Acknowledging Personal & Family Weaknesses, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
Several weeks ago I wrote a three part article titled, "the almost functional family". While writing this current article, I realized that the points within this article should be considered an extension of those articles. Copies of those previous articles are available on request.
Many people respond to personal and family faults by defending themselves or those family members. Children are told from when they’re young, to have allegiance to their family. The common phrase to describe this attitude is "protect their own". Allegiance to family is important, but people must keep in mind that they can show their allegiance in a productive, or counter-productive, manner.
I have witnessed many families who have the following attitude. When people "start up" with their children, they strongly “stick up” for them. Little, if any, consideration is given as to whether their children are right or wrong. However, when their children challenge them, they become critical of their children, and defend themselves. When one spouse becomes critical, the other lashes out at the spouse.
These parents think that the person closest to them should be treated as the one who’s "more right'. The decision to defend the person is based on the person’s relationship to them. Although unconditionally sticking up for family is a nice thing to do, its effect may not be positive.
If we assume that parents love their children, then they should want what’s best for them. However, many parents are too focused on themselves, their communal image, and their own personal needs, to be able to truly love others. What’s best for their children supports their views only when the children are right. By defending their children's wrong views, they convey to them that their mistakes aren't mistakes. This causes the children to repeat those mistakes, often in circumstances in which the parents will be unable to defend them. The children then find themselves corrected by others and, in many cases, are forced to suffer the embarrassment and cost of their mistakes.
Instead, those parents that love their children should not always “stick up” for them. Just as many parents appreciate that they shouldn't publicly embarrass their children even when they’re wrong, they also shouldn't support them when their actions don't deserve support. To care about people does not mean to stick up for them when they’re wrong. It’s to help them grow into the best people that they can. This may even require those that care for them to act harshly.
Parents must be willing to be critical of their children, because that’s what’s best for them. However, there’s an additional reason. Parents should have an appreciation for things that are inherently right, and protect those things. When children are wrong, parents become faced with opposing allegiances. Their responsibility is to protect their children (For the moment let's overlook that indiscriminately protecting them may not be in their best interest.), and also to protect what’s right against what’s wrong. The greater responsibility is to protect what’s right against what’s wrong. In addition to protecting what's right, because it’s the correct thing to do it, it’ll also be an effective lesson to their children.
For parents to objectively see their children's actions as wrong is a difficult, but worthwhile, goal. What’s even more difficult, is to objectively see one's own actions. Instead of seeing one’s actions for what they truly are (sometimes negative), many people say to themselves that, “if I did it, it must be correct”.
People can “cover up” mistakes for a period of time. Sometimes they can be covered up for a week, a month, and even for a few years. However, at some time, it’ll become obvious to them that they were wrong. Sometimes other people will become aware of them before they are. This will force them to admit to themselves that they’ve made mistakes.
The question that people must ask themselves is whether they prefer admitting their mistakes before any immense damage is done, and before everyone else becomes aware of their mistakes, or if they prefer to admit the mistakes after this happens.
To make it easier to admit their own mistakes, people should remember that admitting their mistakes is inevitable. The question is, only, when they’ll do it. I illustrate this point by telling them that many people learn more from their children than they learn from their parents. When their own parents corrected them when they were children, they were able to make believe that their parents were wrong. As children, without having too many worries, their actions usually had little, if any, repercussions. If there were significant repercussions their parents usually took care of them.
However, when these children who’re now parents make mistakes involving their own children (the grandchildren), the problems will continue to increase until they acknowledge, and correct, their mistakes. Once parents become aware of the effort and price they’ll have to pay for repeating their mistakes, they’ll be forced to admit their mistakes to themselves, and will make certain not to repeat them. Once they’ve "paid" for their mistakes, there are few parents who’ll continue to blame others instead of themselves. The reason is that most parents will recognize the price they’re paying with their children's mental health, Yiddishkeit, and their relationship with them. At that point, they’ll wonder, "Why didn't we admit this years ago? We could’ve had Nachas (pleasure) from our children".
One example of this point is stress, the silent destroyer of Sholom Bayis and healthy children. People can deny being stressed and blame everything on everyone else except themselves. The problem is that denying stress causes people to continue blaming family arguments on other people. It’s easier to acknowledge the stress and avoid the need to blame others. More importantly, their primary thought should be to avoid having to deal with the fallout of such an upbringing which will happen when those children become older.
Many people respond to personal and family faults by defending themselves or those family members. Children are told from when they’re young, to have allegiance to their family. The common phrase to describe this attitude is "protect their own". Allegiance to family is important, but people must keep in mind that they can show their allegiance in a productive, or counter-productive, manner.
I have witnessed many families who have the following attitude. When people "start up" with their children, they strongly “stick up” for them. Little, if any, consideration is given as to whether their children are right or wrong. However, when their children challenge them, they become critical of their children, and defend themselves. When one spouse becomes critical, the other lashes out at the spouse.
These parents think that the person closest to them should be treated as the one who’s "more right'. The decision to defend the person is based on the person’s relationship to them. Although unconditionally sticking up for family is a nice thing to do, its effect may not be positive.
If we assume that parents love their children, then they should want what’s best for them. However, many parents are too focused on themselves, their communal image, and their own personal needs, to be able to truly love others. What’s best for their children supports their views only when the children are right. By defending their children's wrong views, they convey to them that their mistakes aren't mistakes. This causes the children to repeat those mistakes, often in circumstances in which the parents will be unable to defend them. The children then find themselves corrected by others and, in many cases, are forced to suffer the embarrassment and cost of their mistakes.
Instead, those parents that love their children should not always “stick up” for them. Just as many parents appreciate that they shouldn't publicly embarrass their children even when they’re wrong, they also shouldn't support them when their actions don't deserve support. To care about people does not mean to stick up for them when they’re wrong. It’s to help them grow into the best people that they can. This may even require those that care for them to act harshly.
Parents must be willing to be critical of their children, because that’s what’s best for them. However, there’s an additional reason. Parents should have an appreciation for things that are inherently right, and protect those things. When children are wrong, parents become faced with opposing allegiances. Their responsibility is to protect their children (For the moment let's overlook that indiscriminately protecting them may not be in their best interest.), and also to protect what’s right against what’s wrong. The greater responsibility is to protect what’s right against what’s wrong. In addition to protecting what's right, because it’s the correct thing to do it, it’ll also be an effective lesson to their children.
For parents to objectively see their children's actions as wrong is a difficult, but worthwhile, goal. What’s even more difficult, is to objectively see one's own actions. Instead of seeing one’s actions for what they truly are (sometimes negative), many people say to themselves that, “if I did it, it must be correct”.
People can “cover up” mistakes for a period of time. Sometimes they can be covered up for a week, a month, and even for a few years. However, at some time, it’ll become obvious to them that they were wrong. Sometimes other people will become aware of them before they are. This will force them to admit to themselves that they’ve made mistakes.
The question that people must ask themselves is whether they prefer admitting their mistakes before any immense damage is done, and before everyone else becomes aware of their mistakes, or if they prefer to admit the mistakes after this happens.
To make it easier to admit their own mistakes, people should remember that admitting their mistakes is inevitable. The question is, only, when they’ll do it. I illustrate this point by telling them that many people learn more from their children than they learn from their parents. When their own parents corrected them when they were children, they were able to make believe that their parents were wrong. As children, without having too many worries, their actions usually had little, if any, repercussions. If there were significant repercussions their parents usually took care of them.
However, when these children who’re now parents make mistakes involving their own children (the grandchildren), the problems will continue to increase until they acknowledge, and correct, their mistakes. Once parents become aware of the effort and price they’ll have to pay for repeating their mistakes, they’ll be forced to admit their mistakes to themselves, and will make certain not to repeat them. Once they’ve "paid" for their mistakes, there are few parents who’ll continue to blame others instead of themselves. The reason is that most parents will recognize the price they’re paying with their children's mental health, Yiddishkeit, and their relationship with them. At that point, they’ll wonder, "Why didn't we admit this years ago? We could’ve had Nachas (pleasure) from our children".
One example of this point is stress, the silent destroyer of Sholom Bayis and healthy children. People can deny being stressed and blame everything on everyone else except themselves. The problem is that denying stress causes people to continue blaming family arguments on other people. It’s easier to acknowledge the stress and avoid the need to blame others. More importantly, their primary thought should be to avoid having to deal with the fallout of such an upbringing which will happen when those children become older.
If you enjoyed or benefitted from this article please consider making a donation to Areivim
© AREIVIM ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Reprinting this article for commercial use without the express consent of Areivim is strictly prohibited. To request permission please contact the Areivim office at 845 371 2760 or info@areivim.com.
