Building Oneself, One’s Family, and One’s Community Part 1 Of 2, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
I'd like to share some thoughts that I consider to be important for any parent of children between the ages of 2-10 years. These thoughts are also relevant to parents who are a part of a new community, and were first written as a part of the Hillburn community weekly e-mails.
Several families don’t make a community. Nevertheless, those families can be the seed of an emerging community. Any actions, or decisions, made during their formative stages will set precedences, and will define, and shape, more than they can imagine, what their family, and community, will look like as both mature.
I often mention to people that they need to be constantly mindful of whether they’re wearing the “hat” of an individual, parent, child or, in this case, of a person who’s planting a seed that will, in short time, build adults from children, and a community from a handful of families. Your presence, and your subtle actions, will shape your children’s future, as well as those of your community.
Here’s an example of the difference between an individual, and a parent/community, builder. Should a man wear a hat, and jacket, during Davening? As an individual, a jacket is a statement of respect when greeting Hashem. It’s important, but not as important as focusing on the actual words of Tefilla. As an individual, a positive, focused, concentration on each word, will outweigh the negative of not wearing a jacket. Wearing a hat represents an affiliation, and makes a statement that the individuals share with the Torah world the same relationship that they share with Hashem. Wearing a hat can be considered as extra credit when compared to focusing on every word of the Davening.
Despite my downplaying the hat, and jacket, of an individual, its importance increases when the individual is a parent, and community builder. Children will see a nonchalant dress code, and conclude that Davening doesn’t require a focused effort. People who visit this community may conclude that the community is “modern”, and draw conclusions that may not be true.
Many people may consider these multiple, communal adjustments, even if they’re only minor, to be unfair burdens. Nevertheless, seeing communal growth as “additional” burdens, and not as something personal, shouldn’t cause people to consider those burdens as optional. Communal growth is often more important than personal growth. This statement is worth additional discussion.
What if people had to choose between personal, or communal, growth, at the expense of their personal growth? What if people had to decide whether to compromise on their personal goals, or those of their families, or communities? These questions are complex and, ultimately, must be decided on an individual basis. Nevertheless, in most cases, sacrificing personal growth for the growth of the family or community, will result in an increase of personal growth in unanticipated ways.
What does a community need? It needs pretty much the same things that a family with young children need. They both require public statements. Before I describe what I mean by public statements, I know that, for many individuals, public statements aren’t inherently important, since they won’t change the way they act. Giving importance to public statements is only a diversion for them. Nevertheless,, for others, statements will motivate them to do more. Whether statements help or distract, those making the statements, they generally can have a positive effect on other people who observe them. Every new family, and/or child who moves into a new community, will generally have no idea of what’s the norm for that home/community. It’s the public statements that will “inform” them of what’s expected.
Below are a few examples of public statements:
1) Making certain that one’s Seforim are visible on the table (neatly piled, of course), or in front of a bookcase, instead of inside of it. Doing this is a statement that, in this house, Seforim are used. (Of course, people can leave Seforim around and not use them.)
2) Saying a Tefilla when she lights Shabbos candles is a statement from the mother that something important is taking place.
3) Walking into a Shul and talking for the first five minutes, versus immediately beginning to Daven, are statements, one, negative, and the other positive.
4) Allowing a husband to “disappear” in order to learn, at the same time, versus a few minutes later, is a statement of the importance of Torah.
Some of these examples will have meaning to a five year old, and some to a new community member. Of course, there are many more examples, some of which are common to all people, and others which may only have meaning to an individual family, and/or community.
I’d like to highlight the importance of any decision that’s made when a person wears the parent, or community member, “hat”, by describing something which has often molded my decisions at Areivim.
I often explain to people that some of their actions have “legs”. These are actions that, when they’re completed, keep “walking”, by themselves. Those are actions which take a “life of their own”. This is one example.
I may spend many hours helping a community start a mentoring organization. I know that my hundred, plus hours, over two months, will help the organization for many years. My two months of efforts have legs, as their effects will continue long after I’ve stopped advising them.
Raising children requires a lot of effort, and many years of investment. Nevertheless, those years have legs on them, and will “walk around” for many generations. “Statements” made by parents/community members have legs, shaping the character and value system of their children/community for years to come.
Several families don’t make a community. Nevertheless, those families can be the seed of an emerging community. Any actions, or decisions, made during their formative stages will set precedences, and will define, and shape, more than they can imagine, what their family, and community, will look like as both mature.
I often mention to people that they need to be constantly mindful of whether they’re wearing the “hat” of an individual, parent, child or, in this case, of a person who’s planting a seed that will, in short time, build adults from children, and a community from a handful of families. Your presence, and your subtle actions, will shape your children’s future, as well as those of your community.
Here’s an example of the difference between an individual, and a parent/community, builder. Should a man wear a hat, and jacket, during Davening? As an individual, a jacket is a statement of respect when greeting Hashem. It’s important, but not as important as focusing on the actual words of Tefilla. As an individual, a positive, focused, concentration on each word, will outweigh the negative of not wearing a jacket. Wearing a hat represents an affiliation, and makes a statement that the individuals share with the Torah world the same relationship that they share with Hashem. Wearing a hat can be considered as extra credit when compared to focusing on every word of the Davening.
Despite my downplaying the hat, and jacket, of an individual, its importance increases when the individual is a parent, and community builder. Children will see a nonchalant dress code, and conclude that Davening doesn’t require a focused effort. People who visit this community may conclude that the community is “modern”, and draw conclusions that may not be true.
Many people may consider these multiple, communal adjustments, even if they’re only minor, to be unfair burdens. Nevertheless, seeing communal growth as “additional” burdens, and not as something personal, shouldn’t cause people to consider those burdens as optional. Communal growth is often more important than personal growth. This statement is worth additional discussion.
What if people had to choose between personal, or communal, growth, at the expense of their personal growth? What if people had to decide whether to compromise on their personal goals, or those of their families, or communities? These questions are complex and, ultimately, must be decided on an individual basis. Nevertheless, in most cases, sacrificing personal growth for the growth of the family or community, will result in an increase of personal growth in unanticipated ways.
What does a community need? It needs pretty much the same things that a family with young children need. They both require public statements. Before I describe what I mean by public statements, I know that, for many individuals, public statements aren’t inherently important, since they won’t change the way they act. Giving importance to public statements is only a diversion for them. Nevertheless,, for others, statements will motivate them to do more. Whether statements help or distract, those making the statements, they generally can have a positive effect on other people who observe them. Every new family, and/or child who moves into a new community, will generally have no idea of what’s the norm for that home/community. It’s the public statements that will “inform” them of what’s expected.
Below are a few examples of public statements:
1) Making certain that one’s Seforim are visible on the table (neatly piled, of course), or in front of a bookcase, instead of inside of it. Doing this is a statement that, in this house, Seforim are used. (Of course, people can leave Seforim around and not use them.)
2) Saying a Tefilla when she lights Shabbos candles is a statement from the mother that something important is taking place.
3) Walking into a Shul and talking for the first five minutes, versus immediately beginning to Daven, are statements, one, negative, and the other positive.
4) Allowing a husband to “disappear” in order to learn, at the same time, versus a few minutes later, is a statement of the importance of Torah.
Some of these examples will have meaning to a five year old, and some to a new community member. Of course, there are many more examples, some of which are common to all people, and others which may only have meaning to an individual family, and/or community.
I’d like to highlight the importance of any decision that’s made when a person wears the parent, or community member, “hat”, by describing something which has often molded my decisions at Areivim.
I often explain to people that some of their actions have “legs”. These are actions that, when they’re completed, keep “walking”, by themselves. Those are actions which take a “life of their own”. This is one example.
I may spend many hours helping a community start a mentoring organization. I know that my hundred, plus hours, over two months, will help the organization for many years. My two months of efforts have legs, as their effects will continue long after I’ve stopped advising them.
Raising children requires a lot of effort, and many years of investment. Nevertheless, those years have legs on them, and will “walk around” for many generations. “Statements” made by parents/community members have legs, shaping the character and value system of their children/community for years to come.
The author can be contacted at shmuelgluck@areivim.com
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