Looking Back, in Order to Help Others Look Forward, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
The thoughts in this article were originally said at the Hillburn community Rosh Chodesh get-together for women.
As I’ve become older, I’ve found that my priorities have changed. I’m certain that I’m no different from most people. Most parents of young children place a strong emphasis on tucking in their shirts, going to bed exactly on time, and a myriad of other details. Looking back at that time period, older parents may ask themselves, “Did those details really matter? Did they significantly affect the adult child who’s standing in front of me?” When people get older they begin to realize that the disappointment, and stress, created by the belief that those details were important, had a greater, and most often a negative, effect on their children, than if they’d have allowed them to walk around looking messy.
People’s perspectives change when they become older because they’ve experienced many more things, over longer periods of time, than when they were younger. They’ve seen events from the beginning to the end. They’ve seen whether/how the habits of their young children, have affected the children, now that they’re adults. They’ve also seen whether/how their responses to their children’s actions twenty years earlier, have affected them as adults. In addition, when parents become older they’re generally more confident, and see things from less biased, “clearer”, eyes.
What I’d like to offer everyone, tonight, is an opportunity to see their children from a grandfather’s eyes, while you’re still young parents of young children. Accepting my perspective, and advice, will require a large amount of blind faith, since it may not make sense to you.
I’m going to offer you ten pieces of advice, which I won’t explain because they’re simple to appreciate, and explaining them would create the false assumption that they can be debated, or limited, in their application. Of course, there are always exceptions; nevertheless, they’re broad rules which can be applied in most circumstances.
I’m confident that applying them will significantly enhance the quality of people’s lives, marriages, and children, and, thereby, the entire home. (Although this was said to women, I’ve adjusted it to apply to both men and women.)
1) If you don’t smile when you greet your spouse/child, it won’t matter how nice you look.
2) Husbands won’t remember the messy rooms, paper plates, or leftover meals, and wives won’t remember the messy office, or garage, as much as they’ll remember an unhappy attitude. Children won’t remember any of the messes when they’re older, but they’ll certainly remember the unhappy attitude.
3) People can lie in one of two ways. They can lie to others, be honest with themselves, and acknowledge to themselves that they’re lying to others. What’s even worse is that they can lie to themselves, and believe that they’re telling others the truth.
Spouses and parents should stop saying that they aren’t stressed, or angry, when they are. Everyone else knows the truth. This’ll only increase whatever problems exist. Instead, they should take a deep breath and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m really stressed right now.”
4) People should realize that most of their views are nothing more than their own perspectives. Those perspectives may be correct, but it doesn’t mean that other people’s perspectives aren’t also, and may be even more, correct.
Perspectives are greatly affected by age, gender, and culture and, therefore, other people’s may be as valid as yours. Be sensitive before you reject anyone’s views and, if you do, do it with respect.
5) Money would be really important if there weren’t so many other things that are much more important.
6) Always ask yourself whether it’s worth getting into an argument over “this”? By the next morning, most arguments were probably not worthwhile, and they also weren’t worthwhile during the argument.
7) People should always try to transform themselves into better people, and not give the impression that they’re already “perfect”. Doing what’s correct will, eventually, cause them to be recognized for the better people that they are. Doing what makes them look better will, eventually, cause others to realize that they aren’t such good people.
Doing what’s correct requires people to have the guts to send their children to schools that are good for them, and not to the ones that are rated highest by the community. If you need to see a therapist, see one, even if it’s embarrassing, and if necessary, take medication. Do whatever it takes to make you, and your family, into the best that you, and they, can become.
8) Very few things really matter, but those that do, truly, matter. “Figure out” which ones truly matter, and put the others on the “back burner”. I suggest that what really should matter are Hashem, relationships, and physical, and emotional, health. Remember that most other things are privileges. If it won’t “cost” you in any of the areas that matter, get them, otherwise, forget them.
9) Take better care of yourselves when you’re young, by avoiding irreversible mistakes. For example, the condition of people’s teeth at the age of 70 will depend on how well they maintained them when they were 30. The quality of their relationship with their adult children will be dependent on how well the children were treated when they were teenagers and younger.
10) Always remember to make others feel good about themselves when you’re talking to them. If you succeed, you’ll be able to ask them to do almost anything for you. On the other hand, if you insist on making sure that you feel good about yourself at the end of any conversation, you won’t be able to ask them for anything, and you won’t feel good about yourself.
11) For good measure I’m throwing in one extra piece of advice. People will never regret living a life that’s greater than for themselves. Be kind to others, and undertake projects (if they don’t interfere with your other responsibilities). Don’t live a petty life. When people look back, years later, they don’t regret the sacrifices that they made in order to live fulfilled lives.
Please take these eleven pieces of advice to heart, not just in concept, by taking action. You’ll be happy that you did, and you won’t be consumed with regret when you get older.
If you’d like to be invited to the coming Rosh Chodesh get together, please contact us at Thehillburncommunity@gmail.com.
As I’ve become older, I’ve found that my priorities have changed. I’m certain that I’m no different from most people. Most parents of young children place a strong emphasis on tucking in their shirts, going to bed exactly on time, and a myriad of other details. Looking back at that time period, older parents may ask themselves, “Did those details really matter? Did they significantly affect the adult child who’s standing in front of me?” When people get older they begin to realize that the disappointment, and stress, created by the belief that those details were important, had a greater, and most often a negative, effect on their children, than if they’d have allowed them to walk around looking messy.
People’s perspectives change when they become older because they’ve experienced many more things, over longer periods of time, than when they were younger. They’ve seen events from the beginning to the end. They’ve seen whether/how the habits of their young children, have affected the children, now that they’re adults. They’ve also seen whether/how their responses to their children’s actions twenty years earlier, have affected them as adults. In addition, when parents become older they’re generally more confident, and see things from less biased, “clearer”, eyes.
What I’d like to offer everyone, tonight, is an opportunity to see their children from a grandfather’s eyes, while you’re still young parents of young children. Accepting my perspective, and advice, will require a large amount of blind faith, since it may not make sense to you.
I’m going to offer you ten pieces of advice, which I won’t explain because they’re simple to appreciate, and explaining them would create the false assumption that they can be debated, or limited, in their application. Of course, there are always exceptions; nevertheless, they’re broad rules which can be applied in most circumstances.
I’m confident that applying them will significantly enhance the quality of people’s lives, marriages, and children, and, thereby, the entire home. (Although this was said to women, I’ve adjusted it to apply to both men and women.)
1) If you don’t smile when you greet your spouse/child, it won’t matter how nice you look.
2) Husbands won’t remember the messy rooms, paper plates, or leftover meals, and wives won’t remember the messy office, or garage, as much as they’ll remember an unhappy attitude. Children won’t remember any of the messes when they’re older, but they’ll certainly remember the unhappy attitude.
3) People can lie in one of two ways. They can lie to others, be honest with themselves, and acknowledge to themselves that they’re lying to others. What’s even worse is that they can lie to themselves, and believe that they’re telling others the truth.
Spouses and parents should stop saying that they aren’t stressed, or angry, when they are. Everyone else knows the truth. This’ll only increase whatever problems exist. Instead, they should take a deep breath and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m really stressed right now.”
4) People should realize that most of their views are nothing more than their own perspectives. Those perspectives may be correct, but it doesn’t mean that other people’s perspectives aren’t also, and may be even more, correct.
Perspectives are greatly affected by age, gender, and culture and, therefore, other people’s may be as valid as yours. Be sensitive before you reject anyone’s views and, if you do, do it with respect.
5) Money would be really important if there weren’t so many other things that are much more important.
6) Always ask yourself whether it’s worth getting into an argument over “this”? By the next morning, most arguments were probably not worthwhile, and they also weren’t worthwhile during the argument.
7) People should always try to transform themselves into better people, and not give the impression that they’re already “perfect”. Doing what’s correct will, eventually, cause them to be recognized for the better people that they are. Doing what makes them look better will, eventually, cause others to realize that they aren’t such good people.
Doing what’s correct requires people to have the guts to send their children to schools that are good for them, and not to the ones that are rated highest by the community. If you need to see a therapist, see one, even if it’s embarrassing, and if necessary, take medication. Do whatever it takes to make you, and your family, into the best that you, and they, can become.
8) Very few things really matter, but those that do, truly, matter. “Figure out” which ones truly matter, and put the others on the “back burner”. I suggest that what really should matter are Hashem, relationships, and physical, and emotional, health. Remember that most other things are privileges. If it won’t “cost” you in any of the areas that matter, get them, otherwise, forget them.
9) Take better care of yourselves when you’re young, by avoiding irreversible mistakes. For example, the condition of people’s teeth at the age of 70 will depend on how well they maintained them when they were 30. The quality of their relationship with their adult children will be dependent on how well the children were treated when they were teenagers and younger.
10) Always remember to make others feel good about themselves when you’re talking to them. If you succeed, you’ll be able to ask them to do almost anything for you. On the other hand, if you insist on making sure that you feel good about yourself at the end of any conversation, you won’t be able to ask them for anything, and you won’t feel good about yourself.
11) For good measure I’m throwing in one extra piece of advice. People will never regret living a life that’s greater than for themselves. Be kind to others, and undertake projects (if they don’t interfere with your other responsibilities). Don’t live a petty life. When people look back, years later, they don’t regret the sacrifices that they made in order to live fulfilled lives.
Please take these eleven pieces of advice to heart, not just in concept, by taking action. You’ll be happy that you did, and you won’t be consumed with regret when you get older.
If you’d like to be invited to the coming Rosh Chodesh get together, please contact us at Thehillburncommunity@gmail.com.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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