Beliefs Don’t Have To Be True, To Be True To Us , By Rabbi Shmuel Gluck:
Many people feel overwhelmed and, therefore, stressed. The details in the following e-mail were removed because they painted too specific a scenario, My intent is to highlight that, in many cases, and particularly with “chronic stressers”, the cause of the stress is less of a factor than is the temperament of those who are stressed. People, who are stressed, stress because that’s what they do. The events that cause people to be stressed are usually not significant, contributing, factors. Had those events not taken place, they would have “accepted”, even the smallest triggers, to be stressed out. She wrote:
I have a limited amount of emotional energy. Everything is a big deal for me and takes a lot of emotional energy to make my life work for me. I feel stuck. Everything seems to be falling apart for me.
Sorry for the long delay in responding. Below is a thought that may not be what you want to hear, not because it's harsh, but because it requires intangible changes. These are more difficult to change than specific behaviors. I’m hoping to change your outlook. The difference between being overwhelmed, and enjoying the moment, is a person’s outlook.
I remember when two of my former classmates opened their own Yeshivas, and both had the same “B+ rating”. Walking inside the halls of one Yeshiva, one sensed a relaxed environment. The boys seemed happy, and the Rabbeim seemed comfortable. In the other Yeshiva, there was an “intensity” that was felt as soon as one walked through the door. The end product of both Yeshivas was the same quality boy, or so it seemed. However, the Yeshiva with the relaxed atmosphere still exists fifteen years later; the other one, suffered a dwindling enrolment, and eventually closed down.
The difference between the two principals was in their outlook.
I used to think that there were two types of people, those who cared, and those who didn’t. Those who cared became upset when things didn’t work out or, even if it did, they were upset because of how “drained” they became in order to achieve the success. This made them believe that life was unfair. Those who didn’t care, who seemed to be “happy go lucky”, were looked at by those who cared as if they were naïve about life, and would, eventually, pay the price with their lives imploding.
Later on, I realized that some of those people, who “seemed” not to care, really did care. Some of those who cared weren’t able to “let go”, even after they’d done their best. They jeopardized what’s even more important, their emotional well-being, and those of their family. Those who appeared not to care actually cared, but understood the importance of their emotional well-being and, once they did their best, they “let go” and “moved on”.
Many people believe that their reactions to the events of their lives were predestined; decided by the temperament with which they were born. There’s some truth to this, but it isn’t the entire reason. People are born with temperaments that decide their “starting points”, but these don’t limit their abilities to improve, and even become above average, in those areas in which they were born deficient.
People are often bound by pseudo reasoning; reasoning which is true only in their minds, but is, really, false. People “stuck” in negative thinking, either consciously or subconsciously, think that what they believe “has” to be true. You believe that your feeling overwhelmed is something that can’t change, and will never go away. You, therefore, always look for solutions which will allow you to continue to feel overwhelmed.
In reality, being overwhelmed is only in your mind, and it can go away very easily; at least it’s easy according my definition of easy versus difficult. Easy, to me, is anything of which I have total control, such as a project that’ll take multiple hours, but can be done without the assistance of others. Difficult is something that requires work, or change, and I’m unable to do it without the help of others, such as starting a successful business without the significant funding that I don’t have.
There are many reasons why you could find taking care of a spouse, children, and household responsibilities, stressful. You may have seen in your parent's’ home that “running” a household was synonymous with feeling overwhelmed. You may have less than an average amount of stamina. Your individual skills my not be the appropriate ones to run a household.
These reasons may be contributors, but the primary reason you’re overwhelmed is because you’re used to being overwhelmed, and believe that you’re “allowed” to feel overwhelmed.
What if you did exactly as you always do, and just accept how it “plays out”? Why do some parents spend 20 minutes picking up their children’s toys, see their children immediately dismantle the house and still, smile, thinking about how cute their children are. However, other parents will have a meltdown. I used to think the smiling ones were sweet but unintelligent, because I thought there only two types of caring people. Realizing that there’s a third type, I’ve learned to respect, and try to adopt, the attitude, “I clean because I have to slow the inevitable mess, but I’m happy for the mess which comes from the Brocho of having children”. This can’t just be said, it must be believed. This certainly is better than seeing the mess as “bad”, when it’s really the expected result of what children do.
What if you try your best to be home, and have supper, on time, and fail? You can see this as a failure, or as “life”, in which people do their best, but have varying results. This attitude gave birth to another one of my mantras, ”be intense about tomorrow and accepting of yesterday”.
I’m certain that you can find a dozen times a day in which you’ve emotionally drained yourself because of an incident in which you could’ve just told yourself that it’s “okay”. Doing this will make life manageable and, maybe even, fulfilling.
Let me know if you want to talk about this. This is a concept which may not make sense to those people who don’t live their lives like you do. Many of those people who care too much and become stressed, believe that those who ask them to change, do it because they don’t understand that they “can’t” change. “They should know that I can’t change.” This thought is a pseudo reason, and is only true in the mind of its believer.
I have a limited amount of emotional energy. Everything is a big deal for me and takes a lot of emotional energy to make my life work for me. I feel stuck. Everything seems to be falling apart for me.
Sorry for the long delay in responding. Below is a thought that may not be what you want to hear, not because it's harsh, but because it requires intangible changes. These are more difficult to change than specific behaviors. I’m hoping to change your outlook. The difference between being overwhelmed, and enjoying the moment, is a person’s outlook.
I remember when two of my former classmates opened their own Yeshivas, and both had the same “B+ rating”. Walking inside the halls of one Yeshiva, one sensed a relaxed environment. The boys seemed happy, and the Rabbeim seemed comfortable. In the other Yeshiva, there was an “intensity” that was felt as soon as one walked through the door. The end product of both Yeshivas was the same quality boy, or so it seemed. However, the Yeshiva with the relaxed atmosphere still exists fifteen years later; the other one, suffered a dwindling enrolment, and eventually closed down.
The difference between the two principals was in their outlook.
I used to think that there were two types of people, those who cared, and those who didn’t. Those who cared became upset when things didn’t work out or, even if it did, they were upset because of how “drained” they became in order to achieve the success. This made them believe that life was unfair. Those who didn’t care, who seemed to be “happy go lucky”, were looked at by those who cared as if they were naïve about life, and would, eventually, pay the price with their lives imploding.
Later on, I realized that some of those people, who “seemed” not to care, really did care. Some of those who cared weren’t able to “let go”, even after they’d done their best. They jeopardized what’s even more important, their emotional well-being, and those of their family. Those who appeared not to care actually cared, but understood the importance of their emotional well-being and, once they did their best, they “let go” and “moved on”.
Many people believe that their reactions to the events of their lives were predestined; decided by the temperament with which they were born. There’s some truth to this, but it isn’t the entire reason. People are born with temperaments that decide their “starting points”, but these don’t limit their abilities to improve, and even become above average, in those areas in which they were born deficient.
People are often bound by pseudo reasoning; reasoning which is true only in their minds, but is, really, false. People “stuck” in negative thinking, either consciously or subconsciously, think that what they believe “has” to be true. You believe that your feeling overwhelmed is something that can’t change, and will never go away. You, therefore, always look for solutions which will allow you to continue to feel overwhelmed.
In reality, being overwhelmed is only in your mind, and it can go away very easily; at least it’s easy according my definition of easy versus difficult. Easy, to me, is anything of which I have total control, such as a project that’ll take multiple hours, but can be done without the assistance of others. Difficult is something that requires work, or change, and I’m unable to do it without the help of others, such as starting a successful business without the significant funding that I don’t have.
There are many reasons why you could find taking care of a spouse, children, and household responsibilities, stressful. You may have seen in your parent's’ home that “running” a household was synonymous with feeling overwhelmed. You may have less than an average amount of stamina. Your individual skills my not be the appropriate ones to run a household.
These reasons may be contributors, but the primary reason you’re overwhelmed is because you’re used to being overwhelmed, and believe that you’re “allowed” to feel overwhelmed.
What if you did exactly as you always do, and just accept how it “plays out”? Why do some parents spend 20 minutes picking up their children’s toys, see their children immediately dismantle the house and still, smile, thinking about how cute their children are. However, other parents will have a meltdown. I used to think the smiling ones were sweet but unintelligent, because I thought there only two types of caring people. Realizing that there’s a third type, I’ve learned to respect, and try to adopt, the attitude, “I clean because I have to slow the inevitable mess, but I’m happy for the mess which comes from the Brocho of having children”. This can’t just be said, it must be believed. This certainly is better than seeing the mess as “bad”, when it’s really the expected result of what children do.
What if you try your best to be home, and have supper, on time, and fail? You can see this as a failure, or as “life”, in which people do their best, but have varying results. This attitude gave birth to another one of my mantras, ”be intense about tomorrow and accepting of yesterday”.
I’m certain that you can find a dozen times a day in which you’ve emotionally drained yourself because of an incident in which you could’ve just told yourself that it’s “okay”. Doing this will make life manageable and, maybe even, fulfilling.
Let me know if you want to talk about this. This is a concept which may not make sense to those people who don’t live their lives like you do. Many of those people who care too much and become stressed, believe that those who ask them to change, do it because they don’t understand that they “can’t” change. “They should know that I can’t change.” This thought is a pseudo reason, and is only true in the mind of its believer.
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