Destroying Motivation & Support In Seconds, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
Some people are more popular than others, and many people are willing to help them when a need arises. Other people can’t get anyone to care about them. Many people believe that popularity is dependent on talents (sports, education, voice), or personalities (sense of humor, empathy) and, if they don’t possess those traits, there’s nothing that they can do to become popular enough to have people willing to help them when a need arises. I’d like to suggest that there are other, less known, more significant, factors, that could significantly increase people’s popularity.
I’ve learned that it’s not words that “decide” the precise message conveyed to others , from an experiment that my brother and I did many years ago on our dog. We called the dog “stupid” in a soothing voice. (While animals don’t understand words, they understand sounds. They run to their master when they hear the word “food”, or attack someone when they hear the word “attack”.) Her response was to run towards us with her tail wagging. Then, we said “good dog” in an angry tone. The dog would react in a sad manner and sulk. People aren’t very different.
Since then, I’ve observed that when people communicate, whether it’s by speaking or listening, they’re only paying attention to the tangible part of the conversation, the words that are being said. They’re often unaware that, subconsciously, they’re paying more attention to the intangible parts of the communication, such as the body language, and tone of voice, that partner with their choice of words.
I noticed the power of the intangible message when, for example, I placed the blame for a problem on the people who came to me with the problem. In most cases they didn’t become insulted. Instead, they left with a smile, were appreciative of the time that I spent with them, and wanted to come back for another meeting. Why would they want to return when, in the previous meeting, I blamed them for the problem for which they wanted me to blame others?
The reason people don’t usually become offended when they speak to me is because I try to make certain that my unspoken words show confidence, and not disappointment, in them, partnering, and not a rejection of them. People don’t care how critical others are of them. They’re only concerned with what others think of them. If people believe that others think positively of them, they’ll accept anything that they’re being told. If they think that people think poorly of them, they’ll become offended even by a sincere compliment.
Since an unspoken message is more important than a spoken one, popularity levels are more affected by unspoken messages, than the actual words. I’d like to share some common examples. These are examples that people may consider obvious when they observe them in others, nevertheless, they’re prone to do the same to others.
My goal is to help people become more self-aware, and, thereby, increase the number of people who are motivated, and willing, to help them. The more that people are aware that the unspoken message is infused in their verbal message, the more they’ll carefully choose their words, and how they’ll say them. Their newfound awareness will result in more positive messages.
The following examples may not seem intangible, since I have to describe them through words; nevertheless, I consider them intangible because the actual words are meaningless. It’s usually the tone, and the underlying message, conveyed, that destroys the motivation of others to help. I’m asking the readers to visualize the tone of voice, and body language, when they read these examples.
1) People often call me for help. As I begin to offer to them a solution for their problem, they’ll interrupt me with two words that irk me more than do most words. They’ll say “I’m confused”. While I may be speaking too quickly, or making false assumptions, in most cases, the proper response would be, “please repeat what you said or, I didn’t understand” or, “try me again, I think I missed what you were trying to tell me”.
Interrupting me by say, “I’m confused”, conveys the message that this is too much for you, and that I shouldn’t bother repeating what I just said. This lack of understanding seems to me to be more of an agenda (to act confused and/or helpless), than that they’re missing the point. I know that they don’t intend to convey that message, but they’re also unaware that their tone of voice conveyed an attitude of being resigned to failure.
When I get the feeling that I’m speaking to someone who’s “happy” with failure, my motivation to help gets “sucked” out of me almost immediately, and it takes significant energy to start again. I certainly won’t pick up the phone the next time they call, as quickly as I will for other people.
2) Many people find it difficult to ask for help because they feel inferior to the person from whom they’re asking for help. To counter this feeling of inferiority, some of them will insert within their request the message that they’re much smarter, and have a better grasp of the situation, than those who created the problem, or even the one from whom they’re asking for help. They’re actually “talking down” to these people.
3) People don’t want to help “bottomless pits”. People who convey a message that the world isn’t fair, that they’re martyrs, that they’ll make similar, mistakes, multiple more times, will “kill” anyone’s motivation to help. Why help someone if the result won’t be positive?
When one of the three above dialogues takes place, it becomes difficult for both sides to “fix” the problem. My experiences have shown me, that those problems were created because each side believed that they were the victim.
Those people who convey negative vibes, are usually unaware that they do it. They feel mistreated when people don’t offer to help, or renege on an earlier commitment to help. However, those people offering to help often believe that they’re the victims, for offering to help someone who won’t appreciate, accept, or gain from the offer.
Those people who believe that they’re never allowed “inside the circle”, should consider this article’s message as a possibility as to why they’re being excluded. They should “listen” to themselves when they speak to others, and ”play back” their words. They should visualize their body language, and reenact it as if they were “outside of themselves”. With objectivity, they’ll find that they’re not the victims, and have control of their lives and future. Anyone who believes that s/he needs further guidance should call our office for assistance.
I’ve learned that it’s not words that “decide” the precise message conveyed to others , from an experiment that my brother and I did many years ago on our dog. We called the dog “stupid” in a soothing voice. (While animals don’t understand words, they understand sounds. They run to their master when they hear the word “food”, or attack someone when they hear the word “attack”.) Her response was to run towards us with her tail wagging. Then, we said “good dog” in an angry tone. The dog would react in a sad manner and sulk. People aren’t very different.
Since then, I’ve observed that when people communicate, whether it’s by speaking or listening, they’re only paying attention to the tangible part of the conversation, the words that are being said. They’re often unaware that, subconsciously, they’re paying more attention to the intangible parts of the communication, such as the body language, and tone of voice, that partner with their choice of words.
I noticed the power of the intangible message when, for example, I placed the blame for a problem on the people who came to me with the problem. In most cases they didn’t become insulted. Instead, they left with a smile, were appreciative of the time that I spent with them, and wanted to come back for another meeting. Why would they want to return when, in the previous meeting, I blamed them for the problem for which they wanted me to blame others?
The reason people don’t usually become offended when they speak to me is because I try to make certain that my unspoken words show confidence, and not disappointment, in them, partnering, and not a rejection of them. People don’t care how critical others are of them. They’re only concerned with what others think of them. If people believe that others think positively of them, they’ll accept anything that they’re being told. If they think that people think poorly of them, they’ll become offended even by a sincere compliment.
Since an unspoken message is more important than a spoken one, popularity levels are more affected by unspoken messages, than the actual words. I’d like to share some common examples. These are examples that people may consider obvious when they observe them in others, nevertheless, they’re prone to do the same to others.
My goal is to help people become more self-aware, and, thereby, increase the number of people who are motivated, and willing, to help them. The more that people are aware that the unspoken message is infused in their verbal message, the more they’ll carefully choose their words, and how they’ll say them. Their newfound awareness will result in more positive messages.
The following examples may not seem intangible, since I have to describe them through words; nevertheless, I consider them intangible because the actual words are meaningless. It’s usually the tone, and the underlying message, conveyed, that destroys the motivation of others to help. I’m asking the readers to visualize the tone of voice, and body language, when they read these examples.
1) People often call me for help. As I begin to offer to them a solution for their problem, they’ll interrupt me with two words that irk me more than do most words. They’ll say “I’m confused”. While I may be speaking too quickly, or making false assumptions, in most cases, the proper response would be, “please repeat what you said or, I didn’t understand” or, “try me again, I think I missed what you were trying to tell me”.
Interrupting me by say, “I’m confused”, conveys the message that this is too much for you, and that I shouldn’t bother repeating what I just said. This lack of understanding seems to me to be more of an agenda (to act confused and/or helpless), than that they’re missing the point. I know that they don’t intend to convey that message, but they’re also unaware that their tone of voice conveyed an attitude of being resigned to failure.
When I get the feeling that I’m speaking to someone who’s “happy” with failure, my motivation to help gets “sucked” out of me almost immediately, and it takes significant energy to start again. I certainly won’t pick up the phone the next time they call, as quickly as I will for other people.
2) Many people find it difficult to ask for help because they feel inferior to the person from whom they’re asking for help. To counter this feeling of inferiority, some of them will insert within their request the message that they’re much smarter, and have a better grasp of the situation, than those who created the problem, or even the one from whom they’re asking for help. They’re actually “talking down” to these people.
3) People don’t want to help “bottomless pits”. People who convey a message that the world isn’t fair, that they’re martyrs, that they’ll make similar, mistakes, multiple more times, will “kill” anyone’s motivation to help. Why help someone if the result won’t be positive?
When one of the three above dialogues takes place, it becomes difficult for both sides to “fix” the problem. My experiences have shown me, that those problems were created because each side believed that they were the victim.
Those people who convey negative vibes, are usually unaware that they do it. They feel mistreated when people don’t offer to help, or renege on an earlier commitment to help. However, those people offering to help often believe that they’re the victims, for offering to help someone who won’t appreciate, accept, or gain from the offer.
Those people who believe that they’re never allowed “inside the circle”, should consider this article’s message as a possibility as to why they’re being excluded. They should “listen” to themselves when they speak to others, and ”play back” their words. They should visualize their body language, and reenact it as if they were “outside of themselves”. With objectivity, they’ll find that they’re not the victims, and have control of their lives and future. Anyone who believes that s/he needs further guidance should call our office for assistance.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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