Feeling under seige, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
As most of my readers know, Areivim has started a new community, in Hillburn, N.Y. a few minutes from Monsey. In doing this, we’re faced with the challenge of interacting with an existing community, most of whom have never lived next to, or known, Frum people. The challenge has become even more difficult, because Frum people are often stereotyped as overbuilders, keeping their properties unkempt, and being insensitive to others. I took it as a personal challenge to see if it would be possible to build a community, friendship, trust, and a feeling of partnering. Is it possible to avoid the usual resistance found when new communities begin in non-Jewish neighborhoods?
We’ve been living here for a few months and, so far, I’ve found no resistance. I’ve found a community willing to accommodate us, wave at us when we walk past, and offer to come to our home and help us unpack. When one neighbor, heard that I walked 12 miles to Shul, and back, for the first few weeks, he asked me if I would be allowed to get into a car if someone else drives it. What are we doing right?
I’d like to describe what I believe we’re doing right. I recently observed an incident while I was waiting to pay for a traffic ticket. As many people have experienced, judges become extremely upset when cell phones ring in court. As I waited my turn, a few rows behind me, a cell phone in a Talis bag rang. The judge asked the person next to the bag if it was his phone. He responded that it wasn’t, and that he didn’t know whose it was. The judge asked him to bring the bag to the front, so that she could see who would claim it.
After the same person who denied knowing who the phone belonged to spoke to the judge, he picked up the bag and started walking out of the courtroom. In disbelief, the judge asked him why he said he didn’t know who owned the phone if it was his. The person responded that, “It’s my bag, but I had no idea whose phone it. Then I remembered that it must have been my brother in law who left it there”. He walked out probably thinking that he “beat the system”, because he had an answer that couldn’t be disproved.
However, he’s unaware that he left a permanent bad mark on the minds of all of those in the courtroom. He didn’t beat the system. The judge, and all of us in the room know that he thinks we’re gullible and “bought” his story. He’s also unaware that what took place in the court will have a ripple effect outside of the courtroom. The non-Jews will be biased against other Jews who’ve done nothing wrong, and would never lie about being the owner of the phone.
I believe that when Frum people move into a new community, they often behave in a manner that makes the community believe that they’re under siege. Some Frum people will purchase several properties side by side, and immediately request multiple variances. Sometimes, they don’t respect the quiet, and cleanliness, standards of the neighbors. When I introduced myself to one of my neighbors, she said that she had stereotyped me, assumed that I wouldn’t say hello, and would ignore those who live around me.
Such behavior makes the community believe that they’re being “taken over”, hence the feeling of being under siege. This makes it understandable why they may respond in a manner that the Frum community could interpret as being anti-Semitic. In reality, the “pushing back” by the neighborhood didn’t begin as anti-Semitism (although it may have evolved into it), but as a legitimate attempt to protect their neighborhood.
In addition to the value that this message has on a communal level, it also has value on a personal level. Recently, a father forwarded me an e-mail he received from his son asking him to appreciate that he would always be different from his father, and that it didn’t mean that he was any “worse”; he was just not “made” the same way as his father.
Woven throughout the e-mail were unnecessary “defenses” of many of the areas in which he differed from his father, including his religious level. Why did he defend himself against accusations that were never made? The answer is one of the many intangible attitudes that affect interpersonal relationships.
The son feels under siege by his parents who, he believes, are critical of him in multiple areas. This belief caused him to defend himself, not to make himself “better”, but to protect his turf, and avoid being “beaten” and “turned” into a “nobody”.
The sad part of this situation is that, in many cases, these types of parents also feel under siege by their children who, they believe, are always demanding things from them. This will cause parents to lash out at their children, when they make the slightest requests, because they believe that those requests are part of an ongoing onslaught of unfair demands. Correcting this relationship can be difficult.
Here are some thoughts to help people improve themselves when there’s a mutual feeling of being under siege:
1) When people sense the need to become defensive when they’re innocently asked for a favor, they shouldn’t automatically “read” into it. It may be trivial, and only become meaningful because more was “read” into it than it deserved. The person “reading” into the request, has an under siege mentality.
Previous incidents will frequently legitimize people to feel under siege. Nevertheless, the present incident may be harmless and, without “proof” that the request was anything more than simple, people must avoid the under siege mentality.
2) I often find myself frustrated for what I, initially, thought was a legitimate reason. “Stepping” back, I realized that I was playing mind games with myself. It was I, not the other person, who was the enemy. When that realization “hit” me, I felt humbled, a little stupid and, surprisingly, energized to do my best to make this incident end effectively.
People would be surprised to know how one, such, decision, can break the negative momentum, when both sides believe that they’re under siege. A moment of objectivity can change a really toxic relationship into a healthy one, that’s built on mutual respect.
We’ve been living here for a few months and, so far, I’ve found no resistance. I’ve found a community willing to accommodate us, wave at us when we walk past, and offer to come to our home and help us unpack. When one neighbor, heard that I walked 12 miles to Shul, and back, for the first few weeks, he asked me if I would be allowed to get into a car if someone else drives it. What are we doing right?
I’d like to describe what I believe we’re doing right. I recently observed an incident while I was waiting to pay for a traffic ticket. As many people have experienced, judges become extremely upset when cell phones ring in court. As I waited my turn, a few rows behind me, a cell phone in a Talis bag rang. The judge asked the person next to the bag if it was his phone. He responded that it wasn’t, and that he didn’t know whose it was. The judge asked him to bring the bag to the front, so that she could see who would claim it.
After the same person who denied knowing who the phone belonged to spoke to the judge, he picked up the bag and started walking out of the courtroom. In disbelief, the judge asked him why he said he didn’t know who owned the phone if it was his. The person responded that, “It’s my bag, but I had no idea whose phone it. Then I remembered that it must have been my brother in law who left it there”. He walked out probably thinking that he “beat the system”, because he had an answer that couldn’t be disproved.
However, he’s unaware that he left a permanent bad mark on the minds of all of those in the courtroom. He didn’t beat the system. The judge, and all of us in the room know that he thinks we’re gullible and “bought” his story. He’s also unaware that what took place in the court will have a ripple effect outside of the courtroom. The non-Jews will be biased against other Jews who’ve done nothing wrong, and would never lie about being the owner of the phone.
I believe that when Frum people move into a new community, they often behave in a manner that makes the community believe that they’re under siege. Some Frum people will purchase several properties side by side, and immediately request multiple variances. Sometimes, they don’t respect the quiet, and cleanliness, standards of the neighbors. When I introduced myself to one of my neighbors, she said that she had stereotyped me, assumed that I wouldn’t say hello, and would ignore those who live around me.
Such behavior makes the community believe that they’re being “taken over”, hence the feeling of being under siege. This makes it understandable why they may respond in a manner that the Frum community could interpret as being anti-Semitic. In reality, the “pushing back” by the neighborhood didn’t begin as anti-Semitism (although it may have evolved into it), but as a legitimate attempt to protect their neighborhood.
In addition to the value that this message has on a communal level, it also has value on a personal level. Recently, a father forwarded me an e-mail he received from his son asking him to appreciate that he would always be different from his father, and that it didn’t mean that he was any “worse”; he was just not “made” the same way as his father.
Woven throughout the e-mail were unnecessary “defenses” of many of the areas in which he differed from his father, including his religious level. Why did he defend himself against accusations that were never made? The answer is one of the many intangible attitudes that affect interpersonal relationships.
The son feels under siege by his parents who, he believes, are critical of him in multiple areas. This belief caused him to defend himself, not to make himself “better”, but to protect his turf, and avoid being “beaten” and “turned” into a “nobody”.
The sad part of this situation is that, in many cases, these types of parents also feel under siege by their children who, they believe, are always demanding things from them. This will cause parents to lash out at their children, when they make the slightest requests, because they believe that those requests are part of an ongoing onslaught of unfair demands. Correcting this relationship can be difficult.
Here are some thoughts to help people improve themselves when there’s a mutual feeling of being under siege:
1) When people sense the need to become defensive when they’re innocently asked for a favor, they shouldn’t automatically “read” into it. It may be trivial, and only become meaningful because more was “read” into it than it deserved. The person “reading” into the request, has an under siege mentality.
Previous incidents will frequently legitimize people to feel under siege. Nevertheless, the present incident may be harmless and, without “proof” that the request was anything more than simple, people must avoid the under siege mentality.
2) I often find myself frustrated for what I, initially, thought was a legitimate reason. “Stepping” back, I realized that I was playing mind games with myself. It was I, not the other person, who was the enemy. When that realization “hit” me, I felt humbled, a little stupid and, surprisingly, energized to do my best to make this incident end effectively.
People would be surprised to know how one, such, decision, can break the negative momentum, when both sides believe that they’re under siege. A moment of objectivity can change a really toxic relationship into a healthy one, that’s built on mutual respect.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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