all night and sleeping all day, if it doesn’t affect anyone else. Having others lie to them, for example, won’t teach them the lesson that lying hurts others. Instead, they’ll learn that others “do it”, and so can we.
3) Teenagers haven’t learned the value of religion. They may act religious, but they’ve never been given a compelling argument about its value. Although, they may be religious, they won’t sacrifice for it. The number of Yeshiva boys in mainstream Yeshivos who don’t daven, or put on Tefillin, when they aren’t in Yeshiva, is staggering. The same is true for the number of adults who don’t check whether a store item is Kosher, or don’t consider whether it’s been six hours (or whatever their Minhag is), since they’ve eaten meat products before eating dairy.
I took an informal survey of boys in mainstream Yeshivos (I wish I could tell readers the names of those schools). Some of those I asked Davened; others didn’t. I asked them what they thought were the percentages of boys who don’t Daven, or put on Tefillin, if they aren’t prodded? The answers ranged from 20-50%.
It’s difficult to describe the sadness that I feel when I’m told of a boy/girl who, without merit, stayed within the mainstream circle, and will marry someone mainstream. There are two probable outcomes. They may have married someone who shares their lack of relationship skills, values, or appreciation for religion, and they’ll end up in divorce, or an unhappy life. Their spouse may appreciate the value of relationships, and values; however, the marriage will, again, end up in divorce, or in an unhappy life. They may marry someone who shares their lack of appreciation for religion, and shortly after the marriage they’ll be openly irreligious.
Parents in Areivim’s residence often ask me why I don’t “prop” up their children, waking them every morning, pushing them to go to their jobs, or Shiur, as did their previous schools (ignoring the reality that those schools failed). I’ll explain to them that the result of such an approach will be teenagers who’ll appear mainstream, but stop performing as soon as the pressure is off, often within a few months of their marriage. This would be unfair to their spouses, and will make their parents regret taking the “easy way out” during their teenager’s high school, and post high school, years.
B) The second series of events supports what I’ve just described, and unnerved me even more than did the first series of events. This convinced me that the problems that I’ve described won’t improve by themselves. I’ve spoken to dozens of young men, and women, who don’t understand what others, in their lives, want from them. They were the chilled teenagers; the happy go lucky ones, who never understood what was wrong with living “chilled” and, as adults, they still don’t understand what everyone in their lives want from them. Their confusion has led to the exponentially increasing divorce rate and, of course, there’s the greater number of “almost” divorces.
They believe that their efforts constitute “trying”, even though their focus is limited on how difficult it was for them to do whatever they did. They’re still thinking inward, in a self-absorbed manner. They can’t think past the thought that they’ve already spent an hour doing something without any thought, not understanding that, as a father or mother, their children need two hours. Unaware of what a relationship really means, they truly don’t know what their spouse/children/anyone wants from them.
All parents would like to believe that their children mean well, and will understand that they have to grow into their roles as adults. Many readers will consider my thoughts to be directed anywhere, but to their children. However, for every hundred people who read these articles, and should be concerned, the majority won’t. Readers should be careful before placing themselves in the category of those lucky parents whose children “get” it.
I’m also concerned with the boys, and girls, who were teens at risk, and “made it”. They’ve left the world of teen programs, mentors, and the angry attitude that defined them for so many years. They joined Yeshivos or Seminaries and, sometimes, prestigious ones, changed their style of dress, and integrated back into the mainstream society. For the next few years life was bliss. They’ve made it, and enjoy the respect of their parents and friends. In addition, subconsciously, they’ve been given a “free ride” by those around them, thankful that they’ve come back. Sadly, even these “adults” have gaps that need to be addressed, but they won’t be. Not having participated in part, or all of mainstream society, between the ages of 13-19, they’re lacking many skills without which they can’t possibly succeed.
I recently spoke to someone who works with the most difficult of teenagers within the Kiruv Kerovim field. He told me that he’s merited turning many street boys into Yeshiva boys. Nevertheless, he’s aware that the majority of them are “divorces waiting to happen”. The parents consider him, and their children, to be success stories. We both believe that many teenagers are disasters waiting to happen. How can we avoid those disasters?
After writing this article another Rebbi who’s very involved in Kiruv Kerovim, told me, unsolicited, “I’ve stopped working with kids that are off the Derech. The majority of my efforts are with Yeshiva boys in the “top” Yeshivos who are Mechalel Shabbos. In the next article I’ll offer some solutions.
Instead, in order to succeed in life, as they pass the threshold of teenager to responsible adult, they’ll have to transition their frames of mind from the following three areas:
1) Many teenagers haven’t learned the value of relationships. Many are self-absorbed; doing what makes them feel good. This is true even with boys, and girls, who are Frum, mainstream, and happen to enjoy school. In addition, parenting approaches have evolved, and that’s both good and bad. The fear that parents have of children going “off”, has led many of them to leave their children “alone”, particularly when their children do what they’re supposed to.
Children who are well-behaved, are children who get to do what they want. Really good children, naturally understand the value of relationships. However, there are other children whose behaviors begin to erode, and their parents wonder why they seem less, and less, motivated, as they progress through high school. They wonder why they seem uninterested in religion, and family, and have become less thoughtful than in the past.
2) Many teenagers haven’t learned the importance of having values. They haven’t been taught that keeping their word, or not watching unhealthy things, is bad for them, and/or unfair to others. They don’t understand how anything that interests them can be bad. They don’t know what’s wrong with drinking “just a little”, or staying up all night and sleeping all day, if it doesn’t affect anyone else. Having others lie to them, for example, won’t teach them the lesson that lying hurts others. Instead, they’ll learn that others “do it”, and so can we.
3) Teenagers haven’t learned the value of religion. They may act religious, but they’ve never been given a compelling argument about its value. Although, they may be religious, they won’t sacrifice for it. The number of Yeshiva boys in mainstream Yeshivos who don’t daven, or put on Tefillin, when they aren’t in Yeshiva, is staggering. The same is true for the number of adults who don’t check whether a store item is Kosher, or don’t consider whether it’s been six hours (or whatever their Minhag is), since they’ve eaten meat products before eating dairy.
I took an informal survey of boys in mainstream Yeshivos (I wish I could tell readers the names of those schools). Some of those I asked Davened; others didn’t. I asked them what they thought were the percentages of boys who don’t Daven, or put on Tefillin, if they aren’t prodded? The answers ranged from 20-50%.
It’s difficult to describe the sadness that I feel when I’m told of a boy/girl who, without merit, stayed within the mainstream circle, and will marry someone mainstream. There are two probable outcomes. They may have married someone who shares their lack of relationship skills, values, or appreciation for religion, and they’ll end up in divorce, or an unhappy life. Their spouse may appreciate the value of relationships, and values; however, the marriage will, again, end up in divorce, or in an unhappy life. They may marry someone who shares their lack of appreciation for religion, and shortly after the marriage they’ll be openly irreligious.
Parents in Areivim’s residence often ask me why I don’t “prop” up their children, waking them every morning, pushing them to go to their jobs, or Shiur, as did their previous schools (ignoring the reality that those schools failed). I’ll explain to them that the result of such an approach will be teenagers who’ll appear mainstream, but stop performing as soon as the pressure is off, often within a few months of their marriage. This would be unfair to their spouses, and will make their parents regret taking the “easy way out” during their teenager’s high school, and post high school, years.
B) The second series of events supports what I’ve just described, and unnerved me even more than did the first series of events. This convinced me that the problems that I’ve described won’t improve by themselves. I’ve spoken to dozens of young men, and women, who don’t understand what others, in their lives, want from them. They were the chilled teenagers; the happy go lucky ones, who never understood what was wrong with living “chilled” and, as adults, they still don’t understand what everyone in their lives want from them. Their confusion has led to the exponentially increasing divorce rate and, of course, there’s the greater number of “almost” divorces.
They believe that their efforts constitute “trying”, even though their focus is limited on how difficult it was for them to do whatever they did. They’re still thinking inward, in a self-absorbed manner. They can’t think past the thought that they’ve already spent an hour doing something without any thought, not understanding that, as a father or mother, their children need two hours. Unaware of what a relationship really means, they truly don’t know what their spouse/children/anyone wants from them.
All parents would like to believe that their children mean well, and will understand that they have to grow into their roles as adults. Many readers will consider my thoughts to be directed anywhere, but to their children. However, for every hundred people who read these articles, and should be concerned, the majority won’t. Readers should be careful before placing themselves in the category of those lucky parents whose children “get” it.
I’m also concerned with the boys, and girls, who were teens at risk, and “made it”. They’ve left the world of teen programs, mentors, and the angry attitude that defined them for so many years. They joined Yeshivos or Seminaries and, sometimes, prestigious ones, changed their style of dress, and integrated back into the mainstream society. For the next few years life was bliss. They’ve made it, and enjoy the respect of their parents and friends. In addition, subconsciously, they’ve been given a “free ride” by those around them, thankful that they’ve come back. Sadly, even these “adults” have gaps that need to be addressed, but they won’t be. Not having participated in part, or all of mainstream society, between the ages of 13-19, they’re lacking many skills without which they can’t possibly succeed.
I recently spoke to someone who works with the most difficult of teenagers within the Kiruv Kerovim field. He told me that he’s merited turning many street boys into Yeshiva boys. Nevertheless, he’s aware that the majority of them are “divorces waiting to happen”. The parents consider him, and their children, to be success stories. We both believe that many teenagers are disasters waiting to happen. How can we avoid those disasters?
After writing this article another Rebbi who’s very involved in Kiruv Kerovim, told me, unsolicited, “I’ve stopped working with kids that are off the Derech. The majority of my efforts are with Yeshiva boys in the “top” Yeshivos who are Mechalel Shabbos. In the next article I’ll offer some solutions.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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comments, questions & responses from our readers
The content of these comments are strictly the opinion of our readers & do not necessarily reflect the views of Areivim.
Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. I have felt for MANY YEARS that there is something wrong with the assumption that if we just get our kids through school, if they are just stepping into a mainstream school every day and coming home, day after day after day, then they will be OK and we have been successful as parents. I don't know how other parents feel, but I have gone through years of feeling like there is no choice but to keep pushing my kids out the door in the morning and as long as they are still going to school and performing the basic requirements, that is all that matters. I believe that perceptive people can see which students are really OK and which ones are just "pretending", as the article mentions. This is a very big issue because many people think that there are only certain "problem kids" that have "issues" and everyone else is ok, so really there is not such a big problem out there. I believe, as the article states, that there are many children and teens who are not really being successful in school and the issues will come out eventually. We need intervention VERY EARLY ON. Or, we need a different approach to education in general, that incorporates social/emotional skills, not as a nice extra, but as a given!
S.S
S.S
Thanks for the article... we are working hard to try to implement ur advice (specifically in regards to my daughter vs. my struggling son). May Hashem continue to give you the strength and wherewithal to continue to help and inspire people going through difficult times.
M.F
M.F
