Accelerating The Process Of Personal Growth, by Rabbi shmuel gluck:
People are very often confronted with problems and choose to do nothing about them. That doesn’t seem to make sense. When people’s lives appear to be out of control, why don’t they do something? When parent’s find that their children start to act differently, wouldn’t it make sense to investigate? If the child’s grades started falling, shouldn’t the parents intervene?
Sometimes people are passive for practical reasons. They decide not to do something because they hope that the situation will rectify itself. If this decision was objective, then it makes sense.
Other times people may simply be afraid to “make a move”. Although this is a wrong decision, and a bad way to live it’s also understandable. In addition, when the pain becomes unbearable, these people will be motivated to ask for help. These problems don’t take over their lives.
However, sometimes these are more severe situations. It’s sad to watch “normal” people, who could solve their problems immediately through therapy, but don’t. When they finally agree to therapy, it’s generally too late, and they now require something more extreme (e.g. in-patient treatment), but are unwilling to take such an extreme approach now. Months later they’ll require even more extreme intervention, but the things dear to them will have already been lost.
For example, someone who’s battling an eating disorder finds herself unable to even force herself to eat. I can tell her to take over the counter medicines to remove the stomach pain associated with her eating and she’ll agree. However, she’ll buy the medicine, but not take it. There are also everyday examples that people face, such as going to sleep too late to wake up refreshed. Why do people act this way?
I have found 3 common reasons:
1) People deny their problems so that they won’t have to feel badly about them. “If I can avoid acknowledging the problem, then the problem is not really here.”
2) People are so afraid of suffering that they’ll do anything to avoid it. They’ll avoid short term pain at the expense of long term pain, as long as the long term pain doesn’t begin immediately.
3) People are very comfortable with what they’re familiar, even when they’re not happy with it. “It’s better to have the evil that we know than the evil that we don’t know.”
Instead of using these 3 reasons as crutches, people should consider taking control of their lives early enough, when the process is still simple, requires only short term efforts, and can often be accomplished without others noticing and/or worrying.
Here are the necessary steps to take control:
1) Accept the short term discomfort and admit to the problem. Accept that the problem may have names, such as a lack of self esteem, too much controlling, or something more severe, such as addictive behavior, etc.
2) If you’ve seriously tried to overcome the problem and have not succeeded, accept that the problem is more than you can handle. Realize that it’s more embarrassing to fail alone than to succeed with outside help.
When I discuss the problem of asking others for help, these people admit to a fear of having others find out about their situations (it’ll compromise their options). I have to tell them that it’s better to make decisions that’ll make them appear as a “problem family” if it’ll help them change into a good family, than to make decisions that make them appear like a good family, but actually keeps them as a problem family.
Appearing well adjusted, may make Shidduchim and similar situations easier, but will not avoid the misery associated with being a problem family. Taking care of the problem may make it more difficult to find the right Shidduch but when it’s found, the person will be much happier (hopefully forever). This is a classic example of avoiding short term pain at the expense of long term pain, as long as the long term pain doesn’t begin right immediately.
3) Sometimes people are willing to change but aren’t prepared to follow through to the next step, such as seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a treatment. They need to be reminded that a four week period of misery and embarrassment should be preferred over a lifetime of misery and embarrassment.
4) The most effective approach to personal growth is to accelerate the growth process. What happens often is that the more noticeable the problem becomes, the more willing people are to change. However, the change that would have been sufficient for growth in the past, isn’t sufficient at their present stage of life. Since they’re not willing to do enough, the problem continues to grow. When they’re finally willing to agree to the appropriate next step, it’s too late. At that time, even more will be needed, which they again, won’t agree to do.
Accelerating the process includes a willingness to look two steps ahead. It’s a willingness to admit that if things continue as they are, what will be asked for later, will be more than is being asked for now. Take the necessary steps now so that you don’t have to take the giant leap tomorrow.
If pride, laziness, or not caring enough, holds you back from changing for your own sake, consider changing for the sake of your children. I’m finding more and more parents whose faults, although serious, were successfully hidden from the public. As their children marry and leave, they sigh with relief that, “they did it”.
However, things are not always as they appear. The crack in the dam gets bigger with each new generation until it breaks. Signs of stress, arguments, and/or atypical behavior become evident within their children’s homes. Divorce is too common and having mental health issues is not news anymore. Let’s do what we can to make our homes and those of our children’s. into homes of which we can all be proud.
Sometimes people are passive for practical reasons. They decide not to do something because they hope that the situation will rectify itself. If this decision was objective, then it makes sense.
Other times people may simply be afraid to “make a move”. Although this is a wrong decision, and a bad way to live it’s also understandable. In addition, when the pain becomes unbearable, these people will be motivated to ask for help. These problems don’t take over their lives.
However, sometimes these are more severe situations. It’s sad to watch “normal” people, who could solve their problems immediately through therapy, but don’t. When they finally agree to therapy, it’s generally too late, and they now require something more extreme (e.g. in-patient treatment), but are unwilling to take such an extreme approach now. Months later they’ll require even more extreme intervention, but the things dear to them will have already been lost.
For example, someone who’s battling an eating disorder finds herself unable to even force herself to eat. I can tell her to take over the counter medicines to remove the stomach pain associated with her eating and she’ll agree. However, she’ll buy the medicine, but not take it. There are also everyday examples that people face, such as going to sleep too late to wake up refreshed. Why do people act this way?
I have found 3 common reasons:
1) People deny their problems so that they won’t have to feel badly about them. “If I can avoid acknowledging the problem, then the problem is not really here.”
2) People are so afraid of suffering that they’ll do anything to avoid it. They’ll avoid short term pain at the expense of long term pain, as long as the long term pain doesn’t begin immediately.
3) People are very comfortable with what they’re familiar, even when they’re not happy with it. “It’s better to have the evil that we know than the evil that we don’t know.”
Instead of using these 3 reasons as crutches, people should consider taking control of their lives early enough, when the process is still simple, requires only short term efforts, and can often be accomplished without others noticing and/or worrying.
Here are the necessary steps to take control:
1) Accept the short term discomfort and admit to the problem. Accept that the problem may have names, such as a lack of self esteem, too much controlling, or something more severe, such as addictive behavior, etc.
2) If you’ve seriously tried to overcome the problem and have not succeeded, accept that the problem is more than you can handle. Realize that it’s more embarrassing to fail alone than to succeed with outside help.
When I discuss the problem of asking others for help, these people admit to a fear of having others find out about their situations (it’ll compromise their options). I have to tell them that it’s better to make decisions that’ll make them appear as a “problem family” if it’ll help them change into a good family, than to make decisions that make them appear like a good family, but actually keeps them as a problem family.
Appearing well adjusted, may make Shidduchim and similar situations easier, but will not avoid the misery associated with being a problem family. Taking care of the problem may make it more difficult to find the right Shidduch but when it’s found, the person will be much happier (hopefully forever). This is a classic example of avoiding short term pain at the expense of long term pain, as long as the long term pain doesn’t begin right immediately.
3) Sometimes people are willing to change but aren’t prepared to follow through to the next step, such as seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a treatment. They need to be reminded that a four week period of misery and embarrassment should be preferred over a lifetime of misery and embarrassment.
4) The most effective approach to personal growth is to accelerate the growth process. What happens often is that the more noticeable the problem becomes, the more willing people are to change. However, the change that would have been sufficient for growth in the past, isn’t sufficient at their present stage of life. Since they’re not willing to do enough, the problem continues to grow. When they’re finally willing to agree to the appropriate next step, it’s too late. At that time, even more will be needed, which they again, won’t agree to do.
Accelerating the process includes a willingness to look two steps ahead. It’s a willingness to admit that if things continue as they are, what will be asked for later, will be more than is being asked for now. Take the necessary steps now so that you don’t have to take the giant leap tomorrow.
If pride, laziness, or not caring enough, holds you back from changing for your own sake, consider changing for the sake of your children. I’m finding more and more parents whose faults, although serious, were successfully hidden from the public. As their children marry and leave, they sigh with relief that, “they did it”.
However, things are not always as they appear. The crack in the dam gets bigger with each new generation until it breaks. Signs of stress, arguments, and/or atypical behavior become evident within their children’s homes. Divorce is too common and having mental health issues is not news anymore. Let’s do what we can to make our homes and those of our children’s. into homes of which we can all be proud.
If you enjoyed or benefitted from this article please consider making a donation to Areivim
© AREIVIM 2016 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Reprinting this article for commercial use without the express consent of Areivim is strictly prohibited. To request permission please contact the Areivim office at 845 371 2760 or info@areivim.com.