my concern for the mainstream student, (part one of three) by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
There’s a lot of discussion about today’s youth, their challenges, and the ongoing debate of what are we supposed to be doing to fix this problem and whether that would be enough, or, if we are only Band-Aiding, the problem.
To some degree, Areivim lives in a bubble. We see boys, and girls, who are already a “problem”, and try to help them with their challenges. Areivim recognizes the need to “fix”, and not to Band-Aid. Fixing is defined as making teenagers, and young adults, become healthy, adults, spouses, and parents. Band-aiding, by making them less angry, and getting them jobs, isn’t enough to help the Frum community become healthier.
I’ve recently come into close contact with a large segment of teenagers, and young adults, who are considered mainstream, healthy, and successful. For reasons that I’ll describe, I’ve become aware that helping the at-risk/in-crisis segment of our community isn’t going to be enough to guarantee a healthier community. Teenagers, and young adults, in greater numbers than most people recognize, or are willing to admit, have mastered the art of pretending to be well-adjusted. Pretending, by attending mainstream schools, by attending Davening when they’re with their family or in Yeshiva, etc., “works”, but only until life really “matters”, such as after marriage. However, by then it’s “too late”, and their true self becomes exposed, the self which should’ve been recognized, and confronted, during their teenage, and young adult, years.
The intent of these articles is to increase the awareness, and rally our communities, to notice, and acknowledge, the existence of hundreds of mainstream boys, and girls, who aren’t really mainstream.
I’ll describe my recent experiences, and what I believe will be necessary to cure the present epidemic. These articles will also be therapeutic for me, as it’ll lessen the frustration I experience observing people who live a “fake” life. They wait for the opportunity to live as they’d like to, without any thought of the damage they’re causing to themselves, their families, and communities.
Two independent series of events have compelled me to write these articles.
A) The first was that our move to Hillburn N.Y. required us to invite guests for Shabbos. We insisted on looking for Yeshiva boys who’d appreciate Shabbos, Shabbos meals, and to be around healthy people.
We’ve invited many boys from B+ Yeshivos, and found that they don’t Daven despite the fact that was the reason, and the explicit condition, for being invited (demonstrating a lack of personal values). They don’t know how to apologize (demonstrating a lack of social life skills), and sometimes they aren’t even Shomer Shabbos (demonstrating a lack of being religious). What was sadder was their assumption that their behavior was the nom. They asked whether there was hot water to take a shower on Shabbos, and asked a married man if he knew where they could find “wrong places” after Shabbos. There was no shame.
In general, my advice has been to tell teenagers to stay in mainstream schools, if they’re able to. Belonging to a mainstream school will make it easier for them to integrate into the mainstream community later on in life. Recently, I’ve found that the majority of these teenagers don’t have the maturity to become healthy. Instead, for the remainder of their lives, they’ll hover around a healthy crowd, performing the minimal requirements to “belong”.
Some of them have deliberately avoided non-mainstream environments, because they knew that the staff would scrutinize them. Instead, they chose to “hide” in mainstream schools. Their parents are happy because they can continue to believe that their children want to grow.
Fulfilling the minimal requirements to belong to a mainstream school would be sufficient, except that most teenagers don’t really know what they are. Therefore, when they become adults, spouses, and parents, they still apply them, even though requirements will have increased in adulthood. Their error, both as teenagers, and adults, is that they focus only on what’s asked of them, and not with the quality expected. They do tasks and don’t care whether, or not, they achieve the desired results as long as they “did them”. Caring about a relationship means finishing things in time, “cleaning” up when they didn’t do ”it”, and doing it with a smile. This is an important point on which I’d like to elaborate.
People who live inward, and focus only on themselves, don’t understand enough about relationships to attempt to build one. They don’t see anything wrong with producing the minimal requirement, the amount needed to be “almost” enough, almost in time, and almost achieving a desired goal.
Within the mainstream Yeshivas/Bais Yaakovs, there are many boys, and girls, who hide their true selfishness behind their nice personality and easygoingness. They won’t do anything that don’t want to do, and don’t see anything wrong with that. Unless the community intervenes, they’ll “grow up” thinking the same, pleasant, easy going, and selfish, way.
It doesn’t seem to bother them when, four out of five times, they come to Minyan five minutes late, and people have to wait for them. The fifth time they don’t show up. As an adult who works with teenagers, I’d still consider this a success, since they’re “trying”. They are, after all, teenagers, who can’t be expected to act responsibly. Nevertheless, if they don’t grow beyond this level of performance, they’d be epic failures. Getting it, almost, right most of the time in any other relationship, such as with a spouse and parents is not enough.
Joining any of Areivim’s multiple residences, requires teenagers to accept four rules. One of those rules is to be healthy (or, as I like to say, normal). Initially, the teenager will smirk, and say that normal is an arbitrary word, until I explain what I mean. Normal is any behavior that’ll be accepted by a spouse, boss, co-worker, tenant, landlord, etc. Anything that isn’t considered acceptable in a typical society, isn’t accepted in our residences. Although implementing this rule may be difficult, it’s the bar that Areivim has created for its “family”.
I realize that teenagers, who aren’t well adjusted, such as some of our Shabbos guests, may eventually “grow up” after they get married, and that their parents may consider me overreacting. I disagree, because I’ve observed many of them as adults, and they’ve never passed beyond the selfish stage. They’ve remained self-absorbed, even though their growth has allowed them to act “nicer” in many circumstances. The majority of teens will not grasp the need to perform beyond their comfort zones. They’ll always do “almost” enough, be almost in time, and only almost achieve their desired goals.
To some degree, Areivim lives in a bubble. We see boys, and girls, who are already a “problem”, and try to help them with their challenges. Areivim recognizes the need to “fix”, and not to Band-Aid. Fixing is defined as making teenagers, and young adults, become healthy, adults, spouses, and parents. Band-aiding, by making them less angry, and getting them jobs, isn’t enough to help the Frum community become healthier.
I’ve recently come into close contact with a large segment of teenagers, and young adults, who are considered mainstream, healthy, and successful. For reasons that I’ll describe, I’ve become aware that helping the at-risk/in-crisis segment of our community isn’t going to be enough to guarantee a healthier community. Teenagers, and young adults, in greater numbers than most people recognize, or are willing to admit, have mastered the art of pretending to be well-adjusted. Pretending, by attending mainstream schools, by attending Davening when they’re with their family or in Yeshiva, etc., “works”, but only until life really “matters”, such as after marriage. However, by then it’s “too late”, and their true self becomes exposed, the self which should’ve been recognized, and confronted, during their teenage, and young adult, years.
The intent of these articles is to increase the awareness, and rally our communities, to notice, and acknowledge, the existence of hundreds of mainstream boys, and girls, who aren’t really mainstream.
I’ll describe my recent experiences, and what I believe will be necessary to cure the present epidemic. These articles will also be therapeutic for me, as it’ll lessen the frustration I experience observing people who live a “fake” life. They wait for the opportunity to live as they’d like to, without any thought of the damage they’re causing to themselves, their families, and communities.
Two independent series of events have compelled me to write these articles.
A) The first was that our move to Hillburn N.Y. required us to invite guests for Shabbos. We insisted on looking for Yeshiva boys who’d appreciate Shabbos, Shabbos meals, and to be around healthy people.
We’ve invited many boys from B+ Yeshivos, and found that they don’t Daven despite the fact that was the reason, and the explicit condition, for being invited (demonstrating a lack of personal values). They don’t know how to apologize (demonstrating a lack of social life skills), and sometimes they aren’t even Shomer Shabbos (demonstrating a lack of being religious). What was sadder was their assumption that their behavior was the nom. They asked whether there was hot water to take a shower on Shabbos, and asked a married man if he knew where they could find “wrong places” after Shabbos. There was no shame.
In general, my advice has been to tell teenagers to stay in mainstream schools, if they’re able to. Belonging to a mainstream school will make it easier for them to integrate into the mainstream community later on in life. Recently, I’ve found that the majority of these teenagers don’t have the maturity to become healthy. Instead, for the remainder of their lives, they’ll hover around a healthy crowd, performing the minimal requirements to “belong”.
Some of them have deliberately avoided non-mainstream environments, because they knew that the staff would scrutinize them. Instead, they chose to “hide” in mainstream schools. Their parents are happy because they can continue to believe that their children want to grow.
Fulfilling the minimal requirements to belong to a mainstream school would be sufficient, except that most teenagers don’t really know what they are. Therefore, when they become adults, spouses, and parents, they still apply them, even though requirements will have increased in adulthood. Their error, both as teenagers, and adults, is that they focus only on what’s asked of them, and not with the quality expected. They do tasks and don’t care whether, or not, they achieve the desired results as long as they “did them”. Caring about a relationship means finishing things in time, “cleaning” up when they didn’t do ”it”, and doing it with a smile. This is an important point on which I’d like to elaborate.
People who live inward, and focus only on themselves, don’t understand enough about relationships to attempt to build one. They don’t see anything wrong with producing the minimal requirement, the amount needed to be “almost” enough, almost in time, and almost achieving a desired goal.
Within the mainstream Yeshivas/Bais Yaakovs, there are many boys, and girls, who hide their true selfishness behind their nice personality and easygoingness. They won’t do anything that don’t want to do, and don’t see anything wrong with that. Unless the community intervenes, they’ll “grow up” thinking the same, pleasant, easy going, and selfish, way.
It doesn’t seem to bother them when, four out of five times, they come to Minyan five minutes late, and people have to wait for them. The fifth time they don’t show up. As an adult who works with teenagers, I’d still consider this a success, since they’re “trying”. They are, after all, teenagers, who can’t be expected to act responsibly. Nevertheless, if they don’t grow beyond this level of performance, they’d be epic failures. Getting it, almost, right most of the time in any other relationship, such as with a spouse and parents is not enough.
Joining any of Areivim’s multiple residences, requires teenagers to accept four rules. One of those rules is to be healthy (or, as I like to say, normal). Initially, the teenager will smirk, and say that normal is an arbitrary word, until I explain what I mean. Normal is any behavior that’ll be accepted by a spouse, boss, co-worker, tenant, landlord, etc. Anything that isn’t considered acceptable in a typical society, isn’t accepted in our residences. Although implementing this rule may be difficult, it’s the bar that Areivim has created for its “family”.
I realize that teenagers, who aren’t well adjusted, such as some of our Shabbos guests, may eventually “grow up” after they get married, and that their parents may consider me overreacting. I disagree, because I’ve observed many of them as adults, and they’ve never passed beyond the selfish stage. They’ve remained self-absorbed, even though their growth has allowed them to act “nicer” in many circumstances. The majority of teens will not grasp the need to perform beyond their comfort zones. They’ll always do “almost” enough, be almost in time, and only almost achieve their desired goals.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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comments, questions & responses from our readers
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Thank you so much for bringing up this topic. I have felt for MANY YEARS that there is something wrong with the assumption that if we just get our kids through school, if they are just stepping into a mainstream school every day and coming home, day after day after day, then they will be OK and we have been successful as parents. I don't know how other parents feel, but I have gone through years of feeling like there is no choice but to keep pushing my kids out the door in the morning and as long as they are still going to school and performing the basic requirements, that is all that matters. I believe that perceptive people can see which students are really OK and which ones are just "pretending", as the article mentions. This is a very big issue because many people think that there are only certain "problem kids" that have "issues" and everyone else is ok, so really there is not such a big problem out there. I believe, as the article states, that there are many children and teens who are not really being successful in school and the issues will come out eventually. We need intervention VERY EARLY ON. Or, we need a different approach to education in general, that incorporates social/emotional skills, not as a nice extra, but as a given!
S.S
S.S
Thanks for the article... we are working hard to try to implement ur advice (specifically in regards to my daughter vs. my struggling son). May Hashem continue to give you the strength and wherewithal to continue to help and inspire people going through difficult times.
M.F
M.F