Building Oneself, One’s Family, and One’s Community Part 2 Of 2, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I was brought up in a Frum family. In addition to the family’s expectation that I would fulfill all the Mitzvohs, there were several unspoken expectations that some of the Mitzvohs should be considered second nature. Then, when I went to High School, additional Mitzvohs became second nature. Here are some examples:
My family never went anywhere after 12:00 p.m. on Erev Shabbos. We wouldn’t even go shopping. That’s because, in my house, “you didn’t leave the house when it was almost Shabbos”. I also learned, not from being directly taught, but from observing, that the “norm” was that you always came to Davening on time. There was no such thing as not having Tefillin on before the Chazan began to say the Berchas Hashachar.
In High School I learned not to have any personal conversations before Shacharis, even if I had “time to kill”. I learned that one had to have a Rebbi, and I learned that Torah “ruled” people’s lives.
None of the family examples were told to me. While the Yeshiva lessons were discussed, it wasn’t the discussions that made the powerful impact on me, I just understood it in a manner that’s difficult to explain.
These examples feel, in a positive way, “forced”. Although they weren’t my decisions, they are my only options. Instinctive upbringing is much “stronger”, both personally, and Chinuch-wise than lessons learned in school, or taught by parents. On a personal level, actions done by instinct are done with conviction, and people are less likely to consider alternatives despite significant external pressure. If their actions are done without conviction, and are only done because they logically understand them to be right, they may only attend Minyonim most of the time, and do most of their responsibilities in the same way, because they aren’t instinctive. Instinctive behaviors are the easiest way for people to do what they always believe in without compromise.It’s something that offers no real alternative; it’s what “has” to be done.
On a Chinuch related level, children who see certain behaviors, or attitudes, as instinctive on the part of their parents, will assume that they are “natural”, and universally accepted to be true. This means that those behaviors are worthwhile, even if they don’t understand why they’re worthwhile. This’ll cause them to become engrained in their minds. Most people know of a person who’s now non-religious, but still observes one Mitzvoh, because that Mitzvoh was so prominent in the home in which s/he “grew up”.
Sadly, many people in our generation have lost their instinctive behaviors, because when they were young, between the ages of 14-20 years, they didn’t “belong” anywhere. They knew that their family had some instinctive behaviors, but when they “returned” to their family values, they had to recreate in themselves those behaviors. Nevertheless, they’ve lost the instinctive advantage, because they know that alternative behaviors exist, and they exercised them when they did their own “thing.”
Can instinctive behaviors be recreated despite not having the continuity factor from childhood? I can’t answer this with certainty, since the answer will depend on the personal character of the people, their present relationships with their families, and a few other factors.
If they can’t regain their instinctive behaviors from their parents, can they recreate them in order to teach them to their own children? The answer is that they can, but it’ll be difficult. Below are some of the conditions that they’ll need in order to recreate in themselves, and instill their homes, instinctive behaviors:
1) They must have passion for those actions to such an extent, that they’ll become frustrated, and even indignant, when they see others acting contrary to those actions. They should select a few actions to become a part of their DNA.
2) They should choose actions which they’ll do constantly, regardless of the circumstance in which they may find themselves. I know people who haven’t Davened without a Minyan for years. I know people who haven’t missed the daily Daf for several Shas cycles (This is different from catching up when they miss it). Are there any actions in which their passions are so strong, that they can make similar commitments?
3) They should focus on actions which are truly important to Hashem, and which represent actual Halacha, and not things that may only be Minhogim. Baking one’s Matzohs on Erev Pesach is nice, and may even be important, but it’s less significant than having a meaningful Seder in which all participants leave uplifted, and feel a renewed commitment towards Yiddishkeit. The first is a Chumra, not a Halacho, and Its value is limited. It won’t have a lasting effect on the family, as much as a meaningful Seder will. What’s even worse is that the importance of baking matzos Erev Pesach may be minimized by the family and, as a result, create resentment, since there’s so much other work that needs to be done. Children may resent it when their father “disappears”, while they’re working so hard to prepare for the Sedorim.
Why is it important to have instinctive behaviors? Instinctive behaviors demonstrate that people stand for something; that there are things worth sacrificing for because of their importance, and not only because they anticipate receiving some personal gain. Having seen their parents stand for something is significant, even though its impact may often be measured only years later and often, only, when these children become parents.
Communities are similar to families and require their own instinctive behaviors to give them their personalities. I’d like everyone to consider which part of their own personality they want to add to the mix that’s becoming our community. Hopefully, when everyone accepts each other’s instinctive behaviors, the result will be a beautiful community in both the eyes of Hashem and other people.
My family never went anywhere after 12:00 p.m. on Erev Shabbos. We wouldn’t even go shopping. That’s because, in my house, “you didn’t leave the house when it was almost Shabbos”. I also learned, not from being directly taught, but from observing, that the “norm” was that you always came to Davening on time. There was no such thing as not having Tefillin on before the Chazan began to say the Berchas Hashachar.
In High School I learned not to have any personal conversations before Shacharis, even if I had “time to kill”. I learned that one had to have a Rebbi, and I learned that Torah “ruled” people’s lives.
None of the family examples were told to me. While the Yeshiva lessons were discussed, it wasn’t the discussions that made the powerful impact on me, I just understood it in a manner that’s difficult to explain.
These examples feel, in a positive way, “forced”. Although they weren’t my decisions, they are my only options. Instinctive upbringing is much “stronger”, both personally, and Chinuch-wise than lessons learned in school, or taught by parents. On a personal level, actions done by instinct are done with conviction, and people are less likely to consider alternatives despite significant external pressure. If their actions are done without conviction, and are only done because they logically understand them to be right, they may only attend Minyonim most of the time, and do most of their responsibilities in the same way, because they aren’t instinctive. Instinctive behaviors are the easiest way for people to do what they always believe in without compromise.It’s something that offers no real alternative; it’s what “has” to be done.
On a Chinuch related level, children who see certain behaviors, or attitudes, as instinctive on the part of their parents, will assume that they are “natural”, and universally accepted to be true. This means that those behaviors are worthwhile, even if they don’t understand why they’re worthwhile. This’ll cause them to become engrained in their minds. Most people know of a person who’s now non-religious, but still observes one Mitzvoh, because that Mitzvoh was so prominent in the home in which s/he “grew up”.
Sadly, many people in our generation have lost their instinctive behaviors, because when they were young, between the ages of 14-20 years, they didn’t “belong” anywhere. They knew that their family had some instinctive behaviors, but when they “returned” to their family values, they had to recreate in themselves those behaviors. Nevertheless, they’ve lost the instinctive advantage, because they know that alternative behaviors exist, and they exercised them when they did their own “thing.”
Can instinctive behaviors be recreated despite not having the continuity factor from childhood? I can’t answer this with certainty, since the answer will depend on the personal character of the people, their present relationships with their families, and a few other factors.
If they can’t regain their instinctive behaviors from their parents, can they recreate them in order to teach them to their own children? The answer is that they can, but it’ll be difficult. Below are some of the conditions that they’ll need in order to recreate in themselves, and instill their homes, instinctive behaviors:
1) They must have passion for those actions to such an extent, that they’ll become frustrated, and even indignant, when they see others acting contrary to those actions. They should select a few actions to become a part of their DNA.
2) They should choose actions which they’ll do constantly, regardless of the circumstance in which they may find themselves. I know people who haven’t Davened without a Minyan for years. I know people who haven’t missed the daily Daf for several Shas cycles (This is different from catching up when they miss it). Are there any actions in which their passions are so strong, that they can make similar commitments?
3) They should focus on actions which are truly important to Hashem, and which represent actual Halacha, and not things that may only be Minhogim. Baking one’s Matzohs on Erev Pesach is nice, and may even be important, but it’s less significant than having a meaningful Seder in which all participants leave uplifted, and feel a renewed commitment towards Yiddishkeit. The first is a Chumra, not a Halacho, and Its value is limited. It won’t have a lasting effect on the family, as much as a meaningful Seder will. What’s even worse is that the importance of baking matzos Erev Pesach may be minimized by the family and, as a result, create resentment, since there’s so much other work that needs to be done. Children may resent it when their father “disappears”, while they’re working so hard to prepare for the Sedorim.
Why is it important to have instinctive behaviors? Instinctive behaviors demonstrate that people stand for something; that there are things worth sacrificing for because of their importance, and not only because they anticipate receiving some personal gain. Having seen their parents stand for something is significant, even though its impact may often be measured only years later and often, only, when these children become parents.
Communities are similar to families and require their own instinctive behaviors to give them their personalities. I’d like everyone to consider which part of their own personality they want to add to the mix that’s becoming our community. Hopefully, when everyone accepts each other’s instinctive behaviors, the result will be a beautiful community in both the eyes of Hashem and other people.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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