Creating Healthy ENVIRONMENTS, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
Areivim has evolved over the years. The most significant, recent, change, has been our decision to emphasize “adopting” teenagers, and young adults, (and even married couples). This has become necessary because many teenagers, and their families, are finding it increasingly difficult to co-exist, while sustaining an emotionally healthy environment at the same time. I’ll shortly explain what I mean.
As a result, Areivim is shifting its emphasis from mentoring individuals, to increasing the number of beds in our multiple residences. (We’re also helping young couples find apartments in the vicinity of our Yeshiva.) Of course we’ll continue to mentor and provide support. However, keeping a more localized connection with our friends, and families, through such residences, will increase the chances of creating and developing more successful, subsequent, generations, of long-term successful homes.
When dealing with our teenagers in the new residences we’re initially very easy going. After their children have stayed with us for a few weeks, their parents frequently call and ask, more in a sense of confusion that as a complaint, “Why do our sons tell us he’s allowed to sit around without having any demands made of him?” No demands are unique to our residences, in contrast to our High School, or Bais Hamedrash programs, where structure and programing is instilled throughout the day.
Weeks later, the parents speak differently. They realize that we’ve created an environment that seemingly, effortlessly, and seamlessly, has motivated their children to mature, grow, strive, and become a success in their unique, personal, way. Without our requesting, and certainly without demanding it, their teenager has blossomed. He’s more confident, and his relationship with his parents has also improved.
The goal of this article is to highlight that it’s not enough to believe that the solution to the teenage problem, is to dedicate discussions to proper parenting and teaching techniques. What’s equally important is what takes place “behind the scenes”. By this I mean the environment and background settings. These’ll affect people’s drive to succeed, as much, if not more, than any specific Chinuch, or parenting, technique that parents may implement.
What is a healthy environment, and how can it be created within families. This would be an environment that would encourage everyone to become motivated, improve, and grow on their own.
It’s important to appreciate that creating an environment is mostly about intangibles, something parents don’t often appreciate. Discussing intangibles with parents is difficult because the value of intangibles can’t be proved in the short run. (It can even be difficult to demonstrate whether parents will, or won’t, succeed in creating intangibles). The only proof will be how their children “turn out” in the long run. Even then, as everyone knows, children’s growth isn’t definite proof that certain techniques do, or don’t, work. Children can defy the best of parents and their efforts. This article is being “laid out” for parents, to decide if, and how much, your may want to “borrow” to improve your parenting.
Let’s discuss these “intangibles” in more detail. Many people have a difficult time understanding what intangibles are. They’ll say: “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it”. I try to explain to them that making people feel comfortable requires more than, for example, asking them if they’re hungry and then giving them food. It requires an atmosphere in which they’re comfortable in accepting your offer of food, and maybe even having them go to the refrigerator by themselves. Explaining that you would be happy to discuss their concerns is less important than presenting yourself as an open person, who’s willing to discuss their concerns without pressure. This means that after the discussion, they’ll be happy that they had it with you.
Many parents sincerely believe that they’re doing everything in their control to make their children happy, healthy, and successful. When they don’t succeed, they’re certain that the burden of failure lies with their children. It’s only when those parents see that Areivim seems to be doing “nothing” with their children, and their children still improve, that they become aware of the value, and start considering, intangibles. Don’t be mistaken: “intangibles” doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means conveying a certain sense and attitude through one’s personality, rather than through any specific actions or statements.
Readers should keep in mind that modified environments don’t guarantee success. They can only increase the chance of success. The final measure of success is dependent on parents and those in need of support.
Before I explain such environments, I’d like to clarify two common stereotypes which I feel represent two misconceptions, by both parents and mentors (and/or Mechanchim)
1) Creating an accepting environment shouldn’t be confused with giving teenagers the license to do whatever they want. It means that a) I accept who they are right now. I accept their present state of mind and goals, or lack of them. However, at the same time, b) they must know that I’ve a long term goal for them, either because I inserted it into the conversation, or they’ve sensed it from their peers, who’ve been with Areivim for a few months, and who’ve begun to grow.
2) No one is comfortable with living in chaos. This means that teenagers want a place that has rules. Rules allow people to know what’s expected, allowed, and respected. Even if those expectations aren’t always pleasant, the consistency of rules is comforting. They’ll all admit to wanting rules when there isn’t immediate pressure to conform to those rules.
I’ll explain to the teenagers when they first join our residences that there are two categories of rules: one with which they must immediately comply and the other, with which they don’t have to immediately comply.
a) The first category consists of rules that they must do for us, our residence/Yeshiva. These rules apply to them immediately. They must wear a yarmulke in public. They must be respectful of others. They must accommodate the other members of our “family”.
b) The second category consists of what’s expected of them, for their own good. They don’t have to worry about these rules now. I’d like them to Daven with us, but they don’t have to. I’d like them to wake up at a “normal” time, but they don’t have to.
Allowing people to not follow rules, even if it’s only for a limited time, is tricky. We can only bend the rules for a small group at any time, otherwise, the perception within the larger group will be that the rules don’t exist anymore. Therefore, before we take in new teenagers, we assess the present group and see whether they’ll be affected by others who won’t have to follow the rules at this time.
Below are some of the components needed to create a healthy environment:
1) The teenagers must believe that we’ll never become angry at them. That’s different from believing that we’ll accept anything that they’ll do. We’ll respond to negative behavior, and may even punish them, but we won’t get angry at them.
2) If we do get upset, which is different from becoming angry, it’ll always be compartmentalized. Our frustration will be at their actions, and not at them. We’ll always allow them to have their pride, and walk away with dignity. Once we explain how we’ll respond, and why that response “makes sense”, we’ll forget about the incident. Over the next few hours, and days, it’ll become clear to them that our opinion of them hasn’t changed.
3) We’ll always respect them. We’ll go out of our way to accommodate them, explain our decisions to them, and offer them alternatives when we inconvenience them. We thank them, apologize to them, and treat them, unless it’s a “Chinuch moment”, which is an opportunity to teach them a Torah, or life, lesson, the same as we treat our peers.
More importantly, we give them the sense that our treatment isn’t because they’re privileged. They see that we treat everyone the same, as we’d like to be treated. They also see how the other students also seem to treat everyone with the same respect and dignity. We’re teaching them a way of life without giving them speeches.
4) Without our saying anything, they sense that we have faith in them, and that we expect greatness from them. We raise the bar higher for them than anyone else has ever set it, which is almost always higher than what they expect of themselves. However, we don’t rush them. Our confidence allows us to wait, and give them time, because we’re certain that they’ll get there.
One of the more compelling ways this message is given, is when they’re told that many of the staff members were first introduced to Areivim as teens in need of advice. They learn that everyone has “a story” and that people’s stories present a choice to them. It can be the baggage that they carry with them for the rest of their lives or, if they choose, it can become their personal script for greatness.
This creates hope for them. Many teenagers, and adults, live their lives without hoping to ever achieve anything important. They look around at those that they love, and who they’ve been told will help them, but no one tells them why they should have hope. Then they enter the world of Areivim and everything becomes possible. I often tell teenagers, and parents, that Areivim is the only place in the world where you can succeed without having to grow up. Life can be fun, but you can accomplish great things at the same time.
5) We create an environment in which we aren’t embarrassed by failure, disappointments, and a lack of aspirations, no matter how silly, or long term, those hopes may be. Their new role models also grappled with various issues when they were younger. As they walk in the Areivim halls, they see that failure is a part of life, but not a jail sentence. It means that they just have to try harder, one more time.
6) We create an environment in which there’s no need to argue, and no one to argue with. Teenagers love to have opinions. Those opinions define them. Whether other people will strongly agree, or argue, with them, their opinions make them feel good. We make it a point not to get into discussions that we find to be negative, and engrained in their attitudes. We smile and say ‘that’s cool” and move on.
Here’s an example. Teens will come in and insist that they don’t believe in the Torah or G-d. We won’t debate with them. We won’t allow it to be a discussion (unless we feel they’re ready to have an intellectual conversation on the topics). However, because of my Hashkofic responsibility to respond, I’ll say that, “you and I can agree to disagree, and one day we’ll have to discuss this at lunch”, but no more.
After repeatedly not allowing such intense topics to become conversations, they become non defining opinions, and in order for the teens to feel good about themselves, they’re “forced” to come up with other topics to define themselves
7) We treat everyone as individuals, and make them feel important. Once they feel comfortable we begin to customize how we talk to them. To some, we discuss the importance of waking up on time and keeping a schedule; to others, the need to have a job; and to others, the need to learn Torah. Despite asking some of them to improve in areas in which we may not ask others to improve, they don’t see themselves as being singled out. They recognize that we see each of them as “one of a kind”, and that each of them deserves a one of a kind relationship. The advice, and sometimes criticism, is interpreted as a compliment, and not as an insult.
8) The most difficult part in creating a healthy environment is to explain to people that we make everyone feel as if “they belong”. Children, and adults, in increasing numbers, feel that they don’t belong; that they’re misfits. They feel like strangers in their own homes, that they’re different from everyone else in their family, and that they’re not appreciated for who they are.
Sometimes those feelings are caused, or contributed to, by other people; other times, those feelings are internally generated. The family loves, and accepts, them, but they weren’t able to create a personal relationship, or environment, that conveyed those feelings. At Areivim, the cumulative result of the first 7 points makes them feel as if they belong.
One of the difficulties with making teenagers believe that they belong in their homes, is that in most cases, their families belong to specific groups, such as, Yeshivesh, Heimish, Chassidish, etc. Even when the teenagers look the same as the other members of the family, they may still feel out of place. Although they may look the same on the outside, they feel different inside, assume everyone senses those differences and, as a result, won’t “let him them into” their circle.
At Areivim, everyone looks different and everyone belongs. We ignore everything other than the person’s essence. When people are stripped down to their essence, they’re all the same. Everyone wants to be appreciated, to feel good about themselves, and to be given a fair chance at greatness.
Since Areivim’s environment intends to mimic that of a regular home, we try infuse all the parental figures, and tools, within our campus. These include:
a) The father figure: What should be the father’s true role? Rashi in Parshas Vayigash explains that an Av, father, is a Chaver, friend, and Pitron, advocate. The father is a strong character, who sees to the children’s next steps, and is able to take care of his children. He advises them on jobs, and other life challenges, networks with them and, in general, is on their team. At the same time the father realizes that it’s the children’s lives, and not the fathers, and he’ll allow himself to be a very strong “number two”.
Although it’s not his primary mission, the father must also criticize and punish. If it’s done fairly, his children will see those actions as his being a part of their team, and not against them. They’ll sense (this is another intangible required to be an effective father) that their father has their good in mind, and that his actions aren’t because he’s disappointed, or ashamed, of them.
b) The mother figure: She’s the person the children will go to when they need a “pick me up” moment. At Areivim, many teens rely on me for advice, but go to others on the staff when they’re in need of warmth, and not advice (As you can conclude, my strength isn’t to be warm and fuzzy, although I’m getting better at hugging every day). Everyone needs someone who’s always there for them, and enjoys their company, whether they’re in a good, or bad, mood.
c) Structured and unstructured Chinuch An effective home has to have both forms of Chinuch. The amount of effort with formal Chinuch, such as learning with the children, and informal Chinuch, which includes taking them to buy Matzos, and spontaneously mentioning a fascinating Medrash, depends on individual circumstances.
These three “factors”: the father and mother’s personalities, the children’s motivations, their personal learning approaches (visual, studying, or interactive), the relationships between the three, and how much time they interact together, are all critical.
The balance between the three must be thought through and deliberate, despite appearing to the children as being spontaneous. The balance must also be constantly reassessed as the children grow, mature, and evolve from their previous years experiences.
d) Our (Areivim staff’s) informal interactions: This is an extension of the category of unstructured Chinuch. While not every moment is a Chinuch moment, every moment is a Chinuch opportunity. We spend enormous amounts of time with all the boys. We go to Home Depot with them, go for walks, and have them join our families for Shabbos meals. They see how we act within our family, and when we’re stressed and when we’re happy.
e) Our (Areivim staff’s) personal character: After all is said and done, parents and/or Areivim mentors are role models. Whatever we do, we hope the boys will believe is the right thing to have been done. It’s a burden, and a very big one, but with carefulness, it’s the single most important tool parents and Mechanchim have.
When we lead by example, teens consider our lead as their natural next step, and quietly, and happily, follow along. When we lead by discussion, they try to follow even though the right decision may cause them internal conflict, but they don’t really have anyone alongside. When we lead by speeches, they listen resentfully, but quickly gravitate toward their old habits.
I believe the above, and have found that, even though it may have required me to change my personal behavior when it wasn't necessary, leading by example, has made my life so much calmer, and the end product, the teenager, so much better.
The High School boys are exposed to the same healthy environment discussed in these previous articles, but they’re told, from the beginning, that we expect more from them. Here are some of the “tricks” that we’ve used for to our High School students:
a. We assess their level of knowledge, life skills, and present motivation to learn and grow, and then ask them for a little more effort than they’re used to giving. Asking for a little more is enough to compliment, and challenge, them, but not enough to take them out of their comfort zones. A correct assessment of their skills and present motivation is necessary. When we misjudge their present level, we’ll experience short term failure. Unwillingness by staff and/or parents to constantly reassess can mean long term failure. The assessment can be tricky because clothing, attitude, recent behavior, and learning levels, are all factors in assessing them. However, they can also be misleading because dress, and outward behavior, isn’t always an accurate assessor of people’s real selves.
b. Our reaction to their breaking the rules is progressive. The first time they break a rule we make sure that they’re aware that we noticed it but, out of respect for them, choose not to comment. The second time we comment. The third time we discuss the consequences. It’s only at the fourth time that we punish them. How long it takes to reach the next “rule break” is dependent on the individual, and decided on a case by case basis. We also need to determine whether the other students will perceive our patience as being soft or weak. Soft is a sign of strength, weak is a sign of weakness.
c. We demand a reciprocal relationship from them. We make it clear that we’ll “cover their backs” with their parents, classmates, or anyone who makes their lives difficult, but we also make it clear that we expect them to do the same for us. We explain to them that we’ll probably be helping them much more than they’ll help us. That’s understandable, but when we need to “call in a favor”, we expect them to be there for us, as we are for them.
2. Our Bais Hamedrash program, which focuses on mature, Torah, and growth, oriented young men, is given the same warmth. These young men, like most people, have a need to believe that they belong. However, for this select group, our focus is on convincing them that they can excel in all areas of their lives: as children to their parents, and husbands, parents, and community leaders. They’re pushed beyond where the average Bais Hamedrash Bochur is pushed in personal growth and, as a result, are widely sought after as mentors, tutors, and role models.
In conclusion, Areivim doesn’t succeed with everyone who enters its doors, but our success rate, with Siyata D’ishmayo, has been, and will, I”YH, continue to be very high. All organizations, and individuals can increase their success rates. My hope is that the thoughts put into writing over these few weeks will help others.
While the intention of these articles wasn’t to promote Areivim’s programs, I’d like to close with a request that all of my readers consider our programs for those in need of them. Areivim’s end product is well known, but what our programs are, and to whom we cater, is less known. Although Areivim is popular, our work is done quietly and we continue to be an enigma. Please call us if you believe that any of your children, or students, may gain from its services.
As a result, Areivim is shifting its emphasis from mentoring individuals, to increasing the number of beds in our multiple residences. (We’re also helping young couples find apartments in the vicinity of our Yeshiva.) Of course we’ll continue to mentor and provide support. However, keeping a more localized connection with our friends, and families, through such residences, will increase the chances of creating and developing more successful, subsequent, generations, of long-term successful homes.
When dealing with our teenagers in the new residences we’re initially very easy going. After their children have stayed with us for a few weeks, their parents frequently call and ask, more in a sense of confusion that as a complaint, “Why do our sons tell us he’s allowed to sit around without having any demands made of him?” No demands are unique to our residences, in contrast to our High School, or Bais Hamedrash programs, where structure and programing is instilled throughout the day.
Weeks later, the parents speak differently. They realize that we’ve created an environment that seemingly, effortlessly, and seamlessly, has motivated their children to mature, grow, strive, and become a success in their unique, personal, way. Without our requesting, and certainly without demanding it, their teenager has blossomed. He’s more confident, and his relationship with his parents has also improved.
The goal of this article is to highlight that it’s not enough to believe that the solution to the teenage problem, is to dedicate discussions to proper parenting and teaching techniques. What’s equally important is what takes place “behind the scenes”. By this I mean the environment and background settings. These’ll affect people’s drive to succeed, as much, if not more, than any specific Chinuch, or parenting, technique that parents may implement.
What is a healthy environment, and how can it be created within families. This would be an environment that would encourage everyone to become motivated, improve, and grow on their own.
It’s important to appreciate that creating an environment is mostly about intangibles, something parents don’t often appreciate. Discussing intangibles with parents is difficult because the value of intangibles can’t be proved in the short run. (It can even be difficult to demonstrate whether parents will, or won’t, succeed in creating intangibles). The only proof will be how their children “turn out” in the long run. Even then, as everyone knows, children’s growth isn’t definite proof that certain techniques do, or don’t, work. Children can defy the best of parents and their efforts. This article is being “laid out” for parents, to decide if, and how much, your may want to “borrow” to improve your parenting.
Let’s discuss these “intangibles” in more detail. Many people have a difficult time understanding what intangibles are. They’ll say: “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it”. I try to explain to them that making people feel comfortable requires more than, for example, asking them if they’re hungry and then giving them food. It requires an atmosphere in which they’re comfortable in accepting your offer of food, and maybe even having them go to the refrigerator by themselves. Explaining that you would be happy to discuss their concerns is less important than presenting yourself as an open person, who’s willing to discuss their concerns without pressure. This means that after the discussion, they’ll be happy that they had it with you.
Many parents sincerely believe that they’re doing everything in their control to make their children happy, healthy, and successful. When they don’t succeed, they’re certain that the burden of failure lies with their children. It’s only when those parents see that Areivim seems to be doing “nothing” with their children, and their children still improve, that they become aware of the value, and start considering, intangibles. Don’t be mistaken: “intangibles” doesn’t mean doing nothing. It means conveying a certain sense and attitude through one’s personality, rather than through any specific actions or statements.
Readers should keep in mind that modified environments don’t guarantee success. They can only increase the chance of success. The final measure of success is dependent on parents and those in need of support.
Before I explain such environments, I’d like to clarify two common stereotypes which I feel represent two misconceptions, by both parents and mentors (and/or Mechanchim)
1) Creating an accepting environment shouldn’t be confused with giving teenagers the license to do whatever they want. It means that a) I accept who they are right now. I accept their present state of mind and goals, or lack of them. However, at the same time, b) they must know that I’ve a long term goal for them, either because I inserted it into the conversation, or they’ve sensed it from their peers, who’ve been with Areivim for a few months, and who’ve begun to grow.
2) No one is comfortable with living in chaos. This means that teenagers want a place that has rules. Rules allow people to know what’s expected, allowed, and respected. Even if those expectations aren’t always pleasant, the consistency of rules is comforting. They’ll all admit to wanting rules when there isn’t immediate pressure to conform to those rules.
I’ll explain to the teenagers when they first join our residences that there are two categories of rules: one with which they must immediately comply and the other, with which they don’t have to immediately comply.
a) The first category consists of rules that they must do for us, our residence/Yeshiva. These rules apply to them immediately. They must wear a yarmulke in public. They must be respectful of others. They must accommodate the other members of our “family”.
b) The second category consists of what’s expected of them, for their own good. They don’t have to worry about these rules now. I’d like them to Daven with us, but they don’t have to. I’d like them to wake up at a “normal” time, but they don’t have to.
Allowing people to not follow rules, even if it’s only for a limited time, is tricky. We can only bend the rules for a small group at any time, otherwise, the perception within the larger group will be that the rules don’t exist anymore. Therefore, before we take in new teenagers, we assess the present group and see whether they’ll be affected by others who won’t have to follow the rules at this time.
Below are some of the components needed to create a healthy environment:
1) The teenagers must believe that we’ll never become angry at them. That’s different from believing that we’ll accept anything that they’ll do. We’ll respond to negative behavior, and may even punish them, but we won’t get angry at them.
2) If we do get upset, which is different from becoming angry, it’ll always be compartmentalized. Our frustration will be at their actions, and not at them. We’ll always allow them to have their pride, and walk away with dignity. Once we explain how we’ll respond, and why that response “makes sense”, we’ll forget about the incident. Over the next few hours, and days, it’ll become clear to them that our opinion of them hasn’t changed.
3) We’ll always respect them. We’ll go out of our way to accommodate them, explain our decisions to them, and offer them alternatives when we inconvenience them. We thank them, apologize to them, and treat them, unless it’s a “Chinuch moment”, which is an opportunity to teach them a Torah, or life, lesson, the same as we treat our peers.
More importantly, we give them the sense that our treatment isn’t because they’re privileged. They see that we treat everyone the same, as we’d like to be treated. They also see how the other students also seem to treat everyone with the same respect and dignity. We’re teaching them a way of life without giving them speeches.
4) Without our saying anything, they sense that we have faith in them, and that we expect greatness from them. We raise the bar higher for them than anyone else has ever set it, which is almost always higher than what they expect of themselves. However, we don’t rush them. Our confidence allows us to wait, and give them time, because we’re certain that they’ll get there.
One of the more compelling ways this message is given, is when they’re told that many of the staff members were first introduced to Areivim as teens in need of advice. They learn that everyone has “a story” and that people’s stories present a choice to them. It can be the baggage that they carry with them for the rest of their lives or, if they choose, it can become their personal script for greatness.
This creates hope for them. Many teenagers, and adults, live their lives without hoping to ever achieve anything important. They look around at those that they love, and who they’ve been told will help them, but no one tells them why they should have hope. Then they enter the world of Areivim and everything becomes possible. I often tell teenagers, and parents, that Areivim is the only place in the world where you can succeed without having to grow up. Life can be fun, but you can accomplish great things at the same time.
5) We create an environment in which we aren’t embarrassed by failure, disappointments, and a lack of aspirations, no matter how silly, or long term, those hopes may be. Their new role models also grappled with various issues when they were younger. As they walk in the Areivim halls, they see that failure is a part of life, but not a jail sentence. It means that they just have to try harder, one more time.
6) We create an environment in which there’s no need to argue, and no one to argue with. Teenagers love to have opinions. Those opinions define them. Whether other people will strongly agree, or argue, with them, their opinions make them feel good. We make it a point not to get into discussions that we find to be negative, and engrained in their attitudes. We smile and say ‘that’s cool” and move on.
Here’s an example. Teens will come in and insist that they don’t believe in the Torah or G-d. We won’t debate with them. We won’t allow it to be a discussion (unless we feel they’re ready to have an intellectual conversation on the topics). However, because of my Hashkofic responsibility to respond, I’ll say that, “you and I can agree to disagree, and one day we’ll have to discuss this at lunch”, but no more.
After repeatedly not allowing such intense topics to become conversations, they become non defining opinions, and in order for the teens to feel good about themselves, they’re “forced” to come up with other topics to define themselves
7) We treat everyone as individuals, and make them feel important. Once they feel comfortable we begin to customize how we talk to them. To some, we discuss the importance of waking up on time and keeping a schedule; to others, the need to have a job; and to others, the need to learn Torah. Despite asking some of them to improve in areas in which we may not ask others to improve, they don’t see themselves as being singled out. They recognize that we see each of them as “one of a kind”, and that each of them deserves a one of a kind relationship. The advice, and sometimes criticism, is interpreted as a compliment, and not as an insult.
8) The most difficult part in creating a healthy environment is to explain to people that we make everyone feel as if “they belong”. Children, and adults, in increasing numbers, feel that they don’t belong; that they’re misfits. They feel like strangers in their own homes, that they’re different from everyone else in their family, and that they’re not appreciated for who they are.
Sometimes those feelings are caused, or contributed to, by other people; other times, those feelings are internally generated. The family loves, and accepts, them, but they weren’t able to create a personal relationship, or environment, that conveyed those feelings. At Areivim, the cumulative result of the first 7 points makes them feel as if they belong.
One of the difficulties with making teenagers believe that they belong in their homes, is that in most cases, their families belong to specific groups, such as, Yeshivesh, Heimish, Chassidish, etc. Even when the teenagers look the same as the other members of the family, they may still feel out of place. Although they may look the same on the outside, they feel different inside, assume everyone senses those differences and, as a result, won’t “let him them into” their circle.
At Areivim, everyone looks different and everyone belongs. We ignore everything other than the person’s essence. When people are stripped down to their essence, they’re all the same. Everyone wants to be appreciated, to feel good about themselves, and to be given a fair chance at greatness.
Since Areivim’s environment intends to mimic that of a regular home, we try infuse all the parental figures, and tools, within our campus. These include:
a) The father figure: What should be the father’s true role? Rashi in Parshas Vayigash explains that an Av, father, is a Chaver, friend, and Pitron, advocate. The father is a strong character, who sees to the children’s next steps, and is able to take care of his children. He advises them on jobs, and other life challenges, networks with them and, in general, is on their team. At the same time the father realizes that it’s the children’s lives, and not the fathers, and he’ll allow himself to be a very strong “number two”.
Although it’s not his primary mission, the father must also criticize and punish. If it’s done fairly, his children will see those actions as his being a part of their team, and not against them. They’ll sense (this is another intangible required to be an effective father) that their father has their good in mind, and that his actions aren’t because he’s disappointed, or ashamed, of them.
b) The mother figure: She’s the person the children will go to when they need a “pick me up” moment. At Areivim, many teens rely on me for advice, but go to others on the staff when they’re in need of warmth, and not advice (As you can conclude, my strength isn’t to be warm and fuzzy, although I’m getting better at hugging every day). Everyone needs someone who’s always there for them, and enjoys their company, whether they’re in a good, or bad, mood.
c) Structured and unstructured Chinuch An effective home has to have both forms of Chinuch. The amount of effort with formal Chinuch, such as learning with the children, and informal Chinuch, which includes taking them to buy Matzos, and spontaneously mentioning a fascinating Medrash, depends on individual circumstances.
These three “factors”: the father and mother’s personalities, the children’s motivations, their personal learning approaches (visual, studying, or interactive), the relationships between the three, and how much time they interact together, are all critical.
The balance between the three must be thought through and deliberate, despite appearing to the children as being spontaneous. The balance must also be constantly reassessed as the children grow, mature, and evolve from their previous years experiences.
d) Our (Areivim staff’s) informal interactions: This is an extension of the category of unstructured Chinuch. While not every moment is a Chinuch moment, every moment is a Chinuch opportunity. We spend enormous amounts of time with all the boys. We go to Home Depot with them, go for walks, and have them join our families for Shabbos meals. They see how we act within our family, and when we’re stressed and when we’re happy.
e) Our (Areivim staff’s) personal character: After all is said and done, parents and/or Areivim mentors are role models. Whatever we do, we hope the boys will believe is the right thing to have been done. It’s a burden, and a very big one, but with carefulness, it’s the single most important tool parents and Mechanchim have.
When we lead by example, teens consider our lead as their natural next step, and quietly, and happily, follow along. When we lead by discussion, they try to follow even though the right decision may cause them internal conflict, but they don’t really have anyone alongside. When we lead by speeches, they listen resentfully, but quickly gravitate toward their old habits.
I believe the above, and have found that, even though it may have required me to change my personal behavior when it wasn't necessary, leading by example, has made my life so much calmer, and the end product, the teenager, so much better.
The High School boys are exposed to the same healthy environment discussed in these previous articles, but they’re told, from the beginning, that we expect more from them. Here are some of the “tricks” that we’ve used for to our High School students:
a. We assess their level of knowledge, life skills, and present motivation to learn and grow, and then ask them for a little more effort than they’re used to giving. Asking for a little more is enough to compliment, and challenge, them, but not enough to take them out of their comfort zones. A correct assessment of their skills and present motivation is necessary. When we misjudge their present level, we’ll experience short term failure. Unwillingness by staff and/or parents to constantly reassess can mean long term failure. The assessment can be tricky because clothing, attitude, recent behavior, and learning levels, are all factors in assessing them. However, they can also be misleading because dress, and outward behavior, isn’t always an accurate assessor of people’s real selves.
b. Our reaction to their breaking the rules is progressive. The first time they break a rule we make sure that they’re aware that we noticed it but, out of respect for them, choose not to comment. The second time we comment. The third time we discuss the consequences. It’s only at the fourth time that we punish them. How long it takes to reach the next “rule break” is dependent on the individual, and decided on a case by case basis. We also need to determine whether the other students will perceive our patience as being soft or weak. Soft is a sign of strength, weak is a sign of weakness.
c. We demand a reciprocal relationship from them. We make it clear that we’ll “cover their backs” with their parents, classmates, or anyone who makes their lives difficult, but we also make it clear that we expect them to do the same for us. We explain to them that we’ll probably be helping them much more than they’ll help us. That’s understandable, but when we need to “call in a favor”, we expect them to be there for us, as we are for them.
2. Our Bais Hamedrash program, which focuses on mature, Torah, and growth, oriented young men, is given the same warmth. These young men, like most people, have a need to believe that they belong. However, for this select group, our focus is on convincing them that they can excel in all areas of their lives: as children to their parents, and husbands, parents, and community leaders. They’re pushed beyond where the average Bais Hamedrash Bochur is pushed in personal growth and, as a result, are widely sought after as mentors, tutors, and role models.
In conclusion, Areivim doesn’t succeed with everyone who enters its doors, but our success rate, with Siyata D’ishmayo, has been, and will, I”YH, continue to be very high. All organizations, and individuals can increase their success rates. My hope is that the thoughts put into writing over these few weeks will help others.
While the intention of these articles wasn’t to promote Areivim’s programs, I’d like to close with a request that all of my readers consider our programs for those in need of them. Areivim’s end product is well known, but what our programs are, and to whom we cater, is less known. Although Areivim is popular, our work is done quietly and we continue to be an enigma. Please call us if you believe that any of your children, or students, may gain from its services.
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